"Our arts, our occupations, our marriages, our religion, we have not chosen, but society has chosen for us. We are parlour soldiers. We shun the rugged battle of fate, where strength is born." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Next to Resistance, rational thought is the artist or entrepreneur's worst enemy. Bad things happen when we employ rational thought, because rational thought comes from the ego. Instead, we want to work from the Self, that is, from instinct and intuition, from the unconscious. A child has no trouble believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. It's only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate." - Steven Pressfield, Do the Work
The idea of "being realistic" holds all of us back. From starting a business or quitting a job to dating someone who may not be our type or moving to a new place - getting "real" often means putting your dreams on hold. Today, let's take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold. What's one thing you've always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue? - Matt Cheuvront
This writing prompt comes from a 30-day online challenge called "Self-Reliance" based on the work of Ralph Waldo Emerson. I've been receiving daily emails. The idea is to do a prompt a day, but I've just been saving the ones I like.
This particular prompt, created by Matt Cheuvront, speaks to me a lot. I've realized that I value ADVENTURE. The voice within me that is always questioning, always looking for more, always wanting to BE more - that is the voice of adventure. Adventure is why I studied abroad and travelled so much when I was there. Adventure is why I moved to New York City. Adventure is why I'm going to Malaysia next year.
Adventure is also why I try not to map out my life anymore. Through college, I liked to think of my life in terms of years. As in: I'll gradate from LMU, work a couple years, go to grad school for my master's, get my doctorate by the time I'm 30, start a family in my early 30s. Looking at that tidy little train of a life, I can't help but think - what kind of life is that? How could I possibly limit myself to that? (Also, please note that I am fully aware that I write this from a privileged point of view. I am blessed with amazing parents who have my back personally and financially. This is, nonetheless, my own truth.)
I don't mean to say that that kind of life isn't desirable. It is. I would love to go to grad school and have a family some day. But how could I have thought that those things could be planned 10-15 years into the future? Life is so much bigger than degrees and societal milestones.
Something that amazes me almost everyday here in NYC is how much this year has opened me up to my real true Self. My NYC year has changed how I move through the world. Questioning my sexuality and coming out has changed the way I relate to people. My brother disappearing has changed my family. Being a GSV has changed my language, spirituality, career goals, passion for social justice, friendships. This year has just been an overhaul for me.
I have realized that who I have been previously doesn't limit who I am today and tomorrow. This year has opened me up to my DREAMS.
I think this writing prompt does a good job of explaining why it is I DOUBT myself. I've worked on my big brain more than my little heart. I've limited myself to wanting and pursuing that which those around me have wanted and pursued. A lot of those things are phenomenal. Like going to LMU to get my bachelor's degree. But I know the world is so much bigger than I can see and hear. I've learned to expand what I know and dream, to what I think and feel. And I've definitely opened my heart this year. One of my favorite quotes, now the little epitaph for this blog, is "When my heart breaks open, the whole world can fall in."
Here are some of my current dreams:
- Going to Indo to surf while I'm in Malaysia.
- Traveling to Thailand while I'm in Malaysia.
- Writing a book. I really am passionate about writing and I would love to write a piece of creative nonfiction.
- Spending a season living in a ski town so I can snowboard all the time.
- Spending a season living in the south of France picking grapes. One of my study abroad friends, Sam, had the opportunity to do this and the idea has haunted me ever since. As someone who has never done manual labor for a job, I know I'm being idealistic about this France thing. But there it is.
- Living in the Pacific Northwest at some point. And/or NorCal. And/or Colorado.
Who knows if any of these things will happen. But they're real! And I'm challenging myself now to always follow my instinct and intuition. To live with a BIG HEART (and a little brain too).
Monday, June 20, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Pride.
Today marks the very center of Pride Month. And NYC does Pride Month big, with parades in every borough. I went to Brooklyn Pride last weekend with 2 of my roommates. It was quite an outing (no pun intended). But it was only ridiculous because it took us 2 hours by subway to get there. It would have taken 15 minutes by car. No lie. Part of this extended travel time was the G subway's fault. The other part was my fault because we got on the wrong train twice and had to travel back up and down the same track twice. Oops. Maybe that's a metaphor for the questioning/coming out experience? Once we got to the parade, we were by the start of the route so it was pretty low key. My favorite was some councilmember saying into a speakerphone: "Brooklyn - the lesbian capital of the world." I didn't know the parade would be so educational as well! My roommates and I watched a cheerleading squad do a routine and then headed over to Ginger's, a lesbian bar I've been wanting to check out. It felt good to go out with short hair :) I can only imagine how insane Manhattan Pride will be 2 weekends from now - I'm sure BK Pride was just a teeny tiny preview.
So in honor of Pride Month, my hair cut, the upcoming June 20th NY Senate vote on marriage equality and gender rights, my LGBTQ Issues workshop, and Lady Gaga's new album, I wanted to write an entry about how proud I am to be gay.
I like to think that I started coming out when I moved to New York on August 15. That was exactly 10 months ago. But I've been questioning my sexual identity for many years before this year started. I just didn't know it. Homosexuality just wasn't a reality I entertained for myself. It wasn't in my plane of vision. Anyway, I didn't start this entry with the intention of talking about my sexuality. I wanted to reflect on all the gay-oriented advocacy and education and awesomeness that have been a huge part of my NYC experience. If being gay wasn't in my plane of vision before, I've now (sky)dived into a world where not only am I gay, but I am out and proud and care deeply about gay issues and rights.
- In September, I went to Stonewall and Cubbyhole, well-known gay bars (Cubbyhole is a lesbian bar), for the first time. Stonewall was the setting of the 1969 riots that sparked the national gay rights movement. I mention this not because I had never been to gay bars before (I have, in LA), but because these 2 places became something like go-to places and were normalizing factors for me.
- In November, I went to the NYC LGBT Center to seek out an LGBT counselor because I was struggling with my identity and having a hard time finding motivation and focus at work. I ended up going to my therapist Sue for 3 months. And aside from the fact that it started out as LGBT counseling, going to therapy remains one of the highlights of this NYC year. It was eye-opening and life-giving. And when Andrew left, I was so grateful that I had Sue to help me process that.
- In December, other GSVs and I went to a feminism panel at the Brooklyn Museum. The panel was for a book called "Click: When We Knew We Were Feminists", about which I've blogged before. We found out about the event through Feministing.com. Courtney E. Martin, one of the editors of the book is also a Feministing.com editor. Shortly after that, my roommates started to go to a feminist bookstore called Bluestockings, where coincidentally we saw Courtney again, introducing another speaker. We have been to many feminist book readings at Bluestockings, on topics including the criminalization of gay people and transgender experiences. I'm pretty much obsessed with Feministing.com, Bluestockings, and feminist literature - all of which have been part of my education on gay issues.
- In January, my roommates and I went to an HRC (Human Rights Campaign) women's event on Long Island. It was basically a party to celebrate women. Quite a swanky affair at a beautiful hotel. My roommates and I chased after the hor d'oeuvres waiters and danced like it was the end of the world. But about HRC, I donated $10 when I first moved to NY to become a member and have been getting weekly emails about the fight for gay rights. These emails include news briefs, petitions, video clips and have been instrumental in my education on issues such as the DADT repeal, DOMA, and marriage equality. I proudly display the HRC equality sticker on my agenda which I carry around everywhere at work.
- In April, I took over the LGBTQ Issues monthly workshop at the Foyer. I have really enjoyed them. I love facilitating workshops at the Foyer and being able to talk about LGBTQ Issues with the residents is a great opportunity. I've since run 3 of those workshops. We've talked about coming out stories, defintitions/labels, marriage equality, bullying. The NYC homeless and runaway youth population is full of LGBTQ youth and the Foyer is no exception. A good number of our residents are out and, based on what I've heard at workshops, more are questioning. The Foyer program and Good Shepherd Services is so cognizant of being inclusive. I've been to several agency trainings on LGBTQ issues for work, which I think is amazing.
- Also in April, we went to a drag restaurant for my roommate Krystina's birthday. She's all about the drag queens and gay-ness. She also took us to a drag queen/drag king pageant earlier in the year. Such an experience, full of Nicki Minaj and voguing! All my roommates are so open about homosexuality and supporting it, so that has been something I am so grateful for. I would go so far as to label our little community as specifically gay-friendly. We're that awesome.
- In May, my roommate Jess and I went to an all day rally in Albany called Equality & Justice Day. We went with the New York Civil Liberties Union. We took a bus to the capital to attend workshops on marriage equality and gender rights bills, to speak in person to state senators and representatives, to get pumped about fighting for these bills, and to celebrate gay rights. It was an amazing day and this little blurb doesn't encapsulate how connected and ignited I felt. When I was at LMU, I did one phone bank in the fight to repeal Prop 8 in California. I did it because I thought it was right. Not because I was emotionally attached to the issue. It's funny to me that I've now become so invested in this state of NY, which has been my home for only 10 months. The pictures below are of Jess and I and some friends at E&J Day :)
To conclude, shortly and sweetly, I'm so grateful that NYC has opened up this world to me. I'm so grateful that I very much feel a part of it. It's still new, but I feel comfortable here. A big part of the reason that I would like to live in NYC again is that the gay community here is invigorating and lovely. I feel right, here.
So in honor of Pride Month, my hair cut, the upcoming June 20th NY Senate vote on marriage equality and gender rights, my LGBTQ Issues workshop, and Lady Gaga's new album, I wanted to write an entry about how proud I am to be gay.
I like to think that I started coming out when I moved to New York on August 15. That was exactly 10 months ago. But I've been questioning my sexual identity for many years before this year started. I just didn't know it. Homosexuality just wasn't a reality I entertained for myself. It wasn't in my plane of vision. Anyway, I didn't start this entry with the intention of talking about my sexuality. I wanted to reflect on all the gay-oriented advocacy and education and awesomeness that have been a huge part of my NYC experience. If being gay wasn't in my plane of vision before, I've now (sky)dived into a world where not only am I gay, but I am out and proud and care deeply about gay issues and rights.
- In September, I went to Stonewall and Cubbyhole, well-known gay bars (Cubbyhole is a lesbian bar), for the first time. Stonewall was the setting of the 1969 riots that sparked the national gay rights movement. I mention this not because I had never been to gay bars before (I have, in LA), but because these 2 places became something like go-to places and were normalizing factors for me.
- In November, I went to the NYC LGBT Center to seek out an LGBT counselor because I was struggling with my identity and having a hard time finding motivation and focus at work. I ended up going to my therapist Sue for 3 months. And aside from the fact that it started out as LGBT counseling, going to therapy remains one of the highlights of this NYC year. It was eye-opening and life-giving. And when Andrew left, I was so grateful that I had Sue to help me process that.
- In December, other GSVs and I went to a feminism panel at the Brooklyn Museum. The panel was for a book called "Click: When We Knew We Were Feminists", about which I've blogged before. We found out about the event through Feministing.com. Courtney E. Martin, one of the editors of the book is also a Feministing.com editor. Shortly after that, my roommates started to go to a feminist bookstore called Bluestockings, where coincidentally we saw Courtney again, introducing another speaker. We have been to many feminist book readings at Bluestockings, on topics including the criminalization of gay people and transgender experiences. I'm pretty much obsessed with Feministing.com, Bluestockings, and feminist literature - all of which have been part of my education on gay issues.
- In January, my roommates and I went to an HRC (Human Rights Campaign) women's event on Long Island. It was basically a party to celebrate women. Quite a swanky affair at a beautiful hotel. My roommates and I chased after the hor d'oeuvres waiters and danced like it was the end of the world. But about HRC, I donated $10 when I first moved to NY to become a member and have been getting weekly emails about the fight for gay rights. These emails include news briefs, petitions, video clips and have been instrumental in my education on issues such as the DADT repeal, DOMA, and marriage equality. I proudly display the HRC equality sticker on my agenda which I carry around everywhere at work.
- In April, I took over the LGBTQ Issues monthly workshop at the Foyer. I have really enjoyed them. I love facilitating workshops at the Foyer and being able to talk about LGBTQ Issues with the residents is a great opportunity. I've since run 3 of those workshops. We've talked about coming out stories, defintitions/labels, marriage equality, bullying. The NYC homeless and runaway youth population is full of LGBTQ youth and the Foyer is no exception. A good number of our residents are out and, based on what I've heard at workshops, more are questioning. The Foyer program and Good Shepherd Services is so cognizant of being inclusive. I've been to several agency trainings on LGBTQ issues for work, which I think is amazing.
- Also in April, we went to a drag restaurant for my roommate Krystina's birthday. She's all about the drag queens and gay-ness. She also took us to a drag queen/drag king pageant earlier in the year. Such an experience, full of Nicki Minaj and voguing! All my roommates are so open about homosexuality and supporting it, so that has been something I am so grateful for. I would go so far as to label our little community as specifically gay-friendly. We're that awesome.
- In May, my roommate Jess and I went to an all day rally in Albany called Equality & Justice Day. We went with the New York Civil Liberties Union. We took a bus to the capital to attend workshops on marriage equality and gender rights bills, to speak in person to state senators and representatives, to get pumped about fighting for these bills, and to celebrate gay rights. It was an amazing day and this little blurb doesn't encapsulate how connected and ignited I felt. When I was at LMU, I did one phone bank in the fight to repeal Prop 8 in California. I did it because I thought it was right. Not because I was emotionally attached to the issue. It's funny to me that I've now become so invested in this state of NY, which has been my home for only 10 months. The pictures below are of Jess and I and some friends at E&J Day :)
To conclude, shortly and sweetly, I'm so grateful that NYC has opened up this world to me. I'm so grateful that I very much feel a part of it. It's still new, but I feel comfortable here. A big part of the reason that I would like to live in NYC again is that the gay community here is invigorating and lovely. I feel right, here.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The city that never sleeps.
Yes, it is 5:00AM EST on a beautiful Saturday morning as I start this blog entry. Yes, I am at work. Once or twice a month, I do an overnight shift at work. Overnight shifts at the Foyer are from 12 midnight to 8:00AM (so no, I don't actually know if it's beautiful outside right now). Truth be told, I don't mind overnight shifts. I know that in this city especially, tons of people work through the night. Plus, on weeks that I work overnights, I get Friday day off, work Sunday day, and then get Monday off. It almost feels rebellious. Almost.
I had plans to post a serious, thoughtful, life-revealing entry tonight. Now that more than half my shift is over, I'm not in the mood for insightful philosophizing. So instead, here's a fun list of the perfectly mundane things I like to do on my overnight shifts!
- Surf through YouTube videos from emails, Facebook, and random encounters.
- Watch Glee.
- Watch Modern Family. Except tonight when I tried to catch up, I found I could only watch the most recent episode in its entirety. The others only gave me 90 second previews! What has Hulu come to?? I still have 3 more episodes to watch :(
- Play with my hair. Today is the second time that I've had my hair cut during the day before my overnight shift.
- Talk to residents who come in slightly intoxicated. The really intoxicated ones don't stick around.
- Eat. I get really really hungry constantly during the nights. Probably my body's way of finding comfort since it doesn't get the comfort of a bed.
- Text people. This especially works out for the time difference with LA. One time I talked to Ana for 3 hours, which really helped the time pass.
- Catch up with Feministing.com and AngryAsianMan.com.
- Listen to music. I like to make YouTube playlists on my channel. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me from keeling over.
And one of my coworkers just informed me last week that Netflix actually works. I thought it didn't. Too bad I only have one or two more overnights here. Nonetheless, we'll see if I can add that to the list as well.
Then of course I do have work. This includes: updating the daily log, doing rounds on the floors, checking my Outlook email, finishing whatever paperwork I have for the week, opening medicine boxes in the morning for a couple of the girls (because of their government funding stream, we have to keep their medicine locked up - we all hate this rule because it's a big inconvenience for everyone).
So in general overnight shifts pass by smoothly and easily. My body usually starts to feel super heavy around 4:30-5:30AM (it's the weirdest feeling - sometimes my body starts to feel like it's sinking into an imaginary bed), but once I get over that pre-dawn hump, I'm good.
Once 8:00AM hits and my relief shows up, I'm out the door! And without fail, the NYC morning invigorates me. Maybe it's leaving work. But I think it's more the eerily but peacefully quiet calm of 7th Ave at that hour. When I walk to the subway, I can see all the way down the avenue, past floating yellow cabs and rows of skyscrapers, all melting into the gray morning. I walk a couple blocks to get on the train for the sleepy ride home. As I join other subway travelers, whether they are going to work or just getting out of work or starting the fun of the weekend, I always feel a deep sense of satisfaction. I live here. I work here. It's happening here, in this legendary mythical city!
I had plans to post a serious, thoughtful, life-revealing entry tonight. Now that more than half my shift is over, I'm not in the mood for insightful philosophizing. So instead, here's a fun list of the perfectly mundane things I like to do on my overnight shifts!
- Surf through YouTube videos from emails, Facebook, and random encounters.
- Watch Glee.
- Watch Modern Family. Except tonight when I tried to catch up, I found I could only watch the most recent episode in its entirety. The others only gave me 90 second previews! What has Hulu come to?? I still have 3 more episodes to watch :(
- Play with my hair. Today is the second time that I've had my hair cut during the day before my overnight shift.
- Talk to residents who come in slightly intoxicated. The really intoxicated ones don't stick around.
- Eat. I get really really hungry constantly during the nights. Probably my body's way of finding comfort since it doesn't get the comfort of a bed.
- Text people. This especially works out for the time difference with LA. One time I talked to Ana for 3 hours, which really helped the time pass.
- Catch up with Feministing.com and AngryAsianMan.com.
- Listen to music. I like to make YouTube playlists on my channel. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me from keeling over.
And one of my coworkers just informed me last week that Netflix actually works. I thought it didn't. Too bad I only have one or two more overnights here. Nonetheless, we'll see if I can add that to the list as well.
Then of course I do have work. This includes: updating the daily log, doing rounds on the floors, checking my Outlook email, finishing whatever paperwork I have for the week, opening medicine boxes in the morning for a couple of the girls (because of their government funding stream, we have to keep their medicine locked up - we all hate this rule because it's a big inconvenience for everyone).
So in general overnight shifts pass by smoothly and easily. My body usually starts to feel super heavy around 4:30-5:30AM (it's the weirdest feeling - sometimes my body starts to feel like it's sinking into an imaginary bed), but once I get over that pre-dawn hump, I'm good.
Once 8:00AM hits and my relief shows up, I'm out the door! And without fail, the NYC morning invigorates me. Maybe it's leaving work. But I think it's more the eerily but peacefully quiet calm of 7th Ave at that hour. When I walk to the subway, I can see all the way down the avenue, past floating yellow cabs and rows of skyscrapers, all melting into the gray morning. I walk a couple blocks to get on the train for the sleepy ride home. As I join other subway travelers, whether they are going to work or just getting out of work or starting the fun of the weekend, I always feel a deep sense of satisfaction. I live here. I work here. It's happening here, in this legendary mythical city!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
This is what a feminist looks like.
This past week, I got to see one of my best oldest friends Rochelle who was visiting NYC with 2 of her high school friends. Rochelle and I have known each other since kindergarten - almost 18 years!! We were part of our best friend crew "Cheristarenia" - roCHElle, kRIStina, TAmra, LAra, kathleEN, cynthIA. We were so cool. We were so cool we had to have two names for ourselves; we also sometimes went by "TaCynCheLaNaLee." After hanging out with Rochelle this week, I was just filled with joy and gratitude that our friendship is still solid after all these years. We didn't go to high school or college together and haven't been everyday fixtures in each other's lives, but when we do come together again, it's easy and real and life-giving. She is part of my foundation and always will be. Those roots go deep.
So, I started thinking about how blessed I am to have such amazing girlfriends in my life. My grade school best friends really are special! Yes, our friendships flourished in middle school and consisted largely of passing notes and talking about boys, but as we have grown our friendships have grown. I know I can count on them for support and love. We can no longer call ourselves a crew (it has been many years since some of them have spoken to each other and many more years since we have all been in the same room), but individually my friendship with each girlfriend is real and present. There have been challenges, but I have never experienced the pettiness or backstabbing that can be the downfall of friendships.
Thinking about this foundation of girl power coincides perfectly with my other floating thoughts concerning feminism. I recently finished two books - Click: When We Knew We Were Feminists edited by Courtney E. Martin and J. Courtney Sullivan and Bossypants by Tina Fey. (I should say here that the books belong to two of my current amazing feminist roommates, about whom I shall have to blog later). I absolutely love both books. Click is an anthology of essays by diverse women about their feminist aha moments and beginnings. Bossypants is Tina Fey in a book. What more could I want?
For one of the essayists in Click, her feminist awakening involved becoming friends with another feminist. She writes, "It's a relationship with an ally that enables you to inhabit your feminism." Several other essayists write about how having feminist mentors to guide them was powerfully formative. So even though Cheristarenia/TaCynCheLaNaLee never had group circles about feminism, I realize now how much they have influenced me. My most powerful friendships are with women and I realize that my grade school girlfriends are the foundation of why I believe so strongly in sisterhood. Sisterhood gives inspirational power to my all-women's service org Marians at LMU. Sisterhood gives physical power to groups like the Pink Sari Gang. Sisterhood gives comedic power to the cast of Bridesmaids and the dynamic duo Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
Which brings me to Bossypants. One thing I wanted to mention in this entry about that book was Tina Fey's anecdote about going to a conference where women were asked to think about the time they first knew that they were becoming a woman: "Almost everyone first realized they were becoming a grown woman when some dude did something nasty to them."
This got me thinking about when I first knew I was becoming a woman, on top of thinking about my own feminist click moment. I can't think of one illuminated point in time when I knew I was a feminist - I sort of fell into knowing I am a feminist because of many experiences throughout my young life. As one essayist in Click so elegantly wrote: "This piece is disjointed and fragmentary and piecemeal...because that is how I came to feminism."
I find it interesting that as I thought about Cheristarenia/TaCynCheLaNaLee, I realized for the first time that a couple interactions with grade school male classmates definitely foreshadowed my future feminist self. The first interaction involved me academically competing with my classmates Raul and Stephen. I remember wanting to answer more questions correctly in class than them. I remember wanting to "beat" them in quizzes and tests. Yes, I was a geek. The second interaction involved myself and Tamra playing basketball at recess with KC and Stephen. I remember the satisfaction we received from being able to play with them and "beat" them there too!
Obviously, my feminism now isn't about "beating" the male population. I have no desire to see men downtrodden or inferior. But I can see that those elementary underpinnings influenced my feminist self because they involved the underlying assumption that I was just as good as the boys, if not better.
And that's basically Tina Fey's stance in Bossypants. She makes the great observation that people never ask Donald Trump how he can possibly be the boss of so many people, in the same way that people deprecatingly, whether intentionally or not, wonder to Tina all the time about how SHE manages being the boss of SO many people.
I'll have to think about and answer when I knew I was becoming a woman at some later date. But for this entry, I am a feminist because of my girlfriends, because I think women are undercelebrated, because of Jane Eyre, Marians, Tina Fey, Bluestockings, short skirts, poetry, emotions, sisterhood, POWER.
So, I started thinking about how blessed I am to have such amazing girlfriends in my life. My grade school best friends really are special! Yes, our friendships flourished in middle school and consisted largely of passing notes and talking about boys, but as we have grown our friendships have grown. I know I can count on them for support and love. We can no longer call ourselves a crew (it has been many years since some of them have spoken to each other and many more years since we have all been in the same room), but individually my friendship with each girlfriend is real and present. There have been challenges, but I have never experienced the pettiness or backstabbing that can be the downfall of friendships.
Thinking about this foundation of girl power coincides perfectly with my other floating thoughts concerning feminism. I recently finished two books - Click: When We Knew We Were Feminists edited by Courtney E. Martin and J. Courtney Sullivan and Bossypants by Tina Fey. (I should say here that the books belong to two of my current amazing feminist roommates, about whom I shall have to blog later). I absolutely love both books. Click is an anthology of essays by diverse women about their feminist aha moments and beginnings. Bossypants is Tina Fey in a book. What more could I want?
For one of the essayists in Click, her feminist awakening involved becoming friends with another feminist. She writes, "It's a relationship with an ally that enables you to inhabit your feminism." Several other essayists write about how having feminist mentors to guide them was powerfully formative. So even though Cheristarenia/TaCynCheLaNaLee never had group circles about feminism, I realize now how much they have influenced me. My most powerful friendships are with women and I realize that my grade school girlfriends are the foundation of why I believe so strongly in sisterhood. Sisterhood gives inspirational power to my all-women's service org Marians at LMU. Sisterhood gives physical power to groups like the Pink Sari Gang. Sisterhood gives comedic power to the cast of Bridesmaids and the dynamic duo Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
Which brings me to Bossypants. One thing I wanted to mention in this entry about that book was Tina Fey's anecdote about going to a conference where women were asked to think about the time they first knew that they were becoming a woman: "Almost everyone first realized they were becoming a grown woman when some dude did something nasty to them."
This got me thinking about when I first knew I was becoming a woman, on top of thinking about my own feminist click moment. I can't think of one illuminated point in time when I knew I was a feminist - I sort of fell into knowing I am a feminist because of many experiences throughout my young life. As one essayist in Click so elegantly wrote: "This piece is disjointed and fragmentary and piecemeal...because that is how I came to feminism."
I find it interesting that as I thought about Cheristarenia/TaCynCheLaNaLee, I realized for the first time that a couple interactions with grade school male classmates definitely foreshadowed my future feminist self. The first interaction involved me academically competing with my classmates Raul and Stephen. I remember wanting to answer more questions correctly in class than them. I remember wanting to "beat" them in quizzes and tests. Yes, I was a geek. The second interaction involved myself and Tamra playing basketball at recess with KC and Stephen. I remember the satisfaction we received from being able to play with them and "beat" them there too!
Obviously, my feminism now isn't about "beating" the male population. I have no desire to see men downtrodden or inferior. But I can see that those elementary underpinnings influenced my feminist self because they involved the underlying assumption that I was just as good as the boys, if not better.
And that's basically Tina Fey's stance in Bossypants. She makes the great observation that people never ask Donald Trump how he can possibly be the boss of so many people, in the same way that people deprecatingly, whether intentionally or not, wonder to Tina all the time about how SHE manages being the boss of SO many people.
I'll have to think about and answer when I knew I was becoming a woman at some later date. But for this entry, I am a feminist because of my girlfriends, because I think women are undercelebrated, because of Jane Eyre, Marians, Tina Fey, Bluestockings, short skirts, poetry, emotions, sisterhood, POWER.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Andrew Torii.
I really miss my brother. He left November 29, so he's now been gone a couple days past 6 months. I haven't seen him since August 14, when I left LA, which means I haven't physically seen him in almost 10 months. Sometimes I forget that I was in contact with him from August to November. It's like there's a void.I don't feel sad as often as I used to (or maybe I don't allow myself to), but nowadays, when I feel the sadness, it's still intense. I wonder all the time about what he's doing and where he is. What he's wearing, what he looks like. What he's thinking, what he's eating. But I don't let myself ruminate. I don't allow myself to focus on those questions and consider what the answers really look like. I wasn't even sure if I should post an entry like this. It's all about protecting myself from being too vulnerable to pain and anger and fear.
But I really wanted to post this entry about him because I wanted to celebrate him and think about why I am so grateful he is my brother. So, in no particular order...
1. He gave me my beloved purple Ipod Nano, Umi. It was my birthday gift last summer. He just came home one afternoon and put the box in my hands. I hadn't had an Ipod in years and he knew it would be necessary in NYC.
2. He's tall and broad shouldered and well built. He's a good looking kid :)
3. He and I would go see movies together anytime - morning, afternoon, evening. I remember him coming to pick me up at Hermosa Beach, just sitting in the sand together for a while, and then getting up to go watch Despicable Me. I always love just chilling with him.
4. He drove my friends and I to a bar in downtown LA so we could all drink on my birthday last summer, even though he was underaged. He ended up getting into the bar no problemo anyway.
5. He is so good with our little cousins. They love playing with him.
6. He sent me texts like, "Maybe I'll just become a monk." At the time, I never understood where he was coming from. But in his leaving, I feel like I have learned so much about him I couldn't understand then.
Obviously this list is not exhaustive! And it may seem kind of shallow, but what these things really say about what's so great about my brother is that he is generous, committed, smart, kind, thoughtful. He really is an amazing guy. And I have to admit I have always compared the guys in my life to him. He (and my dad) have always set the bar high for me.
I wish he could meet my roommates now. I wish he could meet my coworkers now. I wish he would visit me in NY. I wish we could have a conversation about all the crazy things that have happened to him, to me, to our family. I wish I could talk to him as myself now - because I feel more myself these days than I ever have in my life. And I've a feeling he's more himself now than he has ever been in his life.
But the day will come. For now, Andrew, I hope you are finding much freedom and inspiration. I hope you're safe and healthy. I hope you're being you. I hope you are experiencing what it means to live life in all its joys and sorrows and fears and dreams - in all its fullness.
I will always be waiting for the day I can see you again. I can't wait to give you a hug. I love you.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The clouds will pass.
Today is a mild and breezy summer day in NYC. And I'm obsessed with it. I wish I could bottle it up and carry it around with me everywhere.
Yesterday it was hot and humid. So hot I couldn't hear myself think. The hotness was just heavy heavy heavy. It was still 85 degrees at 11pm!
Today is the kind of day that makes me feel like the world is full of possibilities and positivities.
Yesterday was the kind of day that made me anxious about all the things I've got cooking. It was the kind of day that got me stewing. Fundraising for Malaysia, paying off my credit card bill, buying much needed toiletries on my volunteer stipend. Notice the trend? I really do try not to stress out about it, but when I let it get the best of me, money issues can get really weighty and just sit with me. It plops right down next to me, on the subway, at work, in the kitchen, and won't budge(t). Hah.
I was in a rather frenzied mood at work all day yesterday. My mind was going a mile a minute about personal issues and I found it really hard to be present at a meeting as well as in conversations with residents.
But then the Foyer's video game tournament commenced last night. The girls' bracket of the tournament involved them sparring over Wii's "Just Dance 2." I initially had some walls up because the boys' bracket involved a PS3 basketball game, but then Alfred decided he wanted to compete for the Wii, so he played with the girls (oh yea, the prizes for each bracket were the PS3 and the Wii, donated by a Foyer group mentor - I need a mentor). Once I got over my huffy thoughts on gender boxes, I really enjoyed watching the residents dance it out. They just threw themselves into the game. All worries pushed aside for 3 minute dance battles. And I've seen them do this time and time again over the last 9 months. Many of them don't have supportive networks of family or friends, some have had a very difficult time finding jobs, some run out of food at the end of each month.
I know sometimes we as people just have to distract ourselves and have a little fun and that doesn't necessarily make everything else better or more tolerable. I don't mention their day-to-day frustrations in order to elicit pity or romanticize their ability to have fun; I say all this merely to say that I greatly appreciate their energy. And they have often inspired my own energy.
Pete, the GSV executive director, gave me this Buddhist analogy about a month ago when we were talking about feelings of fear and panic: we all too often fixate on the clouds in the sky and forget to look at the sky itself. The clouds always pass. They will come and go. But the sky is infinite and, while it too changes, it is constant.
So today, I'm feeling pretty upbeat. All the love and support I've been getting on the Facebook event I created for Malaysia fundraising is helping a lot. The residents singing "Proud Mary" in the multi-purpose room next door to this office are helping (the competition is over, the dancing is not). The beautiful weather today is helping. And I have to admit, those clouds, whether gray and thunderous or transparent and illuminated, have definitely helped in their own cloudy way.
Yesterday it was hot and humid. So hot I couldn't hear myself think. The hotness was just heavy heavy heavy. It was still 85 degrees at 11pm!
Today is the kind of day that makes me feel like the world is full of possibilities and positivities.
Yesterday was the kind of day that made me anxious about all the things I've got cooking. It was the kind of day that got me stewing. Fundraising for Malaysia, paying off my credit card bill, buying much needed toiletries on my volunteer stipend. Notice the trend? I really do try not to stress out about it, but when I let it get the best of me, money issues can get really weighty and just sit with me. It plops right down next to me, on the subway, at work, in the kitchen, and won't budge(t). Hah.
I was in a rather frenzied mood at work all day yesterday. My mind was going a mile a minute about personal issues and I found it really hard to be present at a meeting as well as in conversations with residents.
But then the Foyer's video game tournament commenced last night. The girls' bracket of the tournament involved them sparring over Wii's "Just Dance 2." I initially had some walls up because the boys' bracket involved a PS3 basketball game, but then Alfred decided he wanted to compete for the Wii, so he played with the girls (oh yea, the prizes for each bracket were the PS3 and the Wii, donated by a Foyer group mentor - I need a mentor). Once I got over my huffy thoughts on gender boxes, I really enjoyed watching the residents dance it out. They just threw themselves into the game. All worries pushed aside for 3 minute dance battles. And I've seen them do this time and time again over the last 9 months. Many of them don't have supportive networks of family or friends, some have had a very difficult time finding jobs, some run out of food at the end of each month.
I know sometimes we as people just have to distract ourselves and have a little fun and that doesn't necessarily make everything else better or more tolerable. I don't mention their day-to-day frustrations in order to elicit pity or romanticize their ability to have fun; I say all this merely to say that I greatly appreciate their energy. And they have often inspired my own energy.
Pete, the GSV executive director, gave me this Buddhist analogy about a month ago when we were talking about feelings of fear and panic: we all too often fixate on the clouds in the sky and forget to look at the sky itself. The clouds always pass. They will come and go. But the sky is infinite and, while it too changes, it is constant.
So today, I'm feeling pretty upbeat. All the love and support I've been getting on the Facebook event I created for Malaysia fundraising is helping a lot. The residents singing "Proud Mary" in the multi-purpose room next door to this office are helping (the competition is over, the dancing is not). The beautiful weather today is helping. And I have to admit, those clouds, whether gray and thunderous or transparent and illuminated, have definitely helped in their own cloudy way.
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