Surprise.

I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think of a time when you didn't think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself. How will you surprise yourself this week? - Ashley Ambirge

This is another prompt from the Self-Reliance 30-day online writing challenge. I really love this quote from Emerson. Trust, holy, truth - all such key words for me this past year.

I've now been in LA for a little over a week. Before coming back, I was anxious about how I was going to spend time. Meaning, I knew time would slip through my hands. I was also worried about money for these 3 weeks, but turns out time is what I need more of.

Somewhere around the middle of last week, however, I realized that it is what it is. I have a short amount of time with my family and friends before leaving for a year. Yes, I had hoped for more sleep. Yes, I had hoped for more time to go to the gym, do yoga, and meditate. Yes, I had planned to more diligently study Malay. Yes, none of those things have really happened.

But at the same time, yes. My time here so far has consisted of driving around sprawling LA to meet up with friends. Hanging out with my parents, sister, and grandma. Running endless errands for myself and for my family. Getting ready for my Malaysia fundraiser. My time here so far has consisted of scheduling my time here. It has taken a lot of juggling.

So, I say yes. I don't like feeling like I have no time. But I do love my people. The map of my network here - Santa Monica, Culver City, Ventura, Downtown LA, the South Bay, Bolsa Chica, Arcadia - is dotted with lovely people. Everytime I have a conversation with someone about my year and about their year, I process a little more what this past year meant for me. I am able to show a little more joy and gratitude for my time in NY.

And without closing that door, because I don't know that closure is the fitting label for this experience, I get more comfortable and more ready for the next phase of my life. You know, the one where I leave my part of the world and my people for a new life-giving adventure. It's weird to feel like I'm just catching up with my friends, instead of just spending time with them. It's weird to not spend as much time as possible with my best friends. As Ana said, "We're always saying goodbye!"

I have to say, this past week, I have found myself inwardly lamenting my lack of sleep or lack of quiet time. Then I find myself having an awesome life-giving time with people. This time I have in LA is holy. It is crazy, hectic, fun-filled, beautiful. I have realized that I just need to trust that I am spending my time in the best way possible. No need to stress out. I will see who I have to see. I will do what I have to do. It will all happen. I have had to let go of my expectations and just go with the flow. When I get on that plane for NY again in 11 days, I will be safer and saner because I am reenergized, not necessarily by rest and relaxation, but by my amazing, surprising, hilarious, and dynamic support system of family and friends.