I'm not dreaming of a white Christmas...

This past Saturday was the Good Shepherd Outreach Christmas party. There were about 200 people there. It was amazing. Families and children who are supported by Good Shepherd services attended. These families receive food, medical support, HIV support, and milk powder (for their babies) from Good Shepherd. The children, including the teenagers I teach, come to the Friendship Centre every other weekend for activities and English programs.

The children put on awesome performances that they had been practicing. I also got to be in the teenager’s performance because they needed another body. I had a lot of fun wearing my Santa hat and green skirt, dancing with candles and boughs and stars J We performed to “O Christmas Tree”, “Deck the Halls”, and a sweet song that goes “I’m not dreaming of a white Christmas, all I’m dreaming of is a peaceful world.” The younger kiddos performed to Jingle Bells, We Wish You A Merry Christmas, and Jingle Bell Rock. So cute!

The Friendship Centre was transformed into a Christmas wonderland by staff, workers, and us volunteers. It was beautiful!! At one point, Kia exclaimed, “Do they really have to do everything so perfect??!” Every detail was thoughtfully executed, from the balloon arrangements to the handmade bamboo nativity hut to Santa’s chair. We were busy preparing two weeks prior, especially the Outreach staff (Kate, Daen, Maew, Perm Sak, Sr. Pranee) and I thought numerous times that if we were back in the States, decorations would have been store-bought, ready-made. Much more time-saving, but also less special I think. Here, we cut out and attached every snowman’s nose, Kate carefully folded ribbons into masterful bows, Wanchai painstakingly built the bamboo hut.

After the children performed, the Outreach staff invited the people to bring up their gifts to the baby Jesus in the nativity set, with Chaon and Pik kneeling on either side as Joseph and Mary. Every year, they ask the people to bring small offerings of food, which Outreach will then bring to poor families in the villages. I was very moved by this part. People lined up so respectfully and deeply bowed to the nativity set before placing their donations. The Thai people have different forms of the “wai”, the bow. But this is the most respectful  one I’ve seen – on the knees, forehead to the knees. It also spoke to me of humility and acceptance – Christmas asks people to SURRENDER to the love of a powerless baby. Christmas asks us to put our faith and hope into this mystery of life. These Buddhist villagers showed me what it means to put the ego aside and bow down to the wonder and awe of life. They don’t worship Jesus as God, but their reverence and respect for the baby Jesus was so tangible.

Santa Clause also came to visit to pass out the gifts to everyone! An American man who has lived in Thailand now for many years, this was the second year he played Santa Clause for Good Shepherd Nongkhai. He has a natural white ponytail and full beard and full belly and full voice, so he really looked and sounded like Santa! I really enjoyed his jovial presence, which felt very American to me. I felt like I was back home hearing his “Ho ho ho’s”. He is also a very spiritual man who told Antonia that he prays for each person as he passes out the gifts. I actually started to cry when he made a short speech about the meaning of Christmas, about the peace and love of the season. I think mixed in there were the feelings of homesickness the whole party stirred up in me and the overwhelming bounty of love present.

After lunch, Nuphit’s daughter (around 12 years old) sang Silent Night in Thai for her mother in front of everyone. It was beautiful and also moved me to tears. It was doubly amazing because she was so confident in front of so many people – in my experience, Asian girls tend to be so shy. But she was so strong and confident up there. Nuphit, her mother, has largely, though not completely, lost the use of her legs. She needs a crutch to help her walk. But Antonia said that for a time, Nuphit would bike 6 km to work, to provide for her daughter. Now she has a motorcycle. Amazing. While her daughter sang, I cried out of gratitude for witnessing that kind of love. I cried because of the joy despite so much suffering in that group of people. I cried for my own family’s struggles and my own homesickness.

So many emotions, which is just about right for this Good Shepherd Volunteer in her home away from home! Thailand is a Buddhist country, so Christmas here is really not celebrated. Some things pop up on TV and in stores, but it’s more commercial than anything (though that’s not much different from the States I suppose!). But at the Good Shepherd Outreach party this weekend, I truly felt the magic of Christmas. Not in the same way as I did when I was 5-years-old and leaving notes for Santa so that he would know where to find us in the Philippines. But in the way that Christmas lights twinkle their way through the dark. In the way that the wise men followed the star, even though they didn’t know where it was leading them. In the way that pure joy and love transforms sickness and fear and sorrow.

And that was just the start of the parties! Three or four more to come!

Offering gifts of food. 

 The handmade bamboo hut!

 Christmas Tree decorating competition. My winning team's tree = far right. With Ying as the Star!

Antonia the red-nosed reindeer and Jiem and Wansai make merry. 

Showerheads.

I didn’t post anything for Thanksgiving, so in the spirit of gratitude, this post.

I just got back from a 12-day vacation in the Philippines. I am very grateful to have had that time with my mom and family there. It was full of reunions. With my two aunts and three cousins who live in the States and flew over with my mom. With my two uncles and aunt and cousins who live in Manila. With my 4-year-old cousin Jia whom I met for the first time on this trip! With my cousin Joanne who lives in my mom’s hometown of Hagonoy. With my mom’s cousins and family from her mom’s side who also live in Hagonoy. With my mom’s high school friends – they had a big reunion at their old high school, class of 1975! With my mom’s college friends. I’m so lucky to have such a big family in the Philippines!

It was a very full trip. I went to a beauty pageant. I saw the musical “The King and I” on stage. I got my teeth cleaned at the dentist. I went to my Uncle Eddie’s burial (there was a funeral back in California that I missed because I was in Malaysia, now he’s interred in the Philippines, at his family’s cemetery). I ate a lot of delicious Filipino food that I haven’t had in years. I ate an amazing soy burger. I went to Tagaytay to see Taal Lake and the volcano. I ate a lot of halo halo. I stayed in a hotel penthouse with my mom and her high school friends. I Skyped my dad and sister in California. I went to the mall. So full!

I’m so very grateful for my mom’s and family’s generosity. I really loved being with all of them.

Now I’m back in Thailand. Yesterday on the hour-long bus ride from the airport to my town, I chatted with an American gentleman coming to visit his daughter, who now resides in Laos. He gave me her number for when I make a visa trip to Laos at the end of December – I’m very grateful for that contact because I will probably go alone. Then I was very grateful to be back here in my quiet farm town! To be back in my little room, in my house with my two housemates. I had such a sweet welcome from my community here. And I arrived just in time for Nonnie’s fifth birthday dinner! Nothing better than coming home after travelling to good people and good food.

To top off my homecoming, today was the King’s birthday, which means it was Father’s Day, which means that it was a holiday! I was very grateful to sleep in today – I slept about 12 hours! Then I spent the day working on some craft projects, watching “Shark Night” (terrible but perfect for a lazy day), and hanging out with Kia and Katrine. At one point during the day, after hanging my laundry, I walked back to my room which I was in the process of reorganizing and I had this very settled and happy feeling of really being home. I felt, yea, I do belong here. It was a really nice feeling.

Last thanksgiving I’ll offer in this entry: for community and for my showerhead! To preface this anecdote, some background info. When I first arrived, Antonia suggested that I keep a container in my bathroom filled with water, for when water gets shut off all throughout town, which she said happens at certain times in the year. I never got around to getting such a container, but when the water shut-off finally occurred, maybe a month and a half ago, it wasn’t too big of a deal because the water came back later in the day. However, after that, the water pressure in my shower just wasn’t what it used to be (which was actually pretty good). Since the water shut-off and lack of pressure were caused by a general lack of water pressure and low rainfall, I just showered with my showerhead as per usual, even though it took forever to wash my hair out (I could have switched to bucket baths of course, but honestly I just felt too lazy to do that). But finally after a couple weeks of this, the water pressure became just a dribble. So, I did the next best thing…I started using the nozzle (on a short hose) next to my toilet, which continued to have really amazing pressure, even better than my showerhead ever had. In Thailand, there are two preferred styles of cleaning yourself after using the toilet: toilet paper or the water nozzle. I like having the hose in my bathroom because I use it to clean (I don’t have an enclosed shower which makes it even easier). Well, for the last month, I was also grateful to have the hose because it made showering much faster.

When I arrived back yesterday, I was told that Nongkhai had gotten more rain than usual over the last couple weeks. I was excited to hear this because I thought maybe my shower would be back to normal pressure. But when I tried it later, I was disappointed to see that it was worse than ever.

Then, some valuable information came my way. When I mentioned my disappointment to Kia this morning, she told me that our Thai coworker Perm Sak showed her how to use a needle to clear the showerhead of calcium deposits! She said after she did that, her shower was back to normal and it was so nice again. When it was time to shower again tonight, I cleared out the calcium (I’m such a volunteer – I actually wondered if it was the same kind of calcium the human body needs and if I could ingest that kind of calcium should I require it) and lo and behold! I have my water pressure back! Still didn’t have hot water, but I was so happy I grinned through my whole shower. Thank you Perm Sak, Kia, and safety pins. I’m so excited to take my showerhead shower tomorrow again J

Bangphi Payana.

Today, it’s Obama again. When he won the first election, I was elated and proud. I felt blessed to have the privilege of voting him into office. Today, I had the same feelings, plus relief! During that first election night, I was at a play in LA and then came back to my apartment at LMU. I was surrounded by people celebrating in the streets. I felt young and full of hope! This time around, I’m in Thailand as a foreigner. My community here in Nongkhai has followed the campaign with as much interest as I and everyone has been very happy and even relieved about Obama’s second term. But I’m pretty sure I can say that no one feels as proud as I do.

As an Asian American in Asia, I think a lot about what it means to be American, what it means to be Asian American, what it means to be a foreigner. Often I have mixed feelings. But there are times, not so few and far between, when I feel so proud to be American, through and through. Today, I am proud. To be American means to know without a doubt that my absentee ballot mailed in from Thailand made a difference. To be American means to have a voice. To be American means to unwaveringly hope in the future.

Two weekends ago, as Hurricane Sandy raged on the East Coast unbeknownst to me, I celebrated an annual festival called Bangphi Payana (literally “fireball serpent”). Every year, here in Nongkhai and in Laos, people celebrate Bangphi Payana which always coincides with the end of Buddhist Lent, which coincides with the full moon (in the States, we celebrate Halloween). The Bangphi Payana festival marks the natural phenomenon of “fireballs” shooting out of the Mekong River. People told me that one explanation is that 2,500 years ago the Lord Buddha ascended into Heaven to give his teachings to his mother – when he came back to earth, the fireballs were shot out of the river to welcome him back. Further explanation says that a giant serpent that lives in the Mekong produces the fireballs. Scientists from all over the world have tried to uncover the mystery. But all attempts have been unsuccessful. One year, they were going to send divers into the river to prove that the fireballs are actually manmade. However, there was a huge storm that year, and there were no fireballs at all. In the weeks previous to this year’s festival, I was also told that there might not be any fireballs this year because it has been a very dry season. My boss Antonia told me that she has tried to see the fireballs twice and has not seen anything. Needless to say, I had no idea what to expect. I was very excited.

On the day of, Kia, Perm Sak and I drove two hours to get to a popular spot to view the spectacle (they appear at various spots along the Mekong). When we got there, we realized that even if we saw nothing, it would still be a good time. There were so many people, so many food vendors, so many families picnicking. It was a huge party! And if the Mekong serpent chose not to oblige this year, the Thai and Lao people would more than make up with firecrackers, fireworks, and floating lanterns.

As the sun set spectacularly and we took our spots along the river’s edge, I could feel my anticipation building. As we sat for 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes with still no sign of even a firespark, I started to contemplate hope. All during the drive, I kept telling myself not to get my expectations too high. But seeing all those people, it was inevitable for my excitement to increase – if all those people had come to see this, it had to happen, right? But as it got darker and darker, my doubts started to grow stronger. I told myself repeatedly, there’s no harm in hoping with all your heart that you see one of these stupid fireballs. But some kind of defense mechanism within me made sure that the doubt stuck with all its might. I felt a kind of shame that I couldn’t let go of that doubt and anticipate as a child anticipates Santa Clause.

As we waited there, people were continuously exploding very loud firecrackers and fireworks. I have never been so close to fireworks before! (At one point in the night, Thai military showed up and firmly confiscated a man’s stock of fireworks.) People were also sending up lanterns, which was beautiful. I would recommend going to the festival just for the lanterns. On our side, people would send them up whenever they wanted. But on the Laos side of the river, they sent up hundreds at the same time. It was amazing, like something out of a movie (“Tangled” specifically). The lanterns floated their way up, like lazy little stars.

Each time a lantern was sent up, I found myself sending prayers up along with it. Most prevalent on my mind that night were Obama’s reelection and my brother Andrew. I think because each lantern seemed to defy gravity, because each lantern lit up the blank night for my naked eye even hundreds of feet up, I was really feeling surges of peace in regards to both prayers. I really felt that even though I was slightly doubting these mythical fireballs, I was feeling pure hope for Obama and for Andrew.

As hopes, doubts, and prayers silently and calmly swirled within me, as more and more lanterns lit up the darkness, all of a sudden there was a red ball of light streaking through the black air above the river. And then there was no more room for doubt. That night we saw 88 fireballs.

Fireworks noisily streak into the air leaving traces of their path, and sparking off at the end. The fireballs, however, climbed silently up and up and then simply disappeared. The amazing thing was that we could follow the fireballs through the air no problem. You could see the fireworks were being shot up by something and they would flash by in a second. The fireballs, on the other hand, simply seemed to be rising for 3 or 4 seconds. Like small red glowing baseballs arcing through the air.

Each time another one went up, each time the crowd cheered, each time the lady behind us screamed her head off in appreciation, I felt awe and joy equaling amusement. I was hoping for even half a fireball and we ended up seeing almost 100 (there were many more than 100 that night I’m sure – we left before it ended to brave the traffic).

So yes I had moments of doubt. The same goes for Obama’s reelection. The same goes for my brother’s absence. But the fireballs have taught me that in the end, the doubt does not negate the hope. Perhaps one day I will learn to hope like a child does. Perhaps one day I will learn to hope without reserve from that place within me where everything is one. But for now, I know that hope is worth fighting for. I know that hope produces fire from water!

Alloy mak mak!

(Very very delicious!)

This blog wouldn’t truly be of me if I didn’t have an entry about food.

I’m very grateful that Thai food is so easily accessible and delicious back home – the first time I ordered pad see ew, without a menu, my Thai coworkers were impressed. Yes, pad see ew and pad Thai are very common dishes here! Since I never eat pad Thai because of the peanuts, I can’t speak to its taste here in Thailand, but I have had really good pad see ew. I will say, however, that maybe Thai restaurants in the States jazz it up a little bit for American tastes, because I still think the best pad see ew I’ve had is at Three Spice Kitchen in Gardena.

But not to worry, I’ve definitely had plenty of mouthwatering obsession-worthy food – food that totally lives up to international love of Thai food.

Here in northeast Thailand, one of the most traditional and staple dishes is som tam, or papaya salad. They shred the green papaya and mash it up with tomatoes, chili, and fish sauce. For me, no fish sauce and easy on the chili. So delicious and refreshing! The best way and very common way to eat som tam is with sticky rice, or kao niao. You take a bit of sticky rice with your hands and use that wad to scoop up some som tam. Yum!

Here in the village, celebratory or communal meals (i.e. farewell parties, birthday parties, weekly Monday dinner) are always eaten on the floor usually in the sala (patio) or on a raised bamboo platform (I don’t know the name of this yet) just outside the house. All the food is placed in the middle and everyone uses their hands to take food. Sometimes the people don’t need their own plate. They just take and eat.

At work, we also all eat lunch together. Because we sit cross-legged on the floor, I had to get used to keeping my plate such a far distance from my mouth. At first, I would hold my plate in one hand and raise it closer to my mouth (I noticed others eating like this sometimes, so I knew it wasn’t impolite). But after a couple days of work lunches, I noticed the way that Kate, one of the Thai Good Shepherd staff, eats. I noticed how carefully she loads her spoon, making sure that nothing is hanging or dripping off. Taking her time like this ensures that her food doesn’t go all over the place on the longer journey to her mouth. So now I try to do the same. I keep my plate on the floor and am more conscious about how I’m eating. It’s a nice practice in simplicity and gratitude as well.

So continuing on with delicious food I’ve eaten…Normally there’s a lot of savory pork or chicken and vegetable stir fry. The vegetable stir fry is so simple but probably one of my favorite dishes here and in Malaysia. There’s also a lot of fried egg around. I’ve had a really good coconut curry, bamboo shoot soup, ginger and tofu soup, fried vegetables (like tempura), and barbecue pork.

Of course, with my major sweet tooth, I’m obsessed with kenom, the equivalent of kuih in Malaysia, which is basically a word for snack. But my favorite kenom are the rice desserts – for example, sticky rice mashed up with sweet beans, wrapped in a banana leaf. Boonlai, who lives in the Garden here, makes the best. I’ve had really good cassava and pumpkin kenom as well. Sticky rice mashed with taro and coconut milk, baked in a hollow bamboo – so amazing. There are banana chips everywhere here too and they are so addicting. So are the pumpkin chips. And Court, guess what – I have found fried banana to rival Henritta’s. There’s a woman on the side of the road who deep fries these bananas and sometimes sweet potatoes, til they are dark dark golden brown and very very crispy. She mixes sesame seeds into the batter and it’s seriously like eating a piece of heaven. I’m salivating as I type this. I went to the Sunday market today and wanted to buy everything at the kenom section. But don’t worry Ana, I’m pacing myself. I’ll buy the pumpkin pudding next week.

Fruits and vegetables are abundant here and so cheap. I’m happy that the markets here carry pretty much the same veggies as in Malaysia. Jungle veggies, winter melon, okra (except Thai okra is ginormous!), Chinese broccoli, long beans, tomatoes, and the sweetest carrots ever. For fruit, there’s durian, jackfruit, guava, dragonfruit, lots of papaya, of course bananas, mangosteen, langsat, and mangoes (though mango season is not until May). Last week, one of the women gave me a lotus flower bulb…I knew they use the lotus to cook, but she showed me how to eat the seeds fresh! Wild. I felt a little bit guilty, but I honored the lotus by really enjoying it. I’ve also had a moon cake made with lotus seeds.

So I get to eat a good amount of authentic Thai. But I also get to cook because I eat breakfast and dinner at home. Breakfast has been oatmeal or muesli with soymilk. Tons of soymilk here and it’s cheap. The muesli is imported from Germany and surprisingly is also cheap. I’m excited to go back home and eat more muesli, rather than cereal. For dinner, I’ve been doing stir fry vegetables with eggs or beans. I buy dried black beans and dried green mung beans. Yum. I’m proud to say that I’ve also made a really good pumpkin curry, a la Malaysia. Today I bought the ingredients to make banana bread (Court, we have an oven like RTC!) because Kia and Katrine have never had banana bread! Scandalous. I’m excited because they made a chocolate cake a while ago which turned out delicious. It’s been ages since I’ve made banana bread and I’m so excited to try it!

Hopefully this entry has successfully persuaded you to come visit me. Because you know that was the goal from the beginning  When you do come, we can eat all the curry and pad see ew and fried rice and papaya salad and sticky rice that you want. We can even try the fried grasshoppers if you’re feeling up to it!

 First dinner in Thailand.

 At Boonlai's house for Ying's birthday! We're sitting on the bamboo platform.

Amazing egg crepes with fresh vegetables and ground pork.

 Kenom! Sticky rice and yam and coconut milk in a bamboo.

Fried crickets! 

Pasa Thai.

Coming to Thailand twenty-five days ago, I knew one word in Thai: “sawadikap” (some friends in Malaysia, when they found out I was going to Thailand, started to say that to me all the time; it means “hello”). I felt okay with my one-word vocabulary though. I had started to feel a little concerned that I didn’t make more of an effort, any effort really, to learn some Thai, especially when Pete urgently asked me on several occasions if GSV should invest in some Rosetta Stone and send it my way. And then Antonia sent me a note a month or two prior to my arrival saying I should really try to pick up some simple Thai because it would make a world of a difference. But even then, I didn’t have the energy to sit down and learn a completely foreign language, amidst my leaving Malaysia, coming home to LA, visiting NY, and traveling to Thailand. I knew learning Thai would not be easy, but I felt ready to go with the flow. So I was content with “sawadikap.”

Then I arrived in Nongkhai and learned that I was saying the one word I thought I knew, incorrectly. Since I am a female, the correct way for me to say hello is “sawadiKA” not “sawadiKAP”. It was then I started to understand Pete’s and Antonia’s concern.

In my first couple weeks here, I really felt overwhelmed by Thai. I have always loved learning new languages. I loved French in high school and college. I loved Malay and Dusun in Malaysia. I was looking forward to learning Thai. But this is also the most I’ve ever been immersed in a language other than English. In Malaysia, English was everywhere (former British colony) and I could have easily gone through the year learning no Malay. Here in Thailand, in my placement, it really is necessary to learn Thai in order to build more fulfilling relationships with the community. And Thailand, which incidentally is a country that has never been colonized by any outside nation, really seems to be very Thai. TV shows, radio stations, movies – it seems to be 98% Thai. Which is a big difference from Malaysia, where I was kept up to date with American and British entertainment. I knew every song on the radio when I came back home. That won’t be the case when I come back from Thailand. (I’m really really excited about this discovery. I’m already a fan of Thai music videos.)

So in arriving here, I understood just how necessary learning Thai was. But I was overwhelmed. Every time I heard someone speaking Thai, every time one of the women spoke Thai to me, all I heard were sounds. I couldn’t even distinguish between different words let alone sentences. It was, it IS, such a foreign language to me. With Malay, it sounds very similar to Tagalog, which I grew up hearing my mom speak. So with Malay, I felt I caught on to the rhythms of the language quickly. But hearing Thai was like someone trying to teach me how to whistle – it just didn’t register in my brain at all.

My first two weeks, I don’t think I said anything at all to the people I work with at Hands of Hope. Of course I would say hello and thank you, but I was very frustrated that I couldn’t say simple things like “beautiful!” or “do you have scissors?” or “how are you?” I kept saying all these phrases in my head in Malay and inwardly grumbling that if I were back in Sabah, it would be so different.

I really felt trapped and silenced in the first couple weeks. (Mostly with the people I work with – Antonia my boss is Australian and my two Danish housemates speak English fluently.) Even though there was so much communication possible and even though body language works pretty well, I just couldn’t express myself and there was so much I wanted to know, so much I wanted to tell them.

The frustration continued when I started to try to learn some words, by pointing at things and saying “Thai?” - I could barely understand how people were pronouncing things. Like I said, it really just sounded like sounds. Sounds that I couldn’t even visualize in my head. Which was another thing! It was difficult to write things down phonetically, which was even more discouraging because I really need to see something to memorize it. And I couldn’t even practice reading Thai (I can read Malay pretty well), because Thai is written in Thai script! Overwhelming.

Then we started Party Thai lessons. Our teacher’s name is Party. We meet with her twice a week and it’s amazing. She has been able to give us phonetic spellings, which has opened up Thai for me. I stopped being so frustrated.

However, it is still a little bit overwhelming sometimes because so much of the language IS based on sounds. There are many different tones and intonations in Thai and there are words that are pronounced the same phonetically but with different tones have different meanings. For example, the word “ngai.” Say “ngai” in a slightly low voice, kind of like you’re tired, and it means tired! Say “ngai” in a slightly high voice, kind of like you’re excited, and it means easy! My notes for Thai have a lot of up and down arrows and exclamation points after the words.

Antonia compared learning Thai like learning how to sing. And I love that she said that because approaching Thai like music has really helped me find some kind of rhythm. I’ve never learned a language like this. There are so many layers! I often have to remind myself to not only listen to how people are pronouncing things, but to notice how and where their voices go up and down. If I were really talented and a super fast note taker, I would love to write Thai phonetically WITH music notes. From my years playing piano, I know there are notations for high and low and dragging notes out, all of which would be so useful to me right now! For example, the words for near and far is “glai”: near is “glai!” and far is “glaaaaaiii”.

Now I’m really starting to love learning Thai. I love that words like “glai” SOUND like their meanings. Think about it. It’s like saying “It’s so close!” or “It’s soooo faaaaar.” I’m having more fun, now that I’m approaching it with different ears, different mind.

Some observations on learning a new language:
- NO EXPECTATIONS. In learning a new language, you really have to forget what you think you know about communicating. You have to give up all your perceptions of how you think people should say things. Of what you expect them to say.

- NO COMPARISONS. Things usually don’t translate word for word. And many times, don’t translate at all! Don’t be surprised if common phrases like “Did you have a good day?” are not common at all. Furthermore, sometimes, what takes 5 words in English, will take 10 in Thai. “How many children do you have?” is “Khun mee nak rian pbra man tau rai ka?”

- There are MANY INTERPRETATIONS. For example, “kao” can mean he or she, or rice, or understand, depending on how you use it. Just like the English word "will" is the future tense, or the last will and testament, or the stubbornness of a person!

- It’s important to learn proper Thai, but also learn the local accent. When you say “rong rian” people will look at you and scratch their heads. When you switch and say “long lian” then they will understand that you’re saying “school.” On that note, embrace that your name is Lala in Thailand.

- STAY POSITIVE. Just because you can’t speak it, doesn’t mean that you should beat yourself up OR the language! At the end of the day, millions of people read these symbol looking things like it’s nothing. Millions of people speak this foreign, in every sense of that word, language like its nothing. The way we use language is so special and so unique.

Love takes us to faraway places.

“When you travel, you experience, in a very practical way, the act of rebirth. You confront completely new situations, the day passes more slowly, and on most journeys you don’t even understand the language the people speak. So you are like a child just out of the womb. You begin to attach much more importance to the things around you because your survival depends upon them. You begin to be more accessible to others because they may be able to help you in difficult situations. And you accept any small favor from the gods with great delight, as if it were an episode you would remember for the rest of your life.”
From “The Pilgrimage” by Paulo Coehlo

My spirit has not yet caught up to my body. Looking back on this first week in Thailand, I realize that I am very much in the midst of a transition. Arriving here excited and content to be in Asia again, it was easy for me to forget that I have a lot to process. I have a lot of sorting out to do.

Yesterday, Perm Sak, one of the Good Shepherd employees here, invited Kia, Katrine, Eva and I to his house for lunch (the other three girls are Danish volunteers). Initially, we were going to drive an hour and a half to a waterfall, but the day started out with gray skies and nonstop rain. So we relocated to Perm’s house, where he lives with his wife Fun, his one-year-old son Neung, his mother, with some of his siblings next door. We arrived around 9:30am and played for a while with little Neung, who is one of the most affectionate babies I’ve ever met! He kept crawling all over me, giving me kisses, and blowing raspberries on my stomach. So cute!

Then we got in the car, to drive about thirty minutes to Fun’s family’s farm (say that three times fast), to pick up some fresh fish for our lunch. Perm lives in town and Fun’s family lives in the country (it’s not exactly rural, since it’s so easily accessible by paved roads, but it’s definitely not town anymore), so we had to drive through more greenery than I’ve seen since arriving in Thailand.

I’ve been consciously missing Malaysia the last couple of days, but driving through the rice paddies and banana trees and country homes, the homesickness for Pukak hit me hard. All I wanted was to be back on the crowded, bumpy, sweaty Sabahan minibus, driving up and down through the lush, jungle-covered hills. All I wanted was to be going back to Courtney’s and my home with Auntie Dorothy and Uncle Danny. It’s so vivid in my mind right now as I type this. When I was there in Sabah, I predicted that that windy drive from Tamparuli to Pukak would be one of the things that I missed the most. Now here I am in Nong Khai, actually feeling that awaited nostalgia. It makes my stomach turn.

And so I continue to transition from Malaysia to Thailand, from the US back to Asia, from that place to this place.

My spirit has not yet caught up to my body. When I think about it though, I realize that we, all of us, are constantly going through this transition. We are constantly learning new things, meeting new people, starting new phases of our lives. And the special thing about traveling is that it magnifies all of that. Like Coehlo says in the above quote – your survival depends upon the transition. And so it is. Here in Thailand, where all the signs are in the Thai script, where I often cannot understand the heavily Thai-accented English, where I have known my new family for a mere week, here in this new world, I must adapt. I am the fish out of water and I must learn how to breathe this new air.

I really am like a child just born! I love what Coehlo says up there about rebirth. Just like I predicted that I would be painfully missing the jungles of Sabah, I also predicted that this year in Thailand would invite a huge spiritual shift into my life. But before, I couldn’t really define that prediction. However, now, in reading Coehlo’s words, I know that my intuition suspects exactly that – a rebirth.

Rebirth tends to have mystical, mysterious, maybe even wacky connotations (anyone remember Lady Gaga’s performance where she came out of the huge yellow egg?). But the awesome, paradoxical thing about rebirth is that although it usually is special, intense, life-altering – it is also so ordinary. Like the birth of any child. For each one, the universe opens up again. All of creation comes to a climax. At the same time, the birth of any child is like a single breath. So fabulously simple and mundane.

In my first couple of days here in Thailand, I felt very comfortable. My skin started to clear out the redness and puffiness incurred during my whirlwind month in the States. As unknown as this new place is, it is more like Malaysia than any place in the States, and that was like a security blanket (of sweat). My whole being was celebrating – “Yes! This is my second year of volunteering in southeast Asia, I’m going to rock this out.”

During my second full day here, Antonia and I had lunch with Thida, another Good Shepherd employee I had just met. Thida bought dreamy chocolate covered ice cream bars for Antonia and I for dessert. In my other worlds, ice cream is part of the wallpaper. But here in this sweltering, country town, it was Thida’s thoughtfulness and a special treat. As Coehlo says, it really was a small favor from the gods.

But I think that brief honeymoon phase is over. That’s not to say that the joy and gratitude of small moments like that have disappeared. It’s just that the breath held, adrenaline pumped, blissful take-off is gone (in fact, all of last month kind of felt like that). I’m back on solid ground. I’ve arrived once again. Let’s see what I’ll find.

Elephants.

A cool quick random story that I just have to share: On Monday, I landed in Udon Thani International Airport, here in northeast Thailand. Antonia, my new boss, is there to pick me up. She's so nice. We get in the truck for a 50 minute drive to Nongkhai, where I'm living and working. It's a beautiful day. We're chatting. Halfway through the drive, we see an elephant on the side of the road!! There's a guy on top of the elephant and another guy on the ground splashing it with water. As we get closer we see that there's a baby next to the big one!! So amazing!! Antonia joked that they arranged for it to be there for me. She said it's actually pretty awesome because it's pretty rare to see elephants in this part of Thailand. She said they'll see an elephant on the road like that every couple of years. I take it as a good omen of my time here in Nongkhai. Next time I see one, I'll try to recover from my excitement in time to take a picture :)

And I'm back.

I’m in Thailand. At the Bangkok airport, Suvarnabhumi International.

It’s been more than a month since I last blogged, but I don’t have the space or energy to completely fill the gap, so here’s a mini update of what happened since then: Courtney and I left Malaysia. Lots of tearful goodbyes. Lots of crazy emotions. Holidayed in Bali for four days then Hong Kong for three. Then split ways with Court and flew to LA. Lots of crazy emotions and reverse culture shock. Jetlagged for one week, but so happy to see my family. Jess arrived in LA six days later. Then two weeks hanging out with family and friends and getting ready for Thailand. Said goodbye to my family and LA friends and flew to NYC. Lots of crazy emotions. Went to GSV orientation for three days. Then out and about in New York, all over – Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Ossining, Scarsdale, Long Island.

I can’t possibly get into the details of this past month from Asia to LA to NY (that’s still mindboggling to me), but you will notice the running theme of “lots of crazy emotions.” What I will say is that the past month has been overwhelming. I was coming off of a volunteer year in Malaysia. I was being present, or trying to be present, to my family and friends. I was preparing (visa and doctor’s appointments) for Thailand. Transitioning physically and mentally, scheduling my time, trying to re-center myself. So much. At times I was extremely fatigued. Other times I was just really happy to be.

So moving on, because at this point there’s no stopping, that brings me to - left JFK Airport Saturday night at 11pm. Lots of crazy emotions. After saying goodbye to Jess and watching her sprint away to get back to her almost expired parking, I had a moment where I thought: “I’m really doing this. Thailand is real. I’m going by myself.” And immediately my mind jumped to, “Oh my God, now that Jess is gone, no one in this airport knows who I am. I am completely alone.” And my next overwhelming thought was, “I am rebuilding. Again.” And that made me feel panicky. It was overwhelming to feel that I was again leaving the comfort of my family and friends who KNOW me, to a new group of people, to a new life. My reflex then was to call Jess and ask her to come back. But at the same time I knew that was silly and unnecessary. So as I stood there in the airport surrounded by people and luggage, feeling out my rising panic, my phone rang. It was my dad. And as I said hello, I just started bawling. Which was just what I needed. All this happened in about five minutes and in hearing my dad’s voice, I felt a settling. I knew in my heart, mind, and soul that I was exactly where I was meant to be in that moment. I felt that the universe was hugging me.

I did some more crying as I made some last goodbye phone calls while waiting at the gate, but no more sense of panic. In fact, I’ve been really pleased with my state of being for the last twenty four hours (I’ve been traveling for a whole day now!). In LA and NY, I repeatedly told people that I was not nervous to be in Thailand on my own. I was more nervous, actually really nervous, to be flying alone because I’ve had some airplane anxiety the last year. But maybe telling so many people helped me really face that fear and stamp it out. Because I’ve been really chill on the flights. I’ve even slept a bit, which doesn’t happen easily! The other thing too is that Pete booked me on Emirates, which totally lived up to its fancy reputation. I’ve been flying in luxury. Good food. Good leg space. Huge (relatively speaking) bathrooms. Amazing movie and TV show selection. My first flight was one of those huge two story Airbuses. And the flight crew was so diverse, they announced that the attendants on board could speak English, Arabic, Chinese, Spanish, Swahili, French, and Thai. I felt that was just as indicative of luxury as my complimentary socks/eye mask/toothbrush travel kit.

Anyway, I arrived in Dubai after twelve hours. Dubai is money. The Dubai airport has a Pinkberry! What?? Then I waited for three hours for my next flight to Bangkok. Flew six hours to Bangkok. And I’m in Asia again! As I walked off the plane, I found myself involuntarily smiling because I was so happy to be in Asia again. It was like a coming home. The Bangkok airport looks exactly like the Hong Kong airport (who am I that I can even say that?) and is so modern and nice. No free Wifi like in the Dubai airport, but I’ll live. I love seeing Thai writing everywhere and Asian people everywhere (though I thought the flight from Dubai to Bangkok was interesting because almost everyone except for maybe two passengers were tourists from Europe). I love the flowers and elaborate temple displays in the middle of all the sleek metal. But most of all, I think I love knowing that I’m going to be here for another year, that there is an amazing community waiting to welcome me, that this is just the beginning.

So my flight for Udon Thani, which is in northeast Thailand, leaves in less than two hours. I’m going to try to sleep because I’m pretty tired at this point. The flight is about an hour and a half and then it’s a forty-five minute drive from the airport to Nongkhai. And then I’m home! No matter where I am, it’s always so exciting to come home.

Peace and love,
Lara

Pause.

I have exactly one week left in Pukak. Does that baffle you?? It baffles me. But let's not think about that. For now, here are some lessons I've learned from village life. (For Court's awesome stories, check out her blog.)

THINGS I'VE LEARNED TEACHING IN A VILLAGE SCHOOL:
1. Girls really are generally more well-behaved than boys.

2. Hold on to your answer key and watch, or else a rascally boy will steal them. But, if stolen, your things will always be returned. Except for that whiteboard marker.

3. No need for worksheets. Just have the kids copy off the board. This occupies them well and saves ink/paper.

4. Learn to ignore disturbances. Like kids not paying any attention at all in the back of the classroom. Or boys playing with caterpillars in their cocoons. Or frogs. Or baby birds. As long as one kid is doing work, your being there is not a waste of time.

5. If you have to play a game instead of doing your planned lesson, it’s quite alright because at least you are still talking to them in English.

6. Classes might be disrupted due to heavy rains which will make it very hard to hear, since the classroom is not completely enclosed (wire grills for windows).

7. If you have kids read their work out loud in order to give them public speaking practice and to boost their self-confidence, the other kids probably won’t listen.

8. It’s better for the kids to work together in groups because their English skill levels will vary widely.

9. If some of your kids are absent from your class, don’t worry because they probably decided to go to Courtney’s class instead. Probably to play bingo or get candy. On the same note, don’t worry if kids randomly decide to leave the classroom. They’ll come back eventually.

10. Things will get better. In the beginning, you might end each class feeling exhausted, frustrated, defeated. By the end, you will be chilled out, amused, and will enjoy the kids immensely, as crazy as they are. Sure Brandon and co. are running amuck, but at least he is singing “You are my aiskrim” (ice cream) at the top of his lungs to the tune of Backstreet Boys.

THINGS I USED TO TAKE FOR GRANTED, BUT NOW MAKE MY WORLD LIGHT UP:
1. Hooks in bathrooms – public, hostel, home, or otherwise. Useful for purses, towels, clothes, loofahs. Court and I haven’t lived anywhere here with a counter in the bathrooms. So hooks are necessary.

2. Toilet paper in bathrooms. Public bathrooms in Malaysia don’t generally have toilet paper, though you can usually buy a tissue pack when you pay to use. In case you’re interested, the toilet of preference is the squat toilet, which I have come to appreciate! (One pro is that you don’t have to ever use toilet seat covers, which saves resources. Also, squatting over a squat toilet is less work on the thighs than squatting over a toilet bowl, which I sometimes do anyway in public restrooms. I could go on and on but then this would turn into a blog about toilets.)

3. Electricity. No electricity means that fans go out and heat and bugs come in. There have been a couple weeks here in the village, where the electricity, like clockwork, will go out in the evening. Usually it comes back on within a couple minutes, but sometimes it will go out the entire night. Keeps us on our toes. 

4. Brand-spanking new mops and brooms. And mop buckets! Without a proper mop bucket, you have to wring out the mop with your hands which takes more energy.

5. Washing machines. In our first placement here in Sabah, Court and I did laundry by hand exclusively. In our second placement, we started out doing our laundry by hand. But since we were in the city, I ended up just taking my clothes to the local dry cleaners where they would launder, DRY, and fold my clothes for a minimal price. Now, we have a washing machine in our home! It’s awesome. We don’t have a dryer but there’s a spin dryer which really decreases time on the clothesline.

6. Rice, veggies, and egg (fried or scrambled). Such a simple meal but always delicious here. I can eat platefuls. The kids certainly do.

7. Steady phone service. Whenever Court and I go to the city, we always have to think twice about the fact that our phone has full bars wherever we are. While in the village, we have to find certain spots to get service. My fave spots are on the porch at the training center where we work. And also on the porch at our house.

8. Showers. I now shower twice a day because it really helps with sweatiness, which helps with not getting bit so badly by mosquitoes. We also have an electronic water pump and heater at our house now so it’s fabulous. At the hostel, there’s no showerhead, just a bucket. But I still really enjoy this shower, because I usually heat water on the stove which makes it the hottest bath I’ve had at any of our placements.

9. Rain. No rain means heat heat heat. Heat during the day. Heat during the night. No rain also means no beautiful rice paddies and farms, which means no source of income or food for many families.

10. Just sitting. Court and I do a lot of sitting here. Sometimes there’s nothing else better to do than just sit and stare at each other. But really, it’s more than that (and also don’t misread that – there’s never a boring moment here). It’s part of the culture here. I remember back in October, we took a field trip with the teenage girls we were living and working with, and we were waiting for our bus back home so we were just sitting at the place we were staying. The girls weren’t really doing anything. Some were looking at old newspapers, some were chatting quietly. But most were just sitting. My American brain was going a million miles a minute, I remember. I was trying to think of a game or conversation or something fun. But finally I just told myself to relax and enjoy being in their company. Even if we weren’t actively doing anything. So I did. And that’s what we do a lot here. We sit and enjoy each other’s company. Whether it’s just me and Courtney, or us and staff during tea breaks, or us and our host family at dinner. It’s good to pause like that.

The kids.

 The kids cleaning up their beautiful home. They look happy don't they? Jeron is in the black tshirt front and center.

 The kids putting on a play about Saint Mary Euphrasia's life. If you couldn't tell, the girls are wearing their school skirts on their heads because they are nuns!

 In line for some food and birthday cake! Alphonsus smiling wide there.

 Webster the monkey climbing the papaya tree.

 The girls playing jump rope using their towels. Ellieca the jumping bean.

It's been 6 months since Courtney and I moved to Pukak. Where does half a year go??? I thought it would be fun to finally introduce the kids that Court and I have been spending so much time with.

Junily (7 years old) is the youngest sister of Beatrice and Alphonsus. She reminds me of an awkward but still graceful baby deer. She has the most beautiful almond shaped yellow tinted brown eyes. She always sat next to me at church when we were doing the Rosary in May. She was so standoffish and serious at first, but now she's just silly and when she starts laughing she can't stop.

Beatrice (10) is also very beautiful! Long eyelashes. She has a very soft baby girl voice but can run around with the boys. She can suck her nostrils closed. She and I like to make no-upper-lip faces at each other.

Alphonsus (11) is Mr. Cool Guy. He makes me laugh a lot. He is going to be one of the popular kids in high school, I'm sure. He likes to walk around like he's part of the mafia and says hello by tilting his head back, peering at you through lazy eyes, and giving you the slightest nod of his chin. Sometimes he's wearing a pirate eye patch while doing this. When Court and I freed a baby owl he had captured (or maybe Alphonsus would claim he rescued it), Alphonsus for days afterwards would greet me with, “Where's my wol?”

Rozienny (9) is called Nini and is as cute as her nickname. She is always one of the last to finish eating at mealtimes because she really savors her food. I will never forget watching her eat a fried egg on one of my first days here. She's very affectionate and is always chucking me under the chin. So cute. When she recently lost one of her front teeth, I helped her clean it and gave her an envelope to keep it in. That night at dinner, she kept pushing her chewed rice through the gap.

Arena (9) was my first friend from the hostel. She was the first kid I met on our first day. She's a skinny little thing. She was a flower girl at a wedding I went to and she was so cute! She's a great dancer in the traditional dance called Sumazou.

Jeyceycka (11) is Arena's older sister. Her name is pronounced Jessica, if you didn't catch that. According to our director, she has a very typical Dusun face. And I think her face is beautiful!! She has a really cute kind of lopsided smile. She stands and walks with a little bit of a hunch. In English class, she sometimes like to copy her friends work but I'll give her credit for being resourceful. She's best friends with Roneca.

Roneca (11) is the only daughter of 4 kids. I love when she wears her glasses because she looks like a little mom. She's very sweet. She can also be very shy, especially in English class when she doesn't want me to look at her work. But she was very good at helping me pick out my white hairs, of which I no longer have any thanks to her. She takes good care of her younger brothers.

Rommy (12) is Roneca's older brother. He is very nakal, or naughty. Courtney and I are happy when he   attends Court's English class, even though he is supposed to be in mine, because at least he is participating in something! It's not uncommon for him to run into my classroom, wreak a little havoc, and then run out. He's also Mr. Cool Guy with a nice little strut and a cheeky smile. He'll get some nice attention later for his dimples.

Ronald (7) is the younger brother of Rommy and Roneca. He is definitely one of Court's faves, though we know we're not supposed to choose favorites. He is so cute and skinny. He is a great singer. He also has a very expressive face – whether he's singing or eating or playing, he always has an awesome expression that makes him seem like he's fully invested in whatever he's doing at that moment.

Ellieca (9) is a little lady. Whenever she's walking, she has a kind of dignified air about her. And she looks deceptively quiet and serious. But then next thing you know, she's in your face with her eyes really wide open and her ponytail everywhere. She is hilarious. I loved watched her jump rope one time because her arms were flailing everywhere like her life depended on it.

Calvonny (8) is a character to study. He also seemed very standoffish to me at first and almost sullen, but now I just see him as this wacky unique kid. Whenever he eats he gets rice all over his face, almost as if he particularly places each one, which I actually wouldn't put past him. One time I watched him continuously talk to himself under his breath while bouncing up and down in his seat and periodically getting up, leaving, and sitting down again. He makes me laugh. And he likes to read!

Joell (8) is one of those kids that I think will look exactly the same when he's an old man. Not that he looks old now, but I feel I can see his future self in him now. He hasn't really grown into his long legs yet and walks a bit like a duck. He also has a little bit of a hunch. Every Wednesday when I'm cooking lunch, he comes into the kitchen, points at the fish I am frying and says, “This is for me.” He has beautiful wide set eyes.

Linney (9) can seem very dainty to me, in the way she purses her lips sometimes. She has a babyface and I always assumed she was just super sweet. But after I learned of Dion's crush on her and after he told me that he likes her because she doesn't care what anyone thinks, I began to observe her more closely and noticed her sassy streak. She does have an expression, an arms-crossed-chin-turned-away-humph look, that totally says, “Whatever!”

Dion (11) is our fellow volunteer Bella's younger brother. I think Dion is going to be very handsome when he is older. I think he's a beautiful kid. I like speaking to him in English because he always speaks confidently while at the same time making mistakes. He's not embarrassed to try and say, “Eh! Silap!” which means “wrong”. He is always pointing at his work in English class and practically shouting things like, “This is a car! This is a howsh!” He has a goofy side which I love.

Olever (8) is the younger brother of Alleyno and Shirneyla. Olever is super cute. He is very good natured, just like his older siblings. He injured his elbow while wrestling with the other boys and it swelled up to the size of a tennis ball. It seems to have healed though he still can't straighten that arm. He's back to arm wrestling though, no problemo.

Shirneyla (10) is a sweet girl. She has a smiley face, also like her two brothers. She has a kind of raspy voice. Looking at her, I'd assume she's on the quieter side, but when she sings during prayer or reads, she does so with a loud strong voice.

Alleyno (12), pronounced Ah-leh-no, already looks a lot like his dad. There's something mature about him. His height helps. He's a really good kid and I appreciate him more and more as I get to know him more. I think he really enjoys English class and is one of the few boys who really pays attention and puts effort into his work.

Joverenternius (8), whom we call Toyo, is a little man. He's got a stocky build and walks around like a little rugby player. He's got beautiful dimples and every time I see him I can't get over how cute he is. He's one of the younger kids, but he's also one of the more well-behaved kids. I feel like everything he does, whether washing his clothes or playing football or reading a book, is done with a kind of gravity. He's also very intelligent.

Jeron (11) is also another very intelligent one. He's one of those brilliant misunderstood troubled types. He can be extremely difficult to interact with because he can be very aggressive and mean. We've all gotten used to Jeron throwing a hissy fit and yelling that he's going to kill someone, while all the kids clear out of his way. He can be unpredictable. But when he's in a good mood, though he's still not exactly the kind of kid you can cuddle with, he's very engaging and funny. He would make a great actor (or con man, depending on which path he travels). When he's not using his scary monster voice to seriously threaten others, he uses it while simultaneously laughing at himself, acknowledging that he's just being a great big diva. He really makes me laugh. He has the best English out of all the kids.

Glory (12) was new to the hostel and school this year. She started out as an outcast, someone the boys really loved to pick on. But she's come into her own. At first I would get irritated by her adolescent boy craziness (you know how girls like to nag/tease boys in order to get attention), but now I'm just really proud of her. She recently had a leading role in a skit the kids put on for the community and I was so impressed with her confident performance. She was even speaking in Dusun, which she just started to learn after coming here to Pukak! She always waits for me after English class now and helps me put the chairs up and pick up trash.

Endrayson (10) is our coworker Henritta's younger brother. He has very light brown hair. He reminds me of a cute turtle, maybe a little ninja turtle. He still has a babyface which disguises a mischievous side. One time when I visited his village and stayed at his house, he repeatedly cheated at Uno. He often likes to come up to you and tilt his head to one side and impassively stare at you. I just mimic him. He and I make funny or grotesque faces at each other while eating.

Aloysius (8) likes tofu, though really he just likes to eat. He is like a toothpick with a head, but he sure can put food away. I always crack up when I see him put his fish or watermelon in his cup, though a lot of the children do that. With his thick eyebrows, he has what I think Charlotte Bronte or Jane Austen would call a brooding countenance, but when he smiles his whole face lights up. He has the cutest dimples.

Webster (9) is another cute one. He just kills me with his smile. He has the best widest smile I know. It's like his whole being is smiling at you when he smiles. He's very playful too. And good-natured. Our director says that one time when she was making the 2-hour walk back to the kids' village, Webster patiently waited for the slow adults and even gave back massages! So cute.

Tonny (12) is another Mr. Cool Guy, in a suave kind of way. He's a man of few words. It might be because his voice is changing which is super cute, but I also think it's just his personality. Dora, the hostel director, says that Tonny is very mature about his emotions and even when he gets angry he doesn't lash out – he walks away and cools down. He has a sweet quiet smile. He can be a little unproductive in English class but I like him so much I let him get away with slacking off more than I should.

Deanny (7) is Tonny's younger brother and gets the prize for being the cutest cuddliest kid. He has the roundest cheeks and something in me just squeals in delight when I see him. He has a toothless smile right now which is so cute. One time he threw up after eating lunch too fast but I cleaned up his vomit cheerily because I would probably do anything for the kid. I've had a couple dreams where he's injured or almost dead and I have to save him. He's usually running around screaming with the other kids, but he also really likes to sit quietly and read. He has this serious expression that has become familiar and Court is worried about his worry lines on his forehead.

Celestinah (10) is probably the quirkiest of the girls. She has a sleek bob that I'm always really jealous of. She plays with the other kids just fine, but she also likes to play alone in her own little world. Her name is fitting for her sometimes otherworldly character. She has a distinct gait, kind of like she's plodding along, shoulders forward, flat footed, steadily, until the day she can stop. She loves gestures of affection. She, along with Junily, also always held my hand and sat with me during the weekly Rosary in May. Celestinah is also very intelligent. She can be very picky with her food.

Alex (12) is Celestinah's older brother and I think he's going to grow up to be handsome in the way that boy band members are handsome. He has that boy-next-door kind of look. He has a smiley face. He has good English. I always enjoy seeing him on early Monday mornings at the hostel – he always looks fresh and happy even though he woke up at the crack of dawn and walked an hour through the mist and jungle hills.

Vanessa (11) is our coworker Valentina's younger sister. Vanessa has skinny long legs she hasn't grown into yet. She has that beautiful awkwardness of adolescent girls. She has really good English and is very meticulous with her schoolwork. I enjoy helping her in English and in math. She speaks very precisely which is really cute. She always emphasizes the end of her sentences and lights up as if she's so proud and happy to be speaking to you, especially in English.

Andrew (11) would probably be voted class clown. He's goofy and hilarious. He has really good comedic timing. Even though he's usually speaking in Malay or Dusun, I can see that in his tone of voice and body language. The other day he left English tutoring for a second, came back to my table very calmly and quietly, and when I asked him why he left, he responded unintelligibly through a mouth thick with chocolate cookies, completely straight faced. Another time I asked him who he walked from his village with and he said, completely aloof, “Hantu kiap kiap.” Later when I asked Dora what that meant, she burst out laughing and said it's a kind of Thai ghost. He cracks me up. I know he's going to be a kid who is popular because he's funny and good-looking.

Eljoe (8) is last because if I had to choose favorites it would be him hands down. First of all, he's left handed like me. It also helps that he's taken as big a fascination with me as I have of him. He often likes to push the other kids out of the way so that he can sit right next to me. He's also very naughty and his nose is always running and his face always sweaty. He's a skinny little thing but he walks around like he's a big shot. He has a face that scrunches up, in a miniature version of his older brother Andrew's. At the beginning of the year, he didn't know the alphabet, but now with the help of Dora's careful dedication, he knows the alphabet and can read a little bit. Court and I suspect he might have a learning disability of some sort. But he's very creative and artistic and whenever I ask the kids to draw, he always draws to the sound of his own drum – many of the kids hesitate saying they're not clever enough or end up copying each other. But when Eljoe sits down with paper and markers, he's in his own world immediately and he doesn't follow anyone.

I love these kids so much. I'm very sad to be leaving them in less than a month now. They are each a masterpiece with their strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, highs and lows. I always say that I don't want them to grow up and become adults and lose their child's innocence and playfulness, but I think what I really mean is that I don't want to miss out on witnessing their growth and transformation. I'm so grateful for the time I've gotten to spend with them. To know of their beautiful existence in this world!

Light.

These pictures are all out of order and are from the last 6 months. But it doesn't really matter because they make me smile and I think represent some of the best stuff Courtney and I have gotten to experience here in Malaysia. 

Students from my Year 6 after-school English class!! On this day I had them build model houses. Some of them made crowns as well, as you can see. Top row: Amirul, John, Brandon. Bottom row: Ashley, Glory, Berlin, Rendy, Joe Garry, Alex, Marcellus. In background: Ferrah and Nadhirah.

Courtney and me are part of the school staff :) Here we are in traditional Kadazan Dusun dress for the school's Harvest Festival celebration. The kids sang and danced and played the gongs and had a fashion show! We sang and danced a little too.

 These are some of the girls Courtney and I lived with when we first came to Sabah. I was so happy to see them at this Earth Day celebration!

 Auntie Dorothy, our lovely host mom, with her new baby grandson Welty. So precious!!! So perfect. Both of them.

And of course some silly kids from the hostel. Ronald, Junily, Deanny (pronounced Danny), and Dion. They're the best.

Sending you all light and love from Sabah!

Message

Mother Teresa said, "If you want a love message to be heard, you've got to put it out into the world."

That might not be word for word, but that's how I always remember it.

So here's my love message:

Andrew, I miss you. I think about you every day. Most of my questions have existential underpinnings :) but sometimes they're really mundane questions too. Like, has Andrew watched The Avengers? Or Breaking Dawn Part I? Or Snow White and The Huntsmen? I miss watching movies with you.

I wish I could know that I was going home this August to go to Abbot Kinney with you. And have bonfires and go camping. And have beers together. One day.

I hope you know that I will never stop wanting you to come back. I myself still don't really have a home, in the sense that I am once again moving  to a new place come September, but I do know I have a little brother who loves me. I hope you know and can feel how much I love you.

B and B

BERSIH 3.0

Me, Anne, new Bersih friends, Elton in front, and Carrey on right end. 

Sea of yellow!

Last weekend on April 28, I came into the city (Court decided to stay in our lovely village to hang out) for a political rally called Bersih. Bersih is a huge campaign by the people asking the government to clean the system. 'Bersih' is the Malay word for 'clean.' The campaign has 8 "demands" including free access to the media as well as a clean and clear elections process. It's a huge and important movement here in Malaysia and I am really grateful to be able to witness it (if you want a better overview of Bersih and its history in Malaysia click here - I'm not knowledgeable or competent enough to speak to it).

So my Saturday started with making the 2 hour journey into the city, which included being stopped twice by police. Bersih's color is yellow so we were all asked to wear yellow, or green for the Green Earth movement. I have a yellow Bersih tshirt that I bought but I was told not to wear it, because it invites the police to question you. I'd rather not get deported before my time here is finished so I just use it as a pillow case for now. So I was just wearing a plain yellow top, though I made sure to put my yellow Bersih pin on my backpack. The second time we were stopped by the police, I got paranoid and so I made sure to cover my pin with my hand! But as I was the only one wearing yellow on the bus, we were waved through no problem. Later I found out that the police were indeed stopping people on their way to the rally - that's how taboo the movement is treated.

After spending some time in an internet cafe, I received a text from friends Carrey and Elton asking me where I was. They picked me up and I walked over to the start of the rally with them. It was SO cool to see all these Sabahans in their yellow Bersih tshirts, coming together to make their voices heard. I felt especially cool because some of our friends were part of the organizing committee of Bersih Sabah! So we saw Anne and June  and Sabrina and co. running around with walkie talkies, literally moving the crowds of people. I felt really proud of them.

The atmosphere was interesting to me. There were a lot of young people which was really cool. Andrew, another friend here and local rap artist, whose performance name is Atama, was the one who led the crowd on the march from the meeting place to the "Padang Merdeka" or "Independence Field" where we were all gathering. There were a bunch of guys with dreads and instruments doing some cool songs and chants and creating good energy. Reminding me a little of the SOA rally. So the atmosphere was a little festive. Very peaceful I thought. It also seemed to me that a lot of people were kind of just checking it out, almost cautiously. Especially because this was only the second Bersih rally in Sabah and also because the Bersih rally in Kuala Lumpur is huge and has gotten aggressive even violent reactions from the police (my boss here in Sabah was in KL this year and was tear gassed unnecessarily!).

I am really proud to say that I know the organizers of the Bersih Sabah rally and I am really proud of the work they do! It was really cool to hang out with them after (I crashed with them) and hear their take on how the day went. Of course I missed a ton of different things. Which made me all the more grateful to know them. It's funny to think that I have never followed politics in the States, but I eat up anything I can learn here about Malaysia's political system. Perhaps because they are still struggling to figure out what the Malaysian political identity is, that uncertainty resonates with me. I think my mom would also say I'm more interested in politics now because I'm growing up, which is probably also very true! Whatever the reason, I was very inspired by my friends' leadership and involvement. Their dedication to making a change, to engaging youth, to keep pushing forward - inspires me.

Of course, after the long day was over, we went to McDonald's, sang a little karaoke, and then watched 2 movies including The Avengers which I loved :)

BORNEO INTERNATIONAL MARATHON

Was today!! Courtney is a runner and has done tons of races back home, including a full marathon on a torn ACL! She's crazy amazing, yes. So as soon as she heard about this race here 7 months ago, she signed us up. I agreed to train and run the race with her. At first it was just something I was excited to say that I've done. But over the last 7 months as we have trained, or rather tried to train, I became more and more excited for the race itself. And then Court's good friend Andy, who is also a runner and has a quite a few marathons under his belt, decided to join us and visit Court (he also has a goal to run a marathon on every continent, so check! - Asia).

Courtney and I have trained for this race in lots of different and random places. Along the rice paddies and amidst the buffalo in our  first placement. Court regularly ran through another little village where she was a local celebrity amongst the paparazzi-like kiddos. I obtained a 7-day pass at a really nice gym when we were living in the city and overdid it on the treadmill. After 2 days I got really sick and couldn't go anymore. In case you're interested, I've realized that I really do like to run, but I much prefer running on a treadmill in the gym. If I'm outside, I'd much rather walk, even in a seemingly boring residential neighborhood, if only to look at everything around me. Anyway, in the last 5 months that we've been in our current village, we have trained when the weather permits. For me, the weather really limited me because A. I don't like running in the sun and B. I don't like waking up earlier than I need to. Therefore, I could usually only run after 5pm. Unfortunately, it usually rains in the afternoon at some point. So I really was at the mercy of the elements. But I never cursed the rain for disallowing me to run :) My training, therefore, consisted of yoga and random runs when I could.

At first we ran around the local soccer field which was good. But then games became more frequent and it would also get flooded. Then we were introduced to a really nice grass road running along the river, amidst the buffalo. So that was nice. But then I realized the grass and unevenness of the road was more stressful than I liked, so then I just took to running up and down a short paved road. Or when it was raining and I really felt like I needed to run, I would run in circles around the buildings at the Good Shepherd training center where we work some of the week. The staff there was pretty amused by that. I actually really enjoyed the repetitiveness of this kind of training because it reminded me of a treadmill! Anyway, I only trained up to 1 hour of running - and I don't even know how far of a distance that was.

I was nervous about my endurance today but I'm happy to say that everything turned out fine! First of all to set this up, because of the heat and humidity, our race started at 5am and Andy's full started at 3am!! Which meant that he was out the hotel door by 1am and we were out the door by 3am. Which also meant that I slept no more that 3 hours before. But it was all good! I was super pumped.

I'm very familiar with the race day atmosphere, seeing as my dad is a triathlete machine (he did a FULL IRONMAN today!!!!). I have always really enjoyed going with my dad to his races and experiencing the culture and excitement of that world. So it was really fun for me today to be on the other side! I was so stoked to get my own bib with my name on it!!

It was funny to start in such darkness, but it was REALLY awesome running with the full moon. It was equally awesome to watch the sunrise halfway through our run. I had decided a couple weeks before to run for my best friend Ana's brother Adrian, who passed away because of brain cancer 4 years ago. It felt really right to run for him, more especially when I read Ana's most recent blog. I really felt like I was running with him. When I wasn't chatting with Court or new friends along the way, or rehydrating, or just basking in the fact that I was running a half marathon!, I would think about Adrian and every time, I would get this energizing tingly feeling all over. It was similar to what I sometimes feel when I meditate which I thought was really cool. But I really felt that he was cheering me on.

I've felt this for a while about running, especially last year when I would run to destress, but I really understand now why running can be so therapeutic. Really awesome values come out of it. Perseverance, strength, courage. And also values like smiling at people and encouraging each other on. Courtney was cute and really cheered for all the runners we passed. I was being a little more stingy with my clapping and whoops, though I did pitch in once in a while. But I did make it a point, especially during the second half, to smile at everyone I passed. And it was amazing to get genuine smiles back! That so simple action energized me just as much as the 6 strawberry shot blocks I downed halfway! (I love those things, I pop them like candy.)

During the last 6k, my right knee started to throb badly which persuaded me to walk for about 15 minutes. I also walked at all the water stations which probably added up to about 5 minutes of walking. But I have no regrets! I'm really proud of my performance and would totally sign up for more races! I finished in about 2 hours and 35 minutes. Court of course is amazing and finished about 15 minutes before me. Andy is a warrior and finished in about 5 hours and 30 minutes, jet lag and humidity and all. Right now as I sit here in this internet cafe before I get on the bus back to Pukak, my legs are really sore and I know I will probably have to use Salonpas tonight. But I'm pretty high on life!

I love Sabah. I love Sabahans!