Pasa Thai.

Coming to Thailand twenty-five days ago, I knew one word in Thai: “sawadikap” (some friends in Malaysia, when they found out I was going to Thailand, started to say that to me all the time; it means “hello”). I felt okay with my one-word vocabulary though. I had started to feel a little concerned that I didn’t make more of an effort, any effort really, to learn some Thai, especially when Pete urgently asked me on several occasions if GSV should invest in some Rosetta Stone and send it my way. And then Antonia sent me a note a month or two prior to my arrival saying I should really try to pick up some simple Thai because it would make a world of a difference. But even then, I didn’t have the energy to sit down and learn a completely foreign language, amidst my leaving Malaysia, coming home to LA, visiting NY, and traveling to Thailand. I knew learning Thai would not be easy, but I felt ready to go with the flow. So I was content with “sawadikap.”

Then I arrived in Nongkhai and learned that I was saying the one word I thought I knew, incorrectly. Since I am a female, the correct way for me to say hello is “sawadiKA” not “sawadiKAP”. It was then I started to understand Pete’s and Antonia’s concern.

In my first couple weeks here, I really felt overwhelmed by Thai. I have always loved learning new languages. I loved French in high school and college. I loved Malay and Dusun in Malaysia. I was looking forward to learning Thai. But this is also the most I’ve ever been immersed in a language other than English. In Malaysia, English was everywhere (former British colony) and I could have easily gone through the year learning no Malay. Here in Thailand, in my placement, it really is necessary to learn Thai in order to build more fulfilling relationships with the community. And Thailand, which incidentally is a country that has never been colonized by any outside nation, really seems to be very Thai. TV shows, radio stations, movies – it seems to be 98% Thai. Which is a big difference from Malaysia, where I was kept up to date with American and British entertainment. I knew every song on the radio when I came back home. That won’t be the case when I come back from Thailand. (I’m really really excited about this discovery. I’m already a fan of Thai music videos.)

So in arriving here, I understood just how necessary learning Thai was. But I was overwhelmed. Every time I heard someone speaking Thai, every time one of the women spoke Thai to me, all I heard were sounds. I couldn’t even distinguish between different words let alone sentences. It was, it IS, such a foreign language to me. With Malay, it sounds very similar to Tagalog, which I grew up hearing my mom speak. So with Malay, I felt I caught on to the rhythms of the language quickly. But hearing Thai was like someone trying to teach me how to whistle – it just didn’t register in my brain at all.

My first two weeks, I don’t think I said anything at all to the people I work with at Hands of Hope. Of course I would say hello and thank you, but I was very frustrated that I couldn’t say simple things like “beautiful!” or “do you have scissors?” or “how are you?” I kept saying all these phrases in my head in Malay and inwardly grumbling that if I were back in Sabah, it would be so different.

I really felt trapped and silenced in the first couple weeks. (Mostly with the people I work with – Antonia my boss is Australian and my two Danish housemates speak English fluently.) Even though there was so much communication possible and even though body language works pretty well, I just couldn’t express myself and there was so much I wanted to know, so much I wanted to tell them.

The frustration continued when I started to try to learn some words, by pointing at things and saying “Thai?” - I could barely understand how people were pronouncing things. Like I said, it really just sounded like sounds. Sounds that I couldn’t even visualize in my head. Which was another thing! It was difficult to write things down phonetically, which was even more discouraging because I really need to see something to memorize it. And I couldn’t even practice reading Thai (I can read Malay pretty well), because Thai is written in Thai script! Overwhelming.

Then we started Party Thai lessons. Our teacher’s name is Party. We meet with her twice a week and it’s amazing. She has been able to give us phonetic spellings, which has opened up Thai for me. I stopped being so frustrated.

However, it is still a little bit overwhelming sometimes because so much of the language IS based on sounds. There are many different tones and intonations in Thai and there are words that are pronounced the same phonetically but with different tones have different meanings. For example, the word “ngai.” Say “ngai” in a slightly low voice, kind of like you’re tired, and it means tired! Say “ngai” in a slightly high voice, kind of like you’re excited, and it means easy! My notes for Thai have a lot of up and down arrows and exclamation points after the words.

Antonia compared learning Thai like learning how to sing. And I love that she said that because approaching Thai like music has really helped me find some kind of rhythm. I’ve never learned a language like this. There are so many layers! I often have to remind myself to not only listen to how people are pronouncing things, but to notice how and where their voices go up and down. If I were really talented and a super fast note taker, I would love to write Thai phonetically WITH music notes. From my years playing piano, I know there are notations for high and low and dragging notes out, all of which would be so useful to me right now! For example, the words for near and far is “glai”: near is “glai!” and far is “glaaaaaiii”.

Now I’m really starting to love learning Thai. I love that words like “glai” SOUND like their meanings. Think about it. It’s like saying “It’s so close!” or “It’s soooo faaaaar.” I’m having more fun, now that I’m approaching it with different ears, different mind.

Some observations on learning a new language:
- NO EXPECTATIONS. In learning a new language, you really have to forget what you think you know about communicating. You have to give up all your perceptions of how you think people should say things. Of what you expect them to say.

- NO COMPARISONS. Things usually don’t translate word for word. And many times, don’t translate at all! Don’t be surprised if common phrases like “Did you have a good day?” are not common at all. Furthermore, sometimes, what takes 5 words in English, will take 10 in Thai. “How many children do you have?” is “Khun mee nak rian pbra man tau rai ka?”

- There are MANY INTERPRETATIONS. For example, “kao” can mean he or she, or rice, or understand, depending on how you use it. Just like the English word "will" is the future tense, or the last will and testament, or the stubbornness of a person!

- It’s important to learn proper Thai, but also learn the local accent. When you say “rong rian” people will look at you and scratch their heads. When you switch and say “long lian” then they will understand that you’re saying “school.” On that note, embrace that your name is Lala in Thailand.

- STAY POSITIVE. Just because you can’t speak it, doesn’t mean that you should beat yourself up OR the language! At the end of the day, millions of people read these symbol looking things like it’s nothing. Millions of people speak this foreign, in every sense of that word, language like its nothing. The way we use language is so special and so unique.

Love takes us to faraway places.

“When you travel, you experience, in a very practical way, the act of rebirth. You confront completely new situations, the day passes more slowly, and on most journeys you don’t even understand the language the people speak. So you are like a child just out of the womb. You begin to attach much more importance to the things around you because your survival depends upon them. You begin to be more accessible to others because they may be able to help you in difficult situations. And you accept any small favor from the gods with great delight, as if it were an episode you would remember for the rest of your life.”
From “The Pilgrimage” by Paulo Coehlo

My spirit has not yet caught up to my body. Looking back on this first week in Thailand, I realize that I am very much in the midst of a transition. Arriving here excited and content to be in Asia again, it was easy for me to forget that I have a lot to process. I have a lot of sorting out to do.

Yesterday, Perm Sak, one of the Good Shepherd employees here, invited Kia, Katrine, Eva and I to his house for lunch (the other three girls are Danish volunteers). Initially, we were going to drive an hour and a half to a waterfall, but the day started out with gray skies and nonstop rain. So we relocated to Perm’s house, where he lives with his wife Fun, his one-year-old son Neung, his mother, with some of his siblings next door. We arrived around 9:30am and played for a while with little Neung, who is one of the most affectionate babies I’ve ever met! He kept crawling all over me, giving me kisses, and blowing raspberries on my stomach. So cute!

Then we got in the car, to drive about thirty minutes to Fun’s family’s farm (say that three times fast), to pick up some fresh fish for our lunch. Perm lives in town and Fun’s family lives in the country (it’s not exactly rural, since it’s so easily accessible by paved roads, but it’s definitely not town anymore), so we had to drive through more greenery than I’ve seen since arriving in Thailand.

I’ve been consciously missing Malaysia the last couple of days, but driving through the rice paddies and banana trees and country homes, the homesickness for Pukak hit me hard. All I wanted was to be back on the crowded, bumpy, sweaty Sabahan minibus, driving up and down through the lush, jungle-covered hills. All I wanted was to be going back to Courtney’s and my home with Auntie Dorothy and Uncle Danny. It’s so vivid in my mind right now as I type this. When I was there in Sabah, I predicted that that windy drive from Tamparuli to Pukak would be one of the things that I missed the most. Now here I am in Nong Khai, actually feeling that awaited nostalgia. It makes my stomach turn.

And so I continue to transition from Malaysia to Thailand, from the US back to Asia, from that place to this place.

My spirit has not yet caught up to my body. When I think about it though, I realize that we, all of us, are constantly going through this transition. We are constantly learning new things, meeting new people, starting new phases of our lives. And the special thing about traveling is that it magnifies all of that. Like Coehlo says in the above quote – your survival depends upon the transition. And so it is. Here in Thailand, where all the signs are in the Thai script, where I often cannot understand the heavily Thai-accented English, where I have known my new family for a mere week, here in this new world, I must adapt. I am the fish out of water and I must learn how to breathe this new air.

I really am like a child just born! I love what Coehlo says up there about rebirth. Just like I predicted that I would be painfully missing the jungles of Sabah, I also predicted that this year in Thailand would invite a huge spiritual shift into my life. But before, I couldn’t really define that prediction. However, now, in reading Coehlo’s words, I know that my intuition suspects exactly that – a rebirth.

Rebirth tends to have mystical, mysterious, maybe even wacky connotations (anyone remember Lady Gaga’s performance where she came out of the huge yellow egg?). But the awesome, paradoxical thing about rebirth is that although it usually is special, intense, life-altering – it is also so ordinary. Like the birth of any child. For each one, the universe opens up again. All of creation comes to a climax. At the same time, the birth of any child is like a single breath. So fabulously simple and mundane.

In my first couple of days here in Thailand, I felt very comfortable. My skin started to clear out the redness and puffiness incurred during my whirlwind month in the States. As unknown as this new place is, it is more like Malaysia than any place in the States, and that was like a security blanket (of sweat). My whole being was celebrating – “Yes! This is my second year of volunteering in southeast Asia, I’m going to rock this out.”

During my second full day here, Antonia and I had lunch with Thida, another Good Shepherd employee I had just met. Thida bought dreamy chocolate covered ice cream bars for Antonia and I for dessert. In my other worlds, ice cream is part of the wallpaper. But here in this sweltering, country town, it was Thida’s thoughtfulness and a special treat. As Coehlo says, it really was a small favor from the gods.

But I think that brief honeymoon phase is over. That’s not to say that the joy and gratitude of small moments like that have disappeared. It’s just that the breath held, adrenaline pumped, blissful take-off is gone (in fact, all of last month kind of felt like that). I’m back on solid ground. I’ve arrived once again. Let’s see what I’ll find.

Elephants.

A cool quick random story that I just have to share: On Monday, I landed in Udon Thani International Airport, here in northeast Thailand. Antonia, my new boss, is there to pick me up. She's so nice. We get in the truck for a 50 minute drive to Nongkhai, where I'm living and working. It's a beautiful day. We're chatting. Halfway through the drive, we see an elephant on the side of the road!! There's a guy on top of the elephant and another guy on the ground splashing it with water. As we get closer we see that there's a baby next to the big one!! So amazing!! Antonia joked that they arranged for it to be there for me. She said it's actually pretty awesome because it's pretty rare to see elephants in this part of Thailand. She said they'll see an elephant on the road like that every couple of years. I take it as a good omen of my time here in Nongkhai. Next time I see one, I'll try to recover from my excitement in time to take a picture :)

And I'm back.

I’m in Thailand. At the Bangkok airport, Suvarnabhumi International.

It’s been more than a month since I last blogged, but I don’t have the space or energy to completely fill the gap, so here’s a mini update of what happened since then: Courtney and I left Malaysia. Lots of tearful goodbyes. Lots of crazy emotions. Holidayed in Bali for four days then Hong Kong for three. Then split ways with Court and flew to LA. Lots of crazy emotions and reverse culture shock. Jetlagged for one week, but so happy to see my family. Jess arrived in LA six days later. Then two weeks hanging out with family and friends and getting ready for Thailand. Said goodbye to my family and LA friends and flew to NYC. Lots of crazy emotions. Went to GSV orientation for three days. Then out and about in New York, all over – Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Ossining, Scarsdale, Long Island.

I can’t possibly get into the details of this past month from Asia to LA to NY (that’s still mindboggling to me), but you will notice the running theme of “lots of crazy emotions.” What I will say is that the past month has been overwhelming. I was coming off of a volunteer year in Malaysia. I was being present, or trying to be present, to my family and friends. I was preparing (visa and doctor’s appointments) for Thailand. Transitioning physically and mentally, scheduling my time, trying to re-center myself. So much. At times I was extremely fatigued. Other times I was just really happy to be.

So moving on, because at this point there’s no stopping, that brings me to - left JFK Airport Saturday night at 11pm. Lots of crazy emotions. After saying goodbye to Jess and watching her sprint away to get back to her almost expired parking, I had a moment where I thought: “I’m really doing this. Thailand is real. I’m going by myself.” And immediately my mind jumped to, “Oh my God, now that Jess is gone, no one in this airport knows who I am. I am completely alone.” And my next overwhelming thought was, “I am rebuilding. Again.” And that made me feel panicky. It was overwhelming to feel that I was again leaving the comfort of my family and friends who KNOW me, to a new group of people, to a new life. My reflex then was to call Jess and ask her to come back. But at the same time I knew that was silly and unnecessary. So as I stood there in the airport surrounded by people and luggage, feeling out my rising panic, my phone rang. It was my dad. And as I said hello, I just started bawling. Which was just what I needed. All this happened in about five minutes and in hearing my dad’s voice, I felt a settling. I knew in my heart, mind, and soul that I was exactly where I was meant to be in that moment. I felt that the universe was hugging me.

I did some more crying as I made some last goodbye phone calls while waiting at the gate, but no more sense of panic. In fact, I’ve been really pleased with my state of being for the last twenty four hours (I’ve been traveling for a whole day now!). In LA and NY, I repeatedly told people that I was not nervous to be in Thailand on my own. I was more nervous, actually really nervous, to be flying alone because I’ve had some airplane anxiety the last year. But maybe telling so many people helped me really face that fear and stamp it out. Because I’ve been really chill on the flights. I’ve even slept a bit, which doesn’t happen easily! The other thing too is that Pete booked me on Emirates, which totally lived up to its fancy reputation. I’ve been flying in luxury. Good food. Good leg space. Huge (relatively speaking) bathrooms. Amazing movie and TV show selection. My first flight was one of those huge two story Airbuses. And the flight crew was so diverse, they announced that the attendants on board could speak English, Arabic, Chinese, Spanish, Swahili, French, and Thai. I felt that was just as indicative of luxury as my complimentary socks/eye mask/toothbrush travel kit.

Anyway, I arrived in Dubai after twelve hours. Dubai is money. The Dubai airport has a Pinkberry! What?? Then I waited for three hours for my next flight to Bangkok. Flew six hours to Bangkok. And I’m in Asia again! As I walked off the plane, I found myself involuntarily smiling because I was so happy to be in Asia again. It was like a coming home. The Bangkok airport looks exactly like the Hong Kong airport (who am I that I can even say that?) and is so modern and nice. No free Wifi like in the Dubai airport, but I’ll live. I love seeing Thai writing everywhere and Asian people everywhere (though I thought the flight from Dubai to Bangkok was interesting because almost everyone except for maybe two passengers were tourists from Europe). I love the flowers and elaborate temple displays in the middle of all the sleek metal. But most of all, I think I love knowing that I’m going to be here for another year, that there is an amazing community waiting to welcome me, that this is just the beginning.

So my flight for Udon Thani, which is in northeast Thailand, leaves in less than two hours. I’m going to try to sleep because I’m pretty tired at this point. The flight is about an hour and a half and then it’s a forty-five minute drive from the airport to Nongkhai. And then I’m home! No matter where I am, it’s always so exciting to come home.

Peace and love,
Lara