Andrew Torii.

I really miss my brother. He left November 29, so he's now been gone a couple days past 6 months. I haven't seen him since August 14, when I left LA, which means I haven't physically seen him in almost 10 months. Sometimes I forget that I was in contact with him from August to November. It's like there's a void.

I don't feel sad as often as I used to (or maybe I don't allow myself to), but nowadays, when I feel the sadness, it's still intense. I wonder all the time about what he's doing and where he is. What he's wearing, what he looks like. What he's thinking, what he's eating. But I don't let myself ruminate. I don't allow myself to focus on those questions and consider what the answers really look like. I wasn't even sure if I should post an entry like this. It's all about protecting myself from being too vulnerable to pain and anger and fear.

But I really wanted to post this entry about him because I wanted to celebrate him and think about why I am so grateful he is my brother. So, in no particular order...

1. He gave me my beloved purple Ipod Nano, Umi. It was my birthday gift last summer. He just came home one afternoon and put the box in my hands. I hadn't had an Ipod in years and he knew it would be necessary in NYC.

2. He's tall and broad shouldered and well built. He's a good looking kid :)

3. He and I would go see movies together anytime - morning, afternoon, evening. I remember him coming to pick me up at Hermosa Beach, just sitting in the sand together for a while, and then getting up to go watch Despicable Me. I always love just chilling with him.

4. He drove my friends and I to a bar in downtown LA so we could all drink on my birthday last summer, even though he was underaged. He ended up getting into the bar no problemo anyway.

5. He is so good with our little cousins. They love playing with him.

6. He sent me texts like, "Maybe I'll just become a monk." At the time, I never understood where he was coming from. But in his leaving, I feel like I have learned so much about him I couldn't understand then.

Obviously this list is not exhaustive! And it may seem kind of shallow, but what these things really say about what's so great about my brother is that he is generous, committed, smart, kind, thoughtful. He really is an amazing guy. And I have to admit I have always compared the guys in my life to him. He (and my dad) have always set the bar high for me.

I wish he could meet my roommates now. I wish he could meet my coworkers now. I wish he would visit me in NY. I wish we could have a conversation about all the crazy things that have happened to him, to me, to our family. I wish I could talk to him as myself now - because I feel more myself these days than I ever have in my life. And I've a feeling he's more himself now than he has ever been in his life.

But the day will come. For now, Andrew, I hope you are finding much freedom and inspiration. I hope you're safe and healthy. I hope you're being you. I hope you are experiencing what it means to live life in all its joys and sorrows and fears and dreams - in all its fullness.

I will always be waiting for the day I can see you again. I can't wait to give you a hug. I love you.