Mind, body, soul.

On May 14, I went to visit my great aunt, Sr. Ann Teresa, in Ossining, which is about 45 minutes on the train north of NYC. She is a retired Maryknoll nun; I'll probably be mentioning nuns quite frequently in this blog :) We had a really nice visit - lunch, tour of the huge convent, visit to the nursing home. In the nursing home, Sr. Ann Teresa introduced me to 2 nuns with Alzheimer's. They were sweetly petting a fluffy white bunny named Sugar. Too cute. Over the course of my 5 minute conversation with Yae, who is also originally from LA, she asked me repeatedly where I was from, what I was doing in NY, how long I was going to stay. As we were about to say goodbye, Yae, in what seemed a moment of clarity, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Take care of your own health and you'll be okay." Then, after saying goodbye, as Sr. Ann Teresa and I walked away down the hall, I heard Yae saying to her companion, "A young lady like that just needs good friends..."

I've thought a lot about that short conversation. March, April, and May were rather difficult for me emotionally. Didn't help that it rained through most of it (I've been thinking a lot about the weather/seasons and how it has really affected this LA girl). When I studied abroad in London, they had their coldest winter in 20 years. It actually snowed. It almost never snows in London. So, I wasn't surprised that now I'm in NYC, we had week after week of gray skies. No such thing as April showers bring May flowers this year. It was April showers bring more May showers. I'm realizing that in general, I talk about weather so much because it really has provided good metaphors for my inner state.

Anyway, after going through a depressed couple of months, I had a panic attack at work and then experienced continued psychosomatic symptoms after that panic attack. It was a wake up call. I knew I needed to more actively self care. I needed to find balance.

Perfectly, GSV had a weekend silent retreat scheduled about a week after I had that episode at work. I had preconceived notions of serious solitude and serious reflection. Not true. Yes, there was a lot of much needed solo prayer and meditation, but I also laughed a lot with my fellow GSVs. Sure, I could have refrained more from laughing at the dinner table, but I'm really not sorry at all. I really needed that laughter too.

Now, as May ends and June begins, I feel more stable. Even though it's hot out and the air is heavy, I've been running regularly. I might not feel the same way in a couple weeks when my face is melting off, but right now, I really love how my bones feel in the heat. With each step, as I walk NYC's pavements, I can really feel the weight of my body, which connects me to this beautiful world of ours. I'm also trying to revamp my diet so that it's not so sugar heavy - not an easy task for this sweet tooth. But definitely easier in the heat, since I'm less prone to craving heavy desserts. Note: less prone. Still, summer calls for more veggies and fruits. I'm trying to get more sleep.

Taking care of my body has definitely helped calm down the physical symptoms of my anxiety. But as the silent retreat reminded me, peace is also about joy and laughter. And I think that's why Yae's words struck me so much. Health and friends - both are so important in finding balance!

In honor of friends, here's 5 of my lovely roommates and me goofing off at our slumber party last week. We pulled our mattresses into our living room. They give me so much happiness! Directions for this pic: make a serious face. Who are we trying to kid?

Begin anywhere.

"Dive into life, embrace the unknown, dare to live." - etching on one of my favorite bookmarks. It has become one of my personal mantras.

And so. I dive right into this blog again. I'm not going to go into a huge update of where I'm at right now; I'd rather my life unfold through the "pages" of this blog. I title this entry "Begin anywhere" (John Cage) because it was on one of those quote cards that I gave to my roommate Alaina earlier in the year and it really resonates with me. I have been constantly beginning everywhere this year. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically.

In celebration of life and the spirit of beginnings, I'd like to share more words that have spoken to me. These are from Eileen Myles' novel memoir "Inferno." She is a poet and so talks about writing poetry. Replace her "poems" with "Lara's blog" and I've got a good explanation for why I'm reactivating this pursuit.

"Absolutely all events and moments are, if not spun into writing, are charged wildly anyhow, set free to sail along strands of teeny infinitesimal jangling power lines."

"What I started to understand was that the poem was made out of time - past, present, and future. It lives in the present, it breathes there and that's how you let anyone in. I think people can feel this accessing of time in poetry very readily. As soon as the poem ceases to be about anything, when it even stops saving things, stops being such a damn collector, it becomes an invite to the only refuge which is the impossible moment of being alive."

"Poetry is just the performance of it. These little things, whether I write them or not. That's the score. The thing of great value is you. Where you are glowing and fading, while you live."