Hair.

When I first heard Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" album, I immediately latched on to her song "Hair". Nowadays, I'd be quicker to say that "You and I" or "The Edge of Glory" are my favorites. But it's so funny to me that I instantly absolutely loved "Hair", without registering what the title of the song represents, much less the lyrics.

For those of you who don't know (tsk tsk), in this particular song, Lady Gaga belts, "I just wanna be free, I just wanna be me" along with "I am my hair, FREE AS MY HAIR".

So as soon as I had my duh moment, as in duh you just drastically cut your hair Lara, I knew I would write a blog entry dedicated to the spirit of "Hair". I didn't know it would take me almost 5 months to write it.

Let's start with the obvious connection: my hair and all its glories. When I was a little girl, my mother generally kept my hair short. I think my favorite was in fourth grade when I had a mom cut. You know, kind of poufy on top and short all around. For a time in high school, I straightened my hair everyday and kept it in choppy layers. My hair was the longest it's ever been during freshman year of college. I straightened it so much it became pretty dry and lifeless.

Sophomore year at LMU, the Paul Mitchell beauty school came to give $5 haircuts. I decided to go for it and chopped off pigtails long enough to donate. The resulting bob was chin length and probably one of the best cuts I've ever gotten - so flattering. I have to make a confession here, I had gotten into the habit of saying that I've donated my hair three times, but I think I've only donated twice. I say I think, because I had every intention of mailing those first pigtails in, but I think they sat in my desk drawer for the better part of the year and then I had to throw them out. Sometimes I remember mailing them, but I think that's a false memory my guilty conscience created.

I really did donate, however, in my senior year at LMU. My beloved Marians chopped off the pigtails and sent them in to Locks of Love. And then again from NYC this year, when I mailed my pigtails in to Pantene.

So we come to NY, for my amazing first GSV year. When I was in high school, I remember very clearly when my classmate and friend Jennifer chopped off her hair into a very short cut. I admired her a lot. It was something I would joke about and really envision when my thick hair got on my nerves - "I wish I could just chop it off! Or go bald!" But I never followed through.

Because living in NYC as a GSV completely turned my world upside down, because I became myself every day over and over, because I began (key word, began) to ask many questions about many different things, I was itching for a change in my physical appearance that would manifest the inner intangible.

I can say and see all that quite clearly now, but back in the beginning of this year when I first started to think about cutting my hair, I just thought, I'm in NYC, no one cares what I do, might as well keep the ball rolling, this is the perfect place to finally experiment with short hair. So I did.

After that first initial cut with my dear community member Madeline, I've had my hair cut maybe 4 or 5 times, including a stint involving my whole community (with Annie in spirit) and a pair of scissors on our balcony. I've loved this short hair. I've loved being called a little Asian boy by my roommates. I've loved gelling it into a faux-hawk. I've loved shampooing it for one second as opposed to the ten minutes a full head would entail.

When I decided to do the GSV Malaysia year, I decided not to get a pixie cut (or perhaps Malaysia was just an excuse) because I didn't want to be conspicuous. Well, that turned out to be a rather silly thought because there are women here who have short hair. Duh. But surprisingly to me, after moving here to Malaysia I am quite ready for long hair again.

Maybe because most of the teenage girls I live and work with right now have long and beautiful hair. And it makes me remember what my hair is like when long. Granted it is much more thick and wavy than any of theirs, but it reminds me of how much I really do love my long hair.

Nevertheless, I think much more than being surrounded by tons of beautiful Asian hair (and it's everywhere, in the showers, on the floor), the reason I want to let my hair grow out again is more to do with my spirit/spirituality/identity.

NYC was about asking all the right questions. I think Malaysia is already about becoming confident in those questions. The questions are still there. And may always remain. But I can still be sure of myself within that.

I also see it in terms of my GSV community members, with whom I continue to be obsessed. They taught me so much about themselves, about myself, about life, about love. This year, I have already so many times thought, what would MAJAKEL do? But then also, what would I myself do in the context of MAJAKEL? And that continually makes me a better me, more of me.

With Courtney (who also cut her hair around the same time as me because she was restless and needed a change - coincidence, I think not), this year is going to be one of becoming ourselves. Not because we have been lacking, or not ourselves, but because it's like hair. We grow. And then cut a little bit. And continue growing.

Cutting my hair short was a rebellion of sorts. It was me saying, I wanna be free, I wanna be me. And I now know, with short hair or with long hair, I am me. And it's all good.

On the daily.

I'm going to get right to it today - this post is all about what Courtney and my weekday schedule looks like. We usually work the 5am-2pm or 2pm-10pm shift. If she's on at 5am, I'm usually on at 2pm, and vice versa.

The girls go to school in two shifts because the school that the majority of them attend isn't big enough for all of them. So there is a morning session and afternoon session. The morning session leaves at about 6:15am and comes back around 1:30pm. The afternoon session leaves around 11:15am and comes back around 5:30pm.

5am: The girls wake up. Yes, it's still dark at that hour. Yes, I don't know how these teenagers do it. Those who are scheduled to make breakfast go to the kitchen and whip something up for everyone. I usually stumble out of bed at 4:30am (because I need to open the office by 5am), eyes glued shut, and find my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face with at least one or two other sleepy girls.

5:30am: Morning prayer. Usually a Bible reading and Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be.

5:50am: Breakfast. My favorite that the girls make is fried noodles. Yumm. Though I've lately been waking up craving oatmeal. The Sisters gave Courtney and I a huge pack. They call it Quaker Oat, but it sounds like "Co-ay-kaout." And even though I love good coffee, I have a fondness for the instant Nescafe we drink here.

6:15am: Morning session students leave. Afternoon session students hang out. Turn on the radio, read, play guitar.

7am: Afternoon girls do chores, which they call "charges." Each month they are all in charge of something. Washing the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, sweeping and mopping, burning the rubbish pile. They compost what can be composted, recycle bottles and cans, and burn the rest.

8am: Study and homework time starts.

8:45am: Courtney and I do 45-min English lessons with the Form 2 (14-year-old) girls Tuesday through Thursday. They call it "tuition." These haven't been regular, however, because they are at the end of the school year which means lots of exams and irregular breaks. I'll have another post later talking about tuition because they've been a lot of fun.

9:30am: Girls in charge of making lunch go to the kitchen. Sometimes I supervise/help. But on the three days a week that Juriah, a part-time staff from the church community whom the girls call Aunty Juriah, is here, I am happy to not be in the kitchen. She's an awesome cook.

10:15am: Girls shower and get ready for school.

11am: Girls eat lunch.

11:15am: Girls leave for school. Peace and quiet for us staff, for an hour or so!! :) And lunch.

1:30pm: Morning session students start to trickle back from school, eat lunch, relax.

3pm: Study/homework time for morning session girls.

3:45pm: Courtney and I do tuition for the Form 5 (17-year-old seniors) girls.

4:30pm: Charges. The morning schoolgirls repeat what the afternoon schoolgirls did. It makes a huge difference! Girls who are scheduled to cook dinner head to the kitchen.

5:30pm: Afternoon girls start to trickle back and take showers, relax.

6:30pm: Evening prayer. Consists of an opening song, Gospel reading in both English and Malay, prayers, and a closing song. Of course I love the songs, which sometimes involve hand motions and dancing. Sometimes they sing in English, sometimes in Malay. After prayer are announcements.

7pm: Dinner. The girls gobble down their dinner and some of them are usually done before staff has even started. I suppose it makes sense though, with twenty girls. After dinner, they like to hang out, play guitar, sing, play board games.

8pm: Study/homework time for everyone. Courtney and I do English tuition with Form 1 (13-year-old freshmen) girls. I have to admit, this is my favorite group. They make me laugh, a lot. All such characters :)

8:45pm: Courtney and I do English tuition with the Form 3 and 4 girls. If we are not doing English tuition, Courtney and I help the girls with their homework if we can. The older students like to give us math problems from their exams, which are like the SATs. Then Courtney and I ask for their books and try to teach ourselves trigonometry or geometry or calculus. Fun stuff. Maybe half the time we are successful and jubilant. The other half, baffled and forced to say, "I don't know, ask your teacher."

10pm: Bed time! Girls go up to their rooms, we close the office, shut down the hostel.

It's a pretty structured day and I have had to get used to it. More than I like to admit to myself. At first I thought, okay I'm here for the girls, this is what my volunteer year is about. Most of the time, we (Courtney and I) take every meal with the girls. We both do every tuition session, even if we are not on duty. Our schedule is their schedule and we are both happy to make that our priority. But, I have had to be very self-aware. When I am not on duty, I try to do yoga in our room, read, take alone time. In the beginning, I wanted to hang out with them as much as possible. Even if I wasn't on duty. So I've learned to skip evening prayer if I have to. Stay in my room even if the sounds of the guitar are calling me from downstairs.

Of course though, every moment spent with the girls is life-giving. Even if I am feeling tired or overwhelmed or whatever emotion you can think of, hanging out with the girls, even if it's playing a board game or exchanging English for Malay words or watching the sunset, is always energizing and always so much fun. They often say that they miss home or their parents, but they have made this funny hostel my home.

Little house in the jungle.

I continue to feel like I live in the world of Little House on the Prairie: Malaysia. Everyday there are chores to be done, food to be cooked, sun to be enjoyed. Life is full of simple joys.

This is the hostel I live in! It's cute right? I didn't think so when Courtney and I first arrived, but I have really come to love it. If you look closely, you will see Shenny in the gazebo playing guitar. To me, this picture is the epitome of peace. That's saying a lot, since this hostel houses 20 teenage girls!

This is Courtney's and my little room. Her bed is on the left, mine on the right. Note the mosquito net over the window by my bed. We're missing a screen. I'm obsessed with the quilts we were given. I think they make our room really homey. We sleep, stretch, do yoga, everything in here. I know I'm going to miss our little room when we leave. But I will say, I've been having a really hard time sleeping. I think I'm still adjusting. More on that later, possibly along with the post dedicated to insects.

Last weekend, all the girls and staff went on a field trip to Beaufort, which is another part of Sabah. We went to a monkey conservatory!! Probiscus monkeys to be exact. Google them, they're pretty funny looking...Our journey consisted of a 45 minute drive to Kota Kinabalu (the capital city of Sabah), lunch break at the Sister's convent there, a 3 hour charter bus ride to Beaufort, and then a 10 minute boat ride to the welcome center of the conservatory. Courtney and I didn't know we had to take a boat, so when we got there by 5pm, I couldn't stop laughing! We had no idea why we were arriving so late or what was in store!

Life jackets! So here, we were finally on the tour in search of probiscus monkeys. It was literally like the real life version of the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland. Sounds, sights, smells, everything. Oh except that it was raining for much of it! But of course, none of the girls complained (or not that I knew of). We all had so much fun looking at the monkeys who came out after the rain stopped. After this leg of the tour, we went back to the welcome center for dinner. Another Disneyland comparison, the center was totally Pirates of the Caribbean. But it was all so much better obviously. I think I kept thinking about Disneyland because it was all rather surreal. The absolute best part of the trip though was on the boat ride back to our bus - we passed by thousands of fireflies in the mango trees. I wish I had a picture to show you (again, Pirates of the Caribbean). But it was pitch black by that time and the fireflies LIT UP those trees like they were Christmas lights. In some trees they blinked together. In other trees, they alternated and the guide said that none of it was coincidence. So so magical. Courtney and I were on a high after and we had to end the trip by stuffing ourselves with chocolate on the bus ride back.

Yesterday, Courtney, myself, and three of the girls walked with Bernadeth to her school. Since they are in final exam time right now, only she had to go to school yesterday. It took us 40 minutes (on a paved road, but pretty much through the rainforest) to get there. On the way back, we took another road past lots of rice paddies. That is Mount Kinabalu in the distance. It is the highest peak in Southeast Asia. Courtney and I plan to climb it, which you can do in two days. It's visible from the hostel, but yesterday was the first time I really noticed it. And I'm obsessed with it!

This weekend, Courtney, myself, and Pat (another staff here at the hostel, in the white polo shirt next to Courtney in the boat picture) are doing a visit at Jiana's home. Looking forward to it!

I'm grateful for this blog, because as I sit here rather sweaty, with skin itchy from mosquito bites and redness from not sleeping well, I am reminded that I am in a fantastically beautiful place with fantastically beautiful people.

Sending you all much love and peace and happiness!