And I'm back.

I’m in Thailand. At the Bangkok airport, Suvarnabhumi International.

It’s been more than a month since I last blogged, but I don’t have the space or energy to completely fill the gap, so here’s a mini update of what happened since then: Courtney and I left Malaysia. Lots of tearful goodbyes. Lots of crazy emotions. Holidayed in Bali for four days then Hong Kong for three. Then split ways with Court and flew to LA. Lots of crazy emotions and reverse culture shock. Jetlagged for one week, but so happy to see my family. Jess arrived in LA six days later. Then two weeks hanging out with family and friends and getting ready for Thailand. Said goodbye to my family and LA friends and flew to NYC. Lots of crazy emotions. Went to GSV orientation for three days. Then out and about in New York, all over – Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Ossining, Scarsdale, Long Island.

I can’t possibly get into the details of this past month from Asia to LA to NY (that’s still mindboggling to me), but you will notice the running theme of “lots of crazy emotions.” What I will say is that the past month has been overwhelming. I was coming off of a volunteer year in Malaysia. I was being present, or trying to be present, to my family and friends. I was preparing (visa and doctor’s appointments) for Thailand. Transitioning physically and mentally, scheduling my time, trying to re-center myself. So much. At times I was extremely fatigued. Other times I was just really happy to be.

So moving on, because at this point there’s no stopping, that brings me to - left JFK Airport Saturday night at 11pm. Lots of crazy emotions. After saying goodbye to Jess and watching her sprint away to get back to her almost expired parking, I had a moment where I thought: “I’m really doing this. Thailand is real. I’m going by myself.” And immediately my mind jumped to, “Oh my God, now that Jess is gone, no one in this airport knows who I am. I am completely alone.” And my next overwhelming thought was, “I am rebuilding. Again.” And that made me feel panicky. It was overwhelming to feel that I was again leaving the comfort of my family and friends who KNOW me, to a new group of people, to a new life. My reflex then was to call Jess and ask her to come back. But at the same time I knew that was silly and unnecessary. So as I stood there in the airport surrounded by people and luggage, feeling out my rising panic, my phone rang. It was my dad. And as I said hello, I just started bawling. Which was just what I needed. All this happened in about five minutes and in hearing my dad’s voice, I felt a settling. I knew in my heart, mind, and soul that I was exactly where I was meant to be in that moment. I felt that the universe was hugging me.

I did some more crying as I made some last goodbye phone calls while waiting at the gate, but no more sense of panic. In fact, I’ve been really pleased with my state of being for the last twenty four hours (I’ve been traveling for a whole day now!). In LA and NY, I repeatedly told people that I was not nervous to be in Thailand on my own. I was more nervous, actually really nervous, to be flying alone because I’ve had some airplane anxiety the last year. But maybe telling so many people helped me really face that fear and stamp it out. Because I’ve been really chill on the flights. I’ve even slept a bit, which doesn’t happen easily! The other thing too is that Pete booked me on Emirates, which totally lived up to its fancy reputation. I’ve been flying in luxury. Good food. Good leg space. Huge (relatively speaking) bathrooms. Amazing movie and TV show selection. My first flight was one of those huge two story Airbuses. And the flight crew was so diverse, they announced that the attendants on board could speak English, Arabic, Chinese, Spanish, Swahili, French, and Thai. I felt that was just as indicative of luxury as my complimentary socks/eye mask/toothbrush travel kit.

Anyway, I arrived in Dubai after twelve hours. Dubai is money. The Dubai airport has a Pinkberry! What?? Then I waited for three hours for my next flight to Bangkok. Flew six hours to Bangkok. And I’m in Asia again! As I walked off the plane, I found myself involuntarily smiling because I was so happy to be in Asia again. It was like a coming home. The Bangkok airport looks exactly like the Hong Kong airport (who am I that I can even say that?) and is so modern and nice. No free Wifi like in the Dubai airport, but I’ll live. I love seeing Thai writing everywhere and Asian people everywhere (though I thought the flight from Dubai to Bangkok was interesting because almost everyone except for maybe two passengers were tourists from Europe). I love the flowers and elaborate temple displays in the middle of all the sleek metal. But most of all, I think I love knowing that I’m going to be here for another year, that there is an amazing community waiting to welcome me, that this is just the beginning.

So my flight for Udon Thani, which is in northeast Thailand, leaves in less than two hours. I’m going to try to sleep because I’m pretty tired at this point. The flight is about an hour and a half and then it’s a forty-five minute drive from the airport to Nongkhai. And then I’m home! No matter where I am, it’s always so exciting to come home.

Peace and love,
Lara

Pause.

I have exactly one week left in Pukak. Does that baffle you?? It baffles me. But let's not think about that. For now, here are some lessons I've learned from village life. (For Court's awesome stories, check out her blog.)

THINGS I'VE LEARNED TEACHING IN A VILLAGE SCHOOL:
1. Girls really are generally more well-behaved than boys.

2. Hold on to your answer key and watch, or else a rascally boy will steal them. But, if stolen, your things will always be returned. Except for that whiteboard marker.

3. No need for worksheets. Just have the kids copy off the board. This occupies them well and saves ink/paper.

4. Learn to ignore disturbances. Like kids not paying any attention at all in the back of the classroom. Or boys playing with caterpillars in their cocoons. Or frogs. Or baby birds. As long as one kid is doing work, your being there is not a waste of time.

5. If you have to play a game instead of doing your planned lesson, it’s quite alright because at least you are still talking to them in English.

6. Classes might be disrupted due to heavy rains which will make it very hard to hear, since the classroom is not completely enclosed (wire grills for windows).

7. If you have kids read their work out loud in order to give them public speaking practice and to boost their self-confidence, the other kids probably won’t listen.

8. It’s better for the kids to work together in groups because their English skill levels will vary widely.

9. If some of your kids are absent from your class, don’t worry because they probably decided to go to Courtney’s class instead. Probably to play bingo or get candy. On the same note, don’t worry if kids randomly decide to leave the classroom. They’ll come back eventually.

10. Things will get better. In the beginning, you might end each class feeling exhausted, frustrated, defeated. By the end, you will be chilled out, amused, and will enjoy the kids immensely, as crazy as they are. Sure Brandon and co. are running amuck, but at least he is singing “You are my aiskrim” (ice cream) at the top of his lungs to the tune of Backstreet Boys.

THINGS I USED TO TAKE FOR GRANTED, BUT NOW MAKE MY WORLD LIGHT UP:
1. Hooks in bathrooms – public, hostel, home, or otherwise. Useful for purses, towels, clothes, loofahs. Court and I haven’t lived anywhere here with a counter in the bathrooms. So hooks are necessary.

2. Toilet paper in bathrooms. Public bathrooms in Malaysia don’t generally have toilet paper, though you can usually buy a tissue pack when you pay to use. In case you’re interested, the toilet of preference is the squat toilet, which I have come to appreciate! (One pro is that you don’t have to ever use toilet seat covers, which saves resources. Also, squatting over a squat toilet is less work on the thighs than squatting over a toilet bowl, which I sometimes do anyway in public restrooms. I could go on and on but then this would turn into a blog about toilets.)

3. Electricity. No electricity means that fans go out and heat and bugs come in. There have been a couple weeks here in the village, where the electricity, like clockwork, will go out in the evening. Usually it comes back on within a couple minutes, but sometimes it will go out the entire night. Keeps us on our toes. 

4. Brand-spanking new mops and brooms. And mop buckets! Without a proper mop bucket, you have to wring out the mop with your hands which takes more energy.

5. Washing machines. In our first placement here in Sabah, Court and I did laundry by hand exclusively. In our second placement, we started out doing our laundry by hand. But since we were in the city, I ended up just taking my clothes to the local dry cleaners where they would launder, DRY, and fold my clothes for a minimal price. Now, we have a washing machine in our home! It’s awesome. We don’t have a dryer but there’s a spin dryer which really decreases time on the clothesline.

6. Rice, veggies, and egg (fried or scrambled). Such a simple meal but always delicious here. I can eat platefuls. The kids certainly do.

7. Steady phone service. Whenever Court and I go to the city, we always have to think twice about the fact that our phone has full bars wherever we are. While in the village, we have to find certain spots to get service. My fave spots are on the porch at the training center where we work. And also on the porch at our house.

8. Showers. I now shower twice a day because it really helps with sweatiness, which helps with not getting bit so badly by mosquitoes. We also have an electronic water pump and heater at our house now so it’s fabulous. At the hostel, there’s no showerhead, just a bucket. But I still really enjoy this shower, because I usually heat water on the stove which makes it the hottest bath I’ve had at any of our placements.

9. Rain. No rain means heat heat heat. Heat during the day. Heat during the night. No rain also means no beautiful rice paddies and farms, which means no source of income or food for many families.

10. Just sitting. Court and I do a lot of sitting here. Sometimes there’s nothing else better to do than just sit and stare at each other. But really, it’s more than that (and also don’t misread that – there’s never a boring moment here). It’s part of the culture here. I remember back in October, we took a field trip with the teenage girls we were living and working with, and we were waiting for our bus back home so we were just sitting at the place we were staying. The girls weren’t really doing anything. Some were looking at old newspapers, some were chatting quietly. But most were just sitting. My American brain was going a million miles a minute, I remember. I was trying to think of a game or conversation or something fun. But finally I just told myself to relax and enjoy being in their company. Even if we weren’t actively doing anything. So I did. And that’s what we do a lot here. We sit and enjoy each other’s company. Whether it’s just me and Courtney, or us and staff during tea breaks, or us and our host family at dinner. It’s good to pause like that.

The kids.

 The kids cleaning up their beautiful home. They look happy don't they? Jeron is in the black tshirt front and center.

 The kids putting on a play about Saint Mary Euphrasia's life. If you couldn't tell, the girls are wearing their school skirts on their heads because they are nuns!

 In line for some food and birthday cake! Alphonsus smiling wide there.

 Webster the monkey climbing the papaya tree.

 The girls playing jump rope using their towels. Ellieca the jumping bean.

It's been 6 months since Courtney and I moved to Pukak. Where does half a year go??? I thought it would be fun to finally introduce the kids that Court and I have been spending so much time with.

Junily (7 years old) is the youngest sister of Beatrice and Alphonsus. She reminds me of an awkward but still graceful baby deer. She has the most beautiful almond shaped yellow tinted brown eyes. She always sat next to me at church when we were doing the Rosary in May. She was so standoffish and serious at first, but now she's just silly and when she starts laughing she can't stop.

Beatrice (10) is also very beautiful! Long eyelashes. She has a very soft baby girl voice but can run around with the boys. She can suck her nostrils closed. She and I like to make no-upper-lip faces at each other.

Alphonsus (11) is Mr. Cool Guy. He makes me laugh a lot. He is going to be one of the popular kids in high school, I'm sure. He likes to walk around like he's part of the mafia and says hello by tilting his head back, peering at you through lazy eyes, and giving you the slightest nod of his chin. Sometimes he's wearing a pirate eye patch while doing this. When Court and I freed a baby owl he had captured (or maybe Alphonsus would claim he rescued it), Alphonsus for days afterwards would greet me with, “Where's my wol?”

Rozienny (9) is called Nini and is as cute as her nickname. She is always one of the last to finish eating at mealtimes because she really savors her food. I will never forget watching her eat a fried egg on one of my first days here. She's very affectionate and is always chucking me under the chin. So cute. When she recently lost one of her front teeth, I helped her clean it and gave her an envelope to keep it in. That night at dinner, she kept pushing her chewed rice through the gap.

Arena (9) was my first friend from the hostel. She was the first kid I met on our first day. She's a skinny little thing. She was a flower girl at a wedding I went to and she was so cute! She's a great dancer in the traditional dance called Sumazou.

Jeyceycka (11) is Arena's older sister. Her name is pronounced Jessica, if you didn't catch that. According to our director, she has a very typical Dusun face. And I think her face is beautiful!! She has a really cute kind of lopsided smile. She stands and walks with a little bit of a hunch. In English class, she sometimes like to copy her friends work but I'll give her credit for being resourceful. She's best friends with Roneca.

Roneca (11) is the only daughter of 4 kids. I love when she wears her glasses because she looks like a little mom. She's very sweet. She can also be very shy, especially in English class when she doesn't want me to look at her work. But she was very good at helping me pick out my white hairs, of which I no longer have any thanks to her. She takes good care of her younger brothers.

Rommy (12) is Roneca's older brother. He is very nakal, or naughty. Courtney and I are happy when he   attends Court's English class, even though he is supposed to be in mine, because at least he is participating in something! It's not uncommon for him to run into my classroom, wreak a little havoc, and then run out. He's also Mr. Cool Guy with a nice little strut and a cheeky smile. He'll get some nice attention later for his dimples.

Ronald (7) is the younger brother of Rommy and Roneca. He is definitely one of Court's faves, though we know we're not supposed to choose favorites. He is so cute and skinny. He is a great singer. He also has a very expressive face – whether he's singing or eating or playing, he always has an awesome expression that makes him seem like he's fully invested in whatever he's doing at that moment.

Ellieca (9) is a little lady. Whenever she's walking, she has a kind of dignified air about her. And she looks deceptively quiet and serious. But then next thing you know, she's in your face with her eyes really wide open and her ponytail everywhere. She is hilarious. I loved watched her jump rope one time because her arms were flailing everywhere like her life depended on it.

Calvonny (8) is a character to study. He also seemed very standoffish to me at first and almost sullen, but now I just see him as this wacky unique kid. Whenever he eats he gets rice all over his face, almost as if he particularly places each one, which I actually wouldn't put past him. One time I watched him continuously talk to himself under his breath while bouncing up and down in his seat and periodically getting up, leaving, and sitting down again. He makes me laugh. And he likes to read!

Joell (8) is one of those kids that I think will look exactly the same when he's an old man. Not that he looks old now, but I feel I can see his future self in him now. He hasn't really grown into his long legs yet and walks a bit like a duck. He also has a little bit of a hunch. Every Wednesday when I'm cooking lunch, he comes into the kitchen, points at the fish I am frying and says, “This is for me.” He has beautiful wide set eyes.

Linney (9) can seem very dainty to me, in the way she purses her lips sometimes. She has a babyface and I always assumed she was just super sweet. But after I learned of Dion's crush on her and after he told me that he likes her because she doesn't care what anyone thinks, I began to observe her more closely and noticed her sassy streak. She does have an expression, an arms-crossed-chin-turned-away-humph look, that totally says, “Whatever!”

Dion (11) is our fellow volunteer Bella's younger brother. I think Dion is going to be very handsome when he is older. I think he's a beautiful kid. I like speaking to him in English because he always speaks confidently while at the same time making mistakes. He's not embarrassed to try and say, “Eh! Silap!” which means “wrong”. He is always pointing at his work in English class and practically shouting things like, “This is a car! This is a howsh!” He has a goofy side which I love.

Olever (8) is the younger brother of Alleyno and Shirneyla. Olever is super cute. He is very good natured, just like his older siblings. He injured his elbow while wrestling with the other boys and it swelled up to the size of a tennis ball. It seems to have healed though he still can't straighten that arm. He's back to arm wrestling though, no problemo.

Shirneyla (10) is a sweet girl. She has a smiley face, also like her two brothers. She has a kind of raspy voice. Looking at her, I'd assume she's on the quieter side, but when she sings during prayer or reads, she does so with a loud strong voice.

Alleyno (12), pronounced Ah-leh-no, already looks a lot like his dad. There's something mature about him. His height helps. He's a really good kid and I appreciate him more and more as I get to know him more. I think he really enjoys English class and is one of the few boys who really pays attention and puts effort into his work.

Joverenternius (8), whom we call Toyo, is a little man. He's got a stocky build and walks around like a little rugby player. He's got beautiful dimples and every time I see him I can't get over how cute he is. He's one of the younger kids, but he's also one of the more well-behaved kids. I feel like everything he does, whether washing his clothes or playing football or reading a book, is done with a kind of gravity. He's also very intelligent.

Jeron (11) is also another very intelligent one. He's one of those brilliant misunderstood troubled types. He can be extremely difficult to interact with because he can be very aggressive and mean. We've all gotten used to Jeron throwing a hissy fit and yelling that he's going to kill someone, while all the kids clear out of his way. He can be unpredictable. But when he's in a good mood, though he's still not exactly the kind of kid you can cuddle with, he's very engaging and funny. He would make a great actor (or con man, depending on which path he travels). When he's not using his scary monster voice to seriously threaten others, he uses it while simultaneously laughing at himself, acknowledging that he's just being a great big diva. He really makes me laugh. He has the best English out of all the kids.

Glory (12) was new to the hostel and school this year. She started out as an outcast, someone the boys really loved to pick on. But she's come into her own. At first I would get irritated by her adolescent boy craziness (you know how girls like to nag/tease boys in order to get attention), but now I'm just really proud of her. She recently had a leading role in a skit the kids put on for the community and I was so impressed with her confident performance. She was even speaking in Dusun, which she just started to learn after coming here to Pukak! She always waits for me after English class now and helps me put the chairs up and pick up trash.

Endrayson (10) is our coworker Henritta's younger brother. He has very light brown hair. He reminds me of a cute turtle, maybe a little ninja turtle. He still has a babyface which disguises a mischievous side. One time when I visited his village and stayed at his house, he repeatedly cheated at Uno. He often likes to come up to you and tilt his head to one side and impassively stare at you. I just mimic him. He and I make funny or grotesque faces at each other while eating.

Aloysius (8) likes tofu, though really he just likes to eat. He is like a toothpick with a head, but he sure can put food away. I always crack up when I see him put his fish or watermelon in his cup, though a lot of the children do that. With his thick eyebrows, he has what I think Charlotte Bronte or Jane Austen would call a brooding countenance, but when he smiles his whole face lights up. He has the cutest dimples.

Webster (9) is another cute one. He just kills me with his smile. He has the best widest smile I know. It's like his whole being is smiling at you when he smiles. He's very playful too. And good-natured. Our director says that one time when she was making the 2-hour walk back to the kids' village, Webster patiently waited for the slow adults and even gave back massages! So cute.

Tonny (12) is another Mr. Cool Guy, in a suave kind of way. He's a man of few words. It might be because his voice is changing which is super cute, but I also think it's just his personality. Dora, the hostel director, says that Tonny is very mature about his emotions and even when he gets angry he doesn't lash out – he walks away and cools down. He has a sweet quiet smile. He can be a little unproductive in English class but I like him so much I let him get away with slacking off more than I should.

Deanny (7) is Tonny's younger brother and gets the prize for being the cutest cuddliest kid. He has the roundest cheeks and something in me just squeals in delight when I see him. He has a toothless smile right now which is so cute. One time he threw up after eating lunch too fast but I cleaned up his vomit cheerily because I would probably do anything for the kid. I've had a couple dreams where he's injured or almost dead and I have to save him. He's usually running around screaming with the other kids, but he also really likes to sit quietly and read. He has this serious expression that has become familiar and Court is worried about his worry lines on his forehead.

Celestinah (10) is probably the quirkiest of the girls. She has a sleek bob that I'm always really jealous of. She plays with the other kids just fine, but she also likes to play alone in her own little world. Her name is fitting for her sometimes otherworldly character. She has a distinct gait, kind of like she's plodding along, shoulders forward, flat footed, steadily, until the day she can stop. She loves gestures of affection. She, along with Junily, also always held my hand and sat with me during the weekly Rosary in May. Celestinah is also very intelligent. She can be very picky with her food.

Alex (12) is Celestinah's older brother and I think he's going to grow up to be handsome in the way that boy band members are handsome. He has that boy-next-door kind of look. He has a smiley face. He has good English. I always enjoy seeing him on early Monday mornings at the hostel – he always looks fresh and happy even though he woke up at the crack of dawn and walked an hour through the mist and jungle hills.

Vanessa (11) is our coworker Valentina's younger sister. Vanessa has skinny long legs she hasn't grown into yet. She has that beautiful awkwardness of adolescent girls. She has really good English and is very meticulous with her schoolwork. I enjoy helping her in English and in math. She speaks very precisely which is really cute. She always emphasizes the end of her sentences and lights up as if she's so proud and happy to be speaking to you, especially in English.

Andrew (11) would probably be voted class clown. He's goofy and hilarious. He has really good comedic timing. Even though he's usually speaking in Malay or Dusun, I can see that in his tone of voice and body language. The other day he left English tutoring for a second, came back to my table very calmly and quietly, and when I asked him why he left, he responded unintelligibly through a mouth thick with chocolate cookies, completely straight faced. Another time I asked him who he walked from his village with and he said, completely aloof, “Hantu kiap kiap.” Later when I asked Dora what that meant, she burst out laughing and said it's a kind of Thai ghost. He cracks me up. I know he's going to be a kid who is popular because he's funny and good-looking.

Eljoe (8) is last because if I had to choose favorites it would be him hands down. First of all, he's left handed like me. It also helps that he's taken as big a fascination with me as I have of him. He often likes to push the other kids out of the way so that he can sit right next to me. He's also very naughty and his nose is always running and his face always sweaty. He's a skinny little thing but he walks around like he's a big shot. He has a face that scrunches up, in a miniature version of his older brother Andrew's. At the beginning of the year, he didn't know the alphabet, but now with the help of Dora's careful dedication, he knows the alphabet and can read a little bit. Court and I suspect he might have a learning disability of some sort. But he's very creative and artistic and whenever I ask the kids to draw, he always draws to the sound of his own drum – many of the kids hesitate saying they're not clever enough or end up copying each other. But when Eljoe sits down with paper and markers, he's in his own world immediately and he doesn't follow anyone.

I love these kids so much. I'm very sad to be leaving them in less than a month now. They are each a masterpiece with their strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, highs and lows. I always say that I don't want them to grow up and become adults and lose their child's innocence and playfulness, but I think what I really mean is that I don't want to miss out on witnessing their growth and transformation. I'm so grateful for the time I've gotten to spend with them. To know of their beautiful existence in this world!

Light.

These pictures are all out of order and are from the last 6 months. But it doesn't really matter because they make me smile and I think represent some of the best stuff Courtney and I have gotten to experience here in Malaysia. 

Students from my Year 6 after-school English class!! On this day I had them build model houses. Some of them made crowns as well, as you can see. Top row: Amirul, John, Brandon. Bottom row: Ashley, Glory, Berlin, Rendy, Joe Garry, Alex, Marcellus. In background: Ferrah and Nadhirah.

Courtney and me are part of the school staff :) Here we are in traditional Kadazan Dusun dress for the school's Harvest Festival celebration. The kids sang and danced and played the gongs and had a fashion show! We sang and danced a little too.

 These are some of the girls Courtney and I lived with when we first came to Sabah. I was so happy to see them at this Earth Day celebration!

 Auntie Dorothy, our lovely host mom, with her new baby grandson Welty. So precious!!! So perfect. Both of them.

And of course some silly kids from the hostel. Ronald, Junily, Deanny (pronounced Danny), and Dion. They're the best.

Sending you all light and love from Sabah!

Message

Mother Teresa said, "If you want a love message to be heard, you've got to put it out into the world."

That might not be word for word, but that's how I always remember it.

So here's my love message:

Andrew, I miss you. I think about you every day. Most of my questions have existential underpinnings :) but sometimes they're really mundane questions too. Like, has Andrew watched The Avengers? Or Breaking Dawn Part I? Or Snow White and The Huntsmen? I miss watching movies with you.

I wish I could know that I was going home this August to go to Abbot Kinney with you. And have bonfires and go camping. And have beers together. One day.

I hope you know that I will never stop wanting you to come back. I myself still don't really have a home, in the sense that I am once again moving  to a new place come September, but I do know I have a little brother who loves me. I hope you know and can feel how much I love you.

B and B

BERSIH 3.0

Me, Anne, new Bersih friends, Elton in front, and Carrey on right end. 

Sea of yellow!

Last weekend on April 28, I came into the city (Court decided to stay in our lovely village to hang out) for a political rally called Bersih. Bersih is a huge campaign by the people asking the government to clean the system. 'Bersih' is the Malay word for 'clean.' The campaign has 8 "demands" including free access to the media as well as a clean and clear elections process. It's a huge and important movement here in Malaysia and I am really grateful to be able to witness it (if you want a better overview of Bersih and its history in Malaysia click here - I'm not knowledgeable or competent enough to speak to it).

So my Saturday started with making the 2 hour journey into the city, which included being stopped twice by police. Bersih's color is yellow so we were all asked to wear yellow, or green for the Green Earth movement. I have a yellow Bersih tshirt that I bought but I was told not to wear it, because it invites the police to question you. I'd rather not get deported before my time here is finished so I just use it as a pillow case for now. So I was just wearing a plain yellow top, though I made sure to put my yellow Bersih pin on my backpack. The second time we were stopped by the police, I got paranoid and so I made sure to cover my pin with my hand! But as I was the only one wearing yellow on the bus, we were waved through no problem. Later I found out that the police were indeed stopping people on their way to the rally - that's how taboo the movement is treated.

After spending some time in an internet cafe, I received a text from friends Carrey and Elton asking me where I was. They picked me up and I walked over to the start of the rally with them. It was SO cool to see all these Sabahans in their yellow Bersih tshirts, coming together to make their voices heard. I felt especially cool because some of our friends were part of the organizing committee of Bersih Sabah! So we saw Anne and June  and Sabrina and co. running around with walkie talkies, literally moving the crowds of people. I felt really proud of them.

The atmosphere was interesting to me. There were a lot of young people which was really cool. Andrew, another friend here and local rap artist, whose performance name is Atama, was the one who led the crowd on the march from the meeting place to the "Padang Merdeka" or "Independence Field" where we were all gathering. There were a bunch of guys with dreads and instruments doing some cool songs and chants and creating good energy. Reminding me a little of the SOA rally. So the atmosphere was a little festive. Very peaceful I thought. It also seemed to me that a lot of people were kind of just checking it out, almost cautiously. Especially because this was only the second Bersih rally in Sabah and also because the Bersih rally in Kuala Lumpur is huge and has gotten aggressive even violent reactions from the police (my boss here in Sabah was in KL this year and was tear gassed unnecessarily!).

I am really proud to say that I know the organizers of the Bersih Sabah rally and I am really proud of the work they do! It was really cool to hang out with them after (I crashed with them) and hear their take on how the day went. Of course I missed a ton of different things. Which made me all the more grateful to know them. It's funny to think that I have never followed politics in the States, but I eat up anything I can learn here about Malaysia's political system. Perhaps because they are still struggling to figure out what the Malaysian political identity is, that uncertainty resonates with me. I think my mom would also say I'm more interested in politics now because I'm growing up, which is probably also very true! Whatever the reason, I was very inspired by my friends' leadership and involvement. Their dedication to making a change, to engaging youth, to keep pushing forward - inspires me.

Of course, after the long day was over, we went to McDonald's, sang a little karaoke, and then watched 2 movies including The Avengers which I loved :)

BORNEO INTERNATIONAL MARATHON

Was today!! Courtney is a runner and has done tons of races back home, including a full marathon on a torn ACL! She's crazy amazing, yes. So as soon as she heard about this race here 7 months ago, she signed us up. I agreed to train and run the race with her. At first it was just something I was excited to say that I've done. But over the last 7 months as we have trained, or rather tried to train, I became more and more excited for the race itself. And then Court's good friend Andy, who is also a runner and has a quite a few marathons under his belt, decided to join us and visit Court (he also has a goal to run a marathon on every continent, so check! - Asia).

Courtney and I have trained for this race in lots of different and random places. Along the rice paddies and amidst the buffalo in our  first placement. Court regularly ran through another little village where she was a local celebrity amongst the paparazzi-like kiddos. I obtained a 7-day pass at a really nice gym when we were living in the city and overdid it on the treadmill. After 2 days I got really sick and couldn't go anymore. In case you're interested, I've realized that I really do like to run, but I much prefer running on a treadmill in the gym. If I'm outside, I'd much rather walk, even in a seemingly boring residential neighborhood, if only to look at everything around me. Anyway, in the last 5 months that we've been in our current village, we have trained when the weather permits. For me, the weather really limited me because A. I don't like running in the sun and B. I don't like waking up earlier than I need to. Therefore, I could usually only run after 5pm. Unfortunately, it usually rains in the afternoon at some point. So I really was at the mercy of the elements. But I never cursed the rain for disallowing me to run :) My training, therefore, consisted of yoga and random runs when I could.

At first we ran around the local soccer field which was good. But then games became more frequent and it would also get flooded. Then we were introduced to a really nice grass road running along the river, amidst the buffalo. So that was nice. But then I realized the grass and unevenness of the road was more stressful than I liked, so then I just took to running up and down a short paved road. Or when it was raining and I really felt like I needed to run, I would run in circles around the buildings at the Good Shepherd training center where we work some of the week. The staff there was pretty amused by that. I actually really enjoyed the repetitiveness of this kind of training because it reminded me of a treadmill! Anyway, I only trained up to 1 hour of running - and I don't even know how far of a distance that was.

I was nervous about my endurance today but I'm happy to say that everything turned out fine! First of all to set this up, because of the heat and humidity, our race started at 5am and Andy's full started at 3am!! Which meant that he was out the hotel door by 1am and we were out the door by 3am. Which also meant that I slept no more that 3 hours before. But it was all good! I was super pumped.

I'm very familiar with the race day atmosphere, seeing as my dad is a triathlete machine (he did a FULL IRONMAN today!!!!). I have always really enjoyed going with my dad to his races and experiencing the culture and excitement of that world. So it was really fun for me today to be on the other side! I was so stoked to get my own bib with my name on it!!

It was funny to start in such darkness, but it was REALLY awesome running with the full moon. It was equally awesome to watch the sunrise halfway through our run. I had decided a couple weeks before to run for my best friend Ana's brother Adrian, who passed away because of brain cancer 4 years ago. It felt really right to run for him, more especially when I read Ana's most recent blog. I really felt like I was running with him. When I wasn't chatting with Court or new friends along the way, or rehydrating, or just basking in the fact that I was running a half marathon!, I would think about Adrian and every time, I would get this energizing tingly feeling all over. It was similar to what I sometimes feel when I meditate which I thought was really cool. But I really felt that he was cheering me on.

I've felt this for a while about running, especially last year when I would run to destress, but I really understand now why running can be so therapeutic. Really awesome values come out of it. Perseverance, strength, courage. And also values like smiling at people and encouraging each other on. Courtney was cute and really cheered for all the runners we passed. I was being a little more stingy with my clapping and whoops, though I did pitch in once in a while. But I did make it a point, especially during the second half, to smile at everyone I passed. And it was amazing to get genuine smiles back! That so simple action energized me just as much as the 6 strawberry shot blocks I downed halfway! (I love those things, I pop them like candy.)

During the last 6k, my right knee started to throb badly which persuaded me to walk for about 15 minutes. I also walked at all the water stations which probably added up to about 5 minutes of walking. But I have no regrets! I'm really proud of my performance and would totally sign up for more races! I finished in about 2 hours and 35 minutes. Court of course is amazing and finished about 15 minutes before me. Andy is a warrior and finished in about 5 hours and 30 minutes, jet lag and humidity and all. Right now as I sit here in this internet cafe before I get on the bus back to Pukak, my legs are really sore and I know I will probably have to use Salonpas tonight. But I'm pretty high on life!

I love Sabah. I love Sabahans!

Coffee.

In my last seven Malaysian months, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my time thus far as a Good Shepherd Volunteer. Courtney knows well how big last year remains for me - much of my mental space still sits in my year as a New York City GSV. Sometimes I need to remind myself to be here in Malaysia, to be present to the people around me. But most of the time, I know that I need to be patient with myself, that I must continue to sort out last year. I know that my former community members have also continued to process what last year was for them, in different ways. So even though I have continued as a GSV, I know that this year is completely connected while at the same time completely separate from last year. (And I suppose the same is true for any moment in our lives! We turn another year older. We start a new job. We lose old friends. We make new friends.)

A week or so ago, I was emailing Tom King, one of my mentors and continued supports from LMU, and I thought of a metaphor to describe my time thus far as a GSV.

It's like water. Last year was boiling water. It was intense. It was an explosion. It was transforming. Cleansing. Hot. I told Tom that this year is like the water cooling off. This year is made of the same elements as last year - community, simplicity, spirituality, relationships, emotions. Those elements are just manifested differently. But later I was telling Courtney that I didn't like 'cooling off' entirely, because it didn't completely resonate.

Then, a couple days ago, I thought of something better. This year is like water become coffee! Still hot (quite literally as I live in a tropical jungle now), still intense at times (like the jitters that catch you by surprise), but not as explosive necessarily. Much more calm and chill. Still exciting. But more balanced. My lovely friend Catherine sent me a reflection a while back that has always stuck with me. It talked about how we have to be like coffee beans reacting to hot water, when we encounter sturggles in our lives. The coffee bean isn't destroyed by the hot water; instead, it transforms the water around it.

I really like that image of this year as coffee. Because coffee has indeed played a fun role in Courtney's and my adventures - instant coffee is the norm here and Starbucks/The Coffee Bean are our splurges when we go to the city. I don't mind the instant coffee so much actually (I think I got used to it when I was trying to save my mone for travel as a study abroad studnet), but I am always very happy to have a good cup of freshly brewed coffee. In that way, coffee has come to represent a kind of richness and gratitude and comfort.

Volunteering in Malaysia with Good Shepherd has been so rich. I often cannot believe how much we have gotten to see and experience here. We have met so many amazing people. Traveled quite a bit around Malaysia and Borneo. Welcomed many visitors. Done some fun and challenging and rewarding work. And all of this will continue for our remaining three and a half months. I am so grateful. So so grateful.

On another level, life right now, at my present moment, is rich. I feel at home right here right now. I am comfortable. I feel like I am in my element. Pukak has proven to be a beautiful placement for volunteers.

Here are some of my favorite tidbits from Pukak life so far:

- Seven year old Eljoe, who is a rascal, giving me spontaneous back massages with his little fists.
- Making no-upper-lip funny faces with Beatrice (shout out to Annie!!).
- Watching Nini eat the white part of her fried egg carefully first and completely savoring the yolk last.
- Alphonsus' raspy voice and cool guy nod. Sometimes pirate eye patch included.
- Celestinah and Junily always wanting to sit next to me in church. I appreciate their loyalty!
- Goofy Andrew coming back to the hostel after school and saying in a mock pretentiously gentlemanly manner, "Selmat petang semua" which means "Good afternoon everyone."
- Walking to village Mantaranau for 45 minutes with the outreach team and later jumping into the river with the village kids we had just had a program with.
- Playing tag with nuggets Danny, Ian, and Riu at a local village wedding.
- Waking up early to prepare breakfast for the kids and being rewarded with a fantastic sunrise coming over the beautiful green misty hills.
- Seeing Jane dance funky when I say "shake it out" during yoga.
- Hearing the kids hiss like snakes during cobra pose or bark like dogs in downward dog or say "Hello toes!" duing toe touches.
- The same group of teenage girls and village moms coming to yoga twice a week every week. We're getting stronger together!
- Thursday nights at the Herbalife cafe with my sixteen year old bestie Tata, and sometimes her sister Ezzra too.
- Singing karaoke Easter Sunday with Auntie Cornelia, Tata and Ezzra's mom.
- Auntie Dorothy's fried noodles for breakfast.
- Henritta's fried bananas, Bella's voice, Evelyn's "yups," Valen's interest in yoga and jogging, Pisus' weird poses, and Fred's guitar playing (all fellow Good Shepherd staff - I just love all of them in general).
- Sharing stories with our adult English class in village Lokub. Including a story about one of the guy's head being cracked open while swimming in the river. And another about one of the women giving birth in her car on the way to the clinic!
- Watching the village moms gear up and go paintballing at the paintball compound (tourist attraction - it's riverside!) here. They're the coolest ever.
- The seventeen rainbow pictures now on my wall (I put them up today) from an activity Courtney and I did with the kids yesterday.
- Training for the half marathon with the buffalo, in thunderstorms, past swimming waving kids - basically, in the jungle.

Yea, life is good. Like a good cup of coffee :)