Andrew Torii

Dear Andrew,

Yesterday we gathered at our parents‘ house to celebrate your 30th birthday together. Our parents had a private mass in the backyard and then we just hung out after. I was feeling sad because I always miss you and sometimes can’t believe it has been 10 years. I wish we could celebrate our 6 days apart birthdays together. But, it was nice to be together amongst all the flowers and bees and butterflies that have taken over the backyard. I felt Grandma’s presence and feel that she is watching over all of us.

Today, Ana told me about the last time she spoke to you, which was at my graduation party about 7 months before you left. She said you showed her and Caesar photographs you had taken and printed. She said you were excited about them. She said she often thinks of you. I am always struck by how my friends share that they think of you and send you well wishes regularly. Even friends who have never met you because I met them after you left. All that to say, I’m forever proud to be your sister.

I hope your birthday this year brought you that same excitement and pride. That experience of loving something so much that it just spills out of you. I hope you are surrounded by love and good things. I hope you know that we love you so much it spills out of us. I will never stop hoping to see you again. We will never stop loving you.

Happy birthday!

Love,
Lara 

Andrew Torii

Happy birthday Andrew. Thinking of you today and every day. Sending much love and light your way. We hold on to the hope that we will hear from and see you again. 

Andrew Torii

Happy birthday, brother. I hope you are well. And I/we hold on to the hope of hearing from you and seeing you again someday. Sending you much love, always.

5 years

Andrew,
We love and miss you and hope that you are safe and well.
We will always be here waiting for you. 

3 years.

Dear Andrew,

Happy Thanksgiving! I've been thinking about you a lot these last couple days. You've been on all of our minds. I wish you would call or come home. I also wish for you whatever it is you want and need. So perhaps those two wishes contradict each other, but there you have it. I miss you. I wish we could talk.

On Thanksgiving morning, we ran the Torrance Turkey Trot 5k. At first, Daddy said he would stick with us, but of course when he saw all the other runners warming up, he decided to go at his own pace after all. That pace being a 6:50 mile. He finished at about 20 minutes and I came in a little after 30 minutes. I've only run 2 or 3 times in the past 3 months, but I did ok! I felt a little weak during the run, but I think it's because I didn't eat enough before. And also I felt a little uncomfortable in the cold. I'm still adjusting to the colder and drier temperatures here.

In the evening, I drove with Grandma to Uncle John and Auntie Sherrie's house for dinner. Mommy had to pick up Tita Fely and Tita Tess from the airport because they were coming back from the Philippines. I haven't been home for Thanksgiving since the year before you left, so it was really good to see everyone. Everyone is growing up. It's kind of surreal. Jake, Justin and Sammy are all in college. Trevor and Joey are in high school. Lauren, Ryan, Jared and Jack are in middle school. I think I can't get over how much older everyone is because it's the most tangible evidence of time passing.

Tonight, we were watching The Hulk on TV. I didn't really like this version - I much prefer the version with Edward Norton that you and I sneaked into all those years ago. I often wonder, when I see a movie like The Avengers 2 or Silver Linings Playbook, if you're watching these movies and loving them too.

When I'm freezing under my 5 blankets in my bed, because my body is still trying to adjust to the sudden change in environment, I wonder where you're staying and if you're warm enough too.

Remember the orange beanie I got you from London? I'm looking forward to wearing it again.

By the way, I'm planning to stay in the States for a while. Two years abroad was a good run and I'm looking forward to being here again. Maybe one day we can share with each other all the experiences and lessons and struggles and joys we've had. I would love that.

Mommy actually asked me to post this blog telling you that we all miss you and love you. I hope you can feel our energy reaching out to you, wherever you are. We will always be here waiting for you.

Love,
Lara

Farewell Nongkhai.

I’m currently at Don Mueang Airport in Bangkok waiting for my flight to Malaysia. The time has come for me to leave Thailand.

Thailand.

I never ever would have thought I would end up living here for one full year. Prior to this year, Thailand conjured images of golden temples and elaborate costumes with intricate headpieces. Thailand made me think of The King and I. Thailand was less real than the delicious pad see ew at Three Spice Kitchen, a local Thai restaurant in my LA hometown.

But now that I’ve been here for a year, Thailand will forever more mean Nongkhai and the people of Nongkhai. My Thailand will be red dirt roads and blue skies filled with fluffy white clouds and bright green rice paddies. My Thailand will be the faces of the people at Hands of Hope. Tanned brown skin, laugh lines, gaps in teeth, warm eyes, feet worn down by a lifetime of walking barefoot. My Thailand will be sitting cross legged on the floor for lunch, stifling heat blanketing us, with only a fan to blow the hot air around, but delicious food on our plates. Stir fried veggies, savory omelets, fresh white rice, spicy curries. My Thailand will be biking down the highway with motorcycles packed 3 or 4 deep, with tuk tuks chugging along, with trucks full of people in the back.

Saying goodbye is never exactly fun, but what has struck me about saying goodbye to everyone in Nongkhai is how full of gratitude I am for them. I am amazed by their abundance, by their grace. I was surprised and treated to so many lunches and dinners out. To thoughtful and tasty gifts. At Hands of Hope, the people overwhelmed me with an Isan ceremony called “bai see” where they tied strings onto my wrists as blessings and a kind of guarantee that I will one day return in the future. As I sit here and type this, my wrists are still covered by the white strings, forming a wide cuff. I’m supposed to leave them on for 3 days, after which time I can keep a couple, but cut the rest off.

The people of Nongkhai (producers, patients, staff, Sr. Pranee, Antonia) and their way of being have been the epitome of generosity, joy, and grace. Their love and care have left a deep mark on my heart.

I have felt and experienced so much here in Thailand. And now this time is over. But I realize that the energy here will continue. Life will never be the same for me. But at its core, it will very much be made of the same stuff. That energy won’t disappear – it’ll transform. Like my dad once wrote to me, there is no reason life anywhere else can’t be the same as it has been here.

One of our patients died in my last week in Nongkhai. I only actually talked to Sampan twice, but his vitality and his hope impressed me deeply. He was young – 26 years old. He was so eager to continue to live, but in the end his body couldn’t withstand the HIV and the blood diseases. He died peacefully in the presence of his parents. When we went to his funeral, Antonia and I spoke about how much death is a part of Thai culture. In the West, death is scarier and something separate from life. Back home, death is more OTHER. But here, death is like the next step. Death is another manifestation of life. The living will continue to talk and laugh and gamble and drink to accompany the dead into their next life. The people at the funeral set off firecrackers and held knives to scare away evil spirits, in order to help the dead walk peacefully on. And so the energy of the living and the dead is transformed.

In honor of all those who have given me so much here, I hope to always be present to that energy. My plan is to continue to live and love deeply. Thank you to the people of Good Shepherd Nongkhai and to GSV for an amazing year in Thailand.

Tying the bai see strings on my wrists. The bai see tree is there by my knees.
Jiranun and Namfon are holding my arms for extra support. 

With the amazing Good Shepherd staff/family. They are extraordinary.

Last couple of months in Thailand.

Some of the major happenings from middle of July up until now. 

Getting ready to plant rice. Putting on the booties to keep creepy crawlies and mud out. They don't keep out the water though.

Slowly getting the hang of it!

Lots to do at Hands of Hope. With my favorite work partner!

Birthday muffins - yum :)

The people are so generous and overwhelmed me with love. Such a special 25th birthday!

Kenom (snacks - my favorite) and fruit galore!

 Birthday ice cream with my phenomenal housemate Patricha. We were in heaven.

Mother's Day is August 12 in Thailand because it's the Queen's birthday. There are many kinds of bows in Thailand, but this one that the kids did for their mothers, aunts, and grandmothers was the deepest, most respectful, and most moving I've seen. The love between the kids and their mother figures was beautiful.

The people thanking Sr. Pranee for her love and support of them.

Dinner with staff - getting ready to say goodbye to me, but also welcome to Abby and Abbie, the 2 new GSVs. 

India continued.

6. Agra - 1 day
We flew into Delhi super late due to thunderstorms and woke up early the next morning to go to the Taj Mahal. We were under the impression that it would only take 2 hours, but it actually took 4.5 hours. Of course, Jess still had energy to jump too high for the camera. The photographer told her,
"Stop jumping so high!" We didn't only take fun pictures though, our tour guide Sabir Khan was awesome and gave us a lot of history. It was a beautiful day, hot but no rain. The Taj really is magnificent.

This rectangular piece of marble is one piece. ONE piece. I don't know if I've ever seen a piece of marble that big! Each of the semi precious stones in the border and each flower carved out of the marble was laid and cut by hand. No wonder it took 22 years to build the Taj Mahal. Apparently, Shah Jahan, the emperor who built it, wanted to build a black marble Taj Mahal for himself, but his son spoke some sense and told him, Enough Dad. You've used enough resources, human and otherwise, to build this one.

7. McLeodGanj, Dharamsala - 4 days, 4 nights
This was our last, spontaneous, stop on our trip. We bought the flight in Goa. It ended up being one of our favorite places. Dharamsala is where the Dalai Lama and the Tibetan government have been in exile for many years. There is a big Tibetan community there now. It was cool to see the Indian and Tibetan (and foreigners, lots of foreigners) people living together peacefully. Especially given the Tibetan people's reason for being there in the first place!

There were lots of advertisements for yoga and energy healing and massage therapies and courses. Jess and I wanted to try one but weren't sure which one, because we knew we had to be careful (went to a Thai massage in Nongkhai that was more aggressive than relaxing). On our last day in Dharamsala, we were walking down our hotel street to check out the markets and randomly saw a sign for massage at another hotel a couple doors down. The sign was for Ayurvedic massage which, according to all the posters, seems to involve oil dripping on your forehead. Unfortunately, with the rainy season it wasn't the right time to receive that particular treatment, but we got massages which were great. We felt relaxed afterwards, exactly what we wanted out of the massage.

I included this picture because it reminds me of how the most mundane things can bring so much comfort when you're in a foreign place (I'm just noticing now the pictures of burgers and the Coca-Cola sign underneath). When Jess and I were in Fort Cochin walking around, we got to the pier and found that there were only male tuk tuk drivers and dock workers around. A tuk tuk driver wouldn't leave us alone and it turned us off from walking around. We've been in places before where street vendors are aggressive, but after coming from Thailand where in general, no means no, it was off-putting to be harrassed. That day, in Fort Cochin, we went to Cafe Coffee Day which we had seen everywhere we went in India. It was a little coffee shop chain. The coffee and food were alright, nothing special, but it was so nice to be in there for a couple hours, enjoying the music on the speakers, sitting in a cafe. I know that a year ago, I might not have allowed myself to go to a place like that, because it was so similar to places back home. But I've come a long way since last year and I like to think I've gotten off my own pedestal. I am more able to see now how this Cafe Coffee Day place is just as much a taste of India as the Taj Mahal and the street bazaars. Besides, we saw a lot of young people coming in and had fun people watching!

I was so happy to find that people actually really do greet each other with "namaste" in India, which I didn't know before! We also heard "namaskah" which is just another form. I love this quote from Ram Dass on the meaning of namaste: "I honor the place in you where the entire Universe resides. I honor the place of love, of light, of truth, of peace. I honor the place within you where if you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us."

Dhauladhar is what they call the lower Himalayan mountains on which Dharamsala is situated. I would now love to get to the greater Himalayas someday! It's good to dream :)

More amazing food. One of my favorites. Such comfort food. Masala tea. Homemade yogurt. Aloo parantha which is a wheat bread/tortilla stuffed with potatoes. Mango pickle.

We went to a public audience with the Karmapa Lama, who is the 3rd most important spiritual leader after the Dalai Lama. Really cool! We thought he would give a speech and were wondering if we wouldn't be able to understand it, but he walked in, we all lined up, and he gave us a blessing and a piece of red string. So simple and so perfect! We weren't allowed to take pictures during the audience, but afterwards we went back in and while we were standing around wondering if we could take pictures now, a smiling monk offered to take the picture for us! He kept laughing and asking if the pictures were okay. Jess told him they were great and that he was a professional. I also loved that security didn't seem to be much higher than usual, which I wondered about because a couple days before, there had been a bombing at the place where the Bodhi tree is (the tree under which the Buddha sat). Important places had tightened security, but the Karmapa Lama's temple didn't seem too concerned. We were patted down before entering, but nothing compared to a pat down in the States or at Indian airports. It made me think about how different cultures view safety and security.

I just had to include this shot because it's one of my faves - Jess and the Tibetan old lady frolicking down the streets of McLeodGanj. India was fabulous. 

The Quality of Being

Dear Andrew,

Yesterday evening after I finished my daily reading from “Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind” (it’s so good), I saw that the next reading was entitled “The Quality of Being.” At the same time, I was fully aware that the next day was the 25^th of July, and so I was fully aware that the next day was your 23^rd birthday. I thought, I bet tomorrow’s reading will be very fitting for the day of Andrew’s birth. And I wasn’t disappointed!

The very first lines of the reading go, “The purpose of zazen is to attain the freedom of our being, physically and mentally. According to Dogen-zenji, every existence is a flashing into the vast phenomenal world. Each existence is another expression of the quality of being itself.”

To me, that totally speaks of you!

The reading is a couple pages long, but here is the paragraph that especially made me think of you, and me, and you and me.

“Today I am sitting in Los Altos. Tomorrow morning I shall be in San Francisco. There is no connection between the “I” in Los Altos and the “I” in San Francisco. They are quite different beings. Here we have the freedom of existence. And there is no quality connecting you and me; when I say “you,” there is no “I”; when I say “I,” there is no “you.” You are independent, and I am independent; each exists in a different moment. But this does not mean we are quite different beings. We are actually one and the same being. We are the same, and yet different. It is very paradoxical, but actually it is so. Because we are independent beings, each one of us is a       complete           flashing       into         the vast              phenomenal              world. When I am sitting, there is no other person, but this does not mean I ignore you. I am completely one with every existence in the phenomenal world. So when I sit, you sit; everything sits with me. That is our zazen. When you sit, everything sits with you. And everything makes up the quality of your being. I am a part of you. I go into the quality of your being. So in this practice we have        absolute    liberation     from everything else. If you understand this secret there is no difference between Zen practice and your everyday life. You can interpret everything as you wish.”

I miss you and love you brother.

Happy Birthday!!

Sending you love and light always.

Your sister,

Lara

India

There are so many things I could tell you about India. So many complexities and simplicities. So many beautiful things and ugly things too. I just emailed my friend Alaina explaining that India as a country kind of felt like a favorite great great grand aunt. It is such an ancient culture. There are aspects of it that are breaking down and it has experienced so much, and it is all the more wise and funny and peaceful and kind for it.

I decided to choose a picture or two from each place that Jess and I visited and explain the story behind the picture. Hope you enjoy!

1. Colombo, Sri Lanka - layover

Colombo was really just a layover from Thailand to India. But we had a night and day, so we contacted the Good Shepherd Sisters there to see if we could stay with them. Not only did we have a place to stay with them, we had airport pick up and drop off, delicious meals, fabulous mini tour of Colombo, and above all a beautiful welcome. Here the Sisters are showing us around the convent and projects. We had just gone to the place where they make the hosts for Mass and the Sisters left with that plastic bag full of bread scraps, which we started munching on like they were potato chips and giggling like it was the silliest thing. Maybe it was the heat and fatigue, but I like to think that it was also friendship and warm feelings between all of us. On the way to the airport later that day, Sr. Jinali (far right) turned our van around to buy us all McDonald's ice cream cones, just because! They are so good those Sisters.

Then to India!

2. Bangalore, Karnataka - 2 nights, 2 days

We initially were invited to come to India by Sr. Jyoti, a Good Shepherd Sister we met in Thailand. We became friends with Sr. Jyoti and told her we would love to attend her final vows. So we started our India journey there. It was a beautiful colorful ceremony. So many beautiful saris. So many Good Shepherd Sisters! So many languages. India has dozens of languages. At the ceremony, they sang songs in 5 different ones. It is very normal for people to speak 3 plus languages. Sweet Sr. Jyoti is second from right. Sr. Deana who is a firecracker and wouldn't let the dancing stop is far right. From far left is Sr. Jyoti's cousin, me, Jess, Sr. Jyoti's sister, niece, and another cousin. Sr. Jyoti's family had to travel 3 days by train one way to attend the ceremony and they were so lovely. We danced North Indian dances with them and then went sightseeing with them the next day a little bit. It was so great to spend time with Sr. Jyoti's family.

I had to include this plate of food. First of all, the picture doesn't convey to you at all how big the plate was. It really wasn't a plate at all, more like a small tray. And completely vegetarian! So delicious. Very spicy too.  At one point I ran out to get more water and I had tears running down my face. Of course, one of the Sisters saw me and said that ice cream was the best antidote! We couldn't stop eating despite the pain. I would eat it all again!




3. Fort Cochin, Kerala - 4 nights, 3 days

Kerala is known for its backwaters and lush beauty. We took a day cruise on an entirely man-powered boat. I bet this man could give Ironman a run for his money! I was especially happy that we booked a man-powered boat after one of our fellow tourists explained how the rivers are getting extremely polluted from engine-run vessels and houseboats. I literally sat in awe of this man's strength just as much as I sat in awe of the green surrounding us.

This was at a Kathakali show in Fort Cochin, Kerala, where Jess and I stayed. Kathakali is a traditional Keralan art form. The makeup is very important. The body movements are very important. The facial expressions are very important. This actor was giving a demonstration of the facial movements before the actual show started. His face (yes that's a man - our guess is that women traditionally were not allowed to act, like in Shakespeare's time) moved in ways my face cannot. Jess could totally pull of some of the expressions though. During the play, the actors said nothing. They communicated through their movements and expressions. It was mesmerizing. And kind of like sign language.

This is Prem and his daughter and granddaughter whom we stayed with while in Fort Cochin. We found their homestay on Hostelworld. Really lovely family. He set us up on a bunch of tours that were reasonably priced, chatted and checked in with us every night, gave us a clean room and bathroom. Since it was low season, we were the only ones there. It was nice to walk into his living room at the end of the day and see him sitting there with his family watching TV. We felt really safe there.


4. Munnar, Kerala - 1 night, 2 days

From Fort Cochin, we took a 2 day, 1 night tour to Munnar, still in Kerala. Munnar is a hill station known for its tea plantation. It was beautiful. Hilly and foggy and cool and rich deep greens. And tall tall trees! Pine trees, not palm trees. It was so amazing to be in a different climate and landscape after being in hot and humid for so long.

Really great vegetarian restaurant. We had masala dosa here for the first time, a big Indian favorite. It's a crepe like bread wrapped around a potato curry. Here, served on a banana leaf. We also had really good spring rolls and naan bread here. My sister so observantly pointed out that it's all men in the background. There actually were other women in this restaurant but wherever we went in India, it was true that it was by and large men on the street. Groups and groups of men. It was always a welcome sight to see a woman or two around.

In these tiny little dixie cups was the best tea we had in India. There we saw why tea is India's thing. I'm holding chocolate tea, Jess masala tea. Masala actually refers to just spices in general. Masala was kind of like what we would call chai tea back home, with a little bit of a different tang. Delicious. We had it as often as we could. It's also common to make tea and coffee with milk as a base, instead of water, so it was richer. With my slight lactose intolerance, I was glad for the smaller portions. Though I probably could have drunk the whole pot.

5. Panjim, Goa - 3 nights, 3 days

 In Goa, we stayed with the family of one of our Good Shepherd coworkers in New York City. She is originally from Goa and her in-laws opened their doors to us. Talk about universal hospitality! Here we are with Noel, Mama - the matriarch, Rena, and Reagan. They were so generous and kind to us. It was great to hang out with them, talk about life, talk about India and Thailand and the US. Noel, Rena, and Reagan actually live next door. Jess and I stayed with Mama.

Goa's main attraction is the beach and since it was rainy season the beach was not attractive while we were there. We did a tour of Goa's main sights the first day and then our second day we hung out with Mama all morning. She showed us how to make her chappathi, which is kind of like wheat tortillas and so delicious. She was so cute and warm with us. She made us all the chappathi we wanted! It was nice to spend time with a Grandmama.

A monk ceremony and graduation.

Dear Andrew,

Last week I went to a ceremony for the brother of one of my coworkers, Daen - Daen's brother was becoming a Buddhist monk. This means that he is going to stay at one of their local temples for a minimum of three months. If he wants to, he can choose to stay longer. He will wake up early in the mornings to go into the villages to beg for his food. He will do chores, meditate, pray, learn at the temple. He will live a very simple life for this period of time. He is 38-years-old and has 2 teenage children. Thai men can choose to become a monk whenever they want and it's something that makes Thai families so happy and so proud.

We started the day going to Daen's house where she had tons and tons of food and family over. We hung out, took lots of pictures with Daen's brother and family. Daen's brother was wearing all white. Daen and her family stuffed us with tons of delicious food - noodles and mango and fruit and coconut dessert. Then when everything was ready, we got into cars, Daen's brother into the back of a truck with much pomp and circumstance, to go to the temple. Once we got to the temple, we processed 3 times around the temple with Daen's brother on the back of one of the men. We all went barefoot and the bottom of our feet were burning (for Jess, her skin literally burnt off and she got blisters). Then we went up the temple steps. Everyone waited outside the temple doors, while Daen's brother and another man who was also becoming a monk went inside to be initiated by the temple monks. After saying some prayers, Daen's brother was given the orange monk's robes, changed, and came out. The ceremony ended with us making offerings of money to the 2 new monks, in their alms bowls.

At Daen's house before the ceremony - Daen's brother in white. 

Our coworker Daen in white, Phang a Good Shepherd patient and our neighbor in green. 

Walking around the temple 3 times. 

In orange, now a monk!

I really enjoyed and appreciated being there for the ceremony. And Andrew, I thought of that text you sent me years ago: "Maybe I should become a monk." It was a really random text and kind of makes me laugh now, but at the time I was very dismissive, which I regret. I wish I had been a more accepting person then. At the time, I was like, what are you talking about??

Well, I just wanted to post this blog to say to you that I've been to a monk ceremony now, and I know more about monks than I did before (at least Buddhist monks in Thailand). Perhaps you do too. Perhaps you went ahead and have become a monk! But now that I know more and now that I am just overall bigger-hearted, I wanted to say to you that I now see that your suggestion was and is completely possible. 

Whatever you're doing, know that I support you and love you, in ways that my small heart couldn't before. I was thinking of you the whole day at the monk ceremony. Daen's brother was making this huge life change with faith and love. You made a huge life change with faith and love in your heart, I'm certain. 

This weekend, Blanca is graduating from USD. I'm so excited for her. I'm so proud of her. She has accomplished great things in her 4 college years and I know she will be a force to be reckoned with post-grad (as she has always been of course). I know you are proud of her. She knows you are too. I wish I could be there. I wish you could be there. Blanca wishes we could be there. But at the same time, she knows that we 3 are connected no matter where we are. No matter how long it has been since we have physically been together. 

You are both still so present in my life, even though I feel so far away sometimes. I am so blessed to have a brother and sister like you two. 

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are well.

With love and humility,

Lara 

Work!

It’s been a good (i.e. fun, productive, busy) couple days of work so I thought I’d blog about them to give you an idea of what I’ve been up to.

On Thursday, I had a regular day of work at Hands of Hope, except I left an hour early at 3pm because I had night duty that night. After doing a couple chores at home and showering, I went over to the Care Centre around 4:30pm. (The Care Centre is literally a 30 second walk away from my house.) It was my first time doing night duty alone, so that was exciting. Prior to this month I have not done night duty. However, since Kia and Katrine left to go back to Denmark a week ago, I offered to help take their place. I was also happy for a change in routine, more variety in my responsibilities, and an opportunity to hang out more with the patients, who are my neighbors but whom I don’t really see if I don’t make an effort to visit! So night duty is a nice way to carve that time into my schedule.

Night duty at the Care Centre mainly involves giving the patients their medicine before and after dinner, then at 7pm and 8pm, before and after breakfast, and then at 7am and 8am. It’s amazing. The patients who are less stable take up to eleven pills a day. Three or four of those pills are multiple times a day. But the patients who are more stable and healthy, even if they have HIV and TB, only need to take 4 or 5 pills a day. It’s also important to keep track of the medicine because one wrong pill can mean a terrible headache or nausea or other bad reaction. Luckily, I don’t need to prepare the pills. The staff does that each week. I just have to get out the pill boxes and help distribute them.

The other important responsibility is waking up if someone rings the bell in the middle of the night. Since I am not a nurse nor do I speak Thai, my job then, if someone does need assistance, is to check on them and then run to get Kate, who is staff and lives in the Garden too. Luckily, the other patients are very helpful too and would get up too. Furthermore, I know that I can always get the other women in the Garden if Kate isn’t around. Therefore, my main job then really is to just wake up.

Because the current patients are pretty stable right now, staff has assured me that there’s nothing to worry about. And I really don’t feel worried about night duty, though on Thursday night I didn’t sleep well. Probably the new bed and the thought of possibly having to wake up.

Unfortunately, Som was not feeling so well that evening. She was walking very very slowly and painfully and holding on to her hip. In the patient chart it said she had been dealing with a fever. Kate came to check on her and said she would take paracetomol throughout the night to help her sleep better. And the next day, staff would take her to the hospital to get checked. Som is a new patient and I hadn’t really spoken to her much yet. I could see right away that she was in pain and I wanted to ask her how she was, but something stopped me. I realize now that it was shyness, insecurity about my Thai, and just unfamiliarity with her – she didn’t make much eye contact with me and I didn’t know if she was the kind of person who just didn’t want to be bothered by this foreign girl. If she was already in pain, then I didn’t want to irritate her more. Frankly, I was intimidated. But later that night, I chided myself and realized that I was being very self-conscious for no reason. I could have asked her how she was. It was so simple. I promised myself I would try to talk to her in the morning. Fortunately in the morning, she seemed to be much better. Still walking painfully, but smiling and she ate a lot for breakfast! I talked to her a little bit and of course she was nice. The Thai people generally are. I also felt a sense of shyness from her too, which is probably part of the reason she wasn’t making eye contact earlier. So many lessons in that one encounter.

So all in all, night duty was really pleasant. The staff nurse left to go home around 5pm. The patients and I took our dinner and then watched TV, chatted, ate mak bohk which are these delicious tree nuts that somehow I can eat. They come in a shell that you have to crack open and are as addicting as sunflower seeds. I also brought my recycled chip bags to continue to make bags. There are currently only 4 patients in the Care Centre itself – Phang, Som, Chookiat, and Suban. But Dow, who lives in her own house in the Garden and cooks for the patients, came to hang out. And so did the 3 women, Mouy, Bun Hohm, and Deuen, who live in another house in the Garden. And Thip and Gay Sohn, two mothers with a baby boy each, Ton and Game, who share a house in the Garden. It was cozy! Well, except that it was cold. And by cold I mean Nongkhai cold at 60 degrees. I’ve actually been quite chilly this month and I can’t wait til it gets warm again and I no longer have a sore throat and chapped lips in the morning (that’s how NOT used to cool weather I am!).

In the morning, I woke up at 5:45am and opened the house. Chookiat helped me open the gates. The sunrise was beautiful. Dow arrived shortly after to cook the patient’s breakfast. I distributed the medicine. And then the vegetable lady arrived on her motorcycle with two big baskets on either side full of things to sell and since I’ve never actually looked at her stuff, I was really excited. And all the residents came out to buy “groceries.” It’s good to know that she comes every day, just in case I can’t make my weekly trip to the market. She also sells kenom (snacks) so I’m happy about that. Then of course Boonlai called me over to have breakfast. She and her family were sitting on the bamboo platform outside their house, having sticky rice and bbq pork. I went over and had a little bit. That morning, everything felt so normal. It was really nice to feel ordinary here!

I went home when Bon, the staff nurse, arrived for the day around 8:15am. I had breakfast in my house (oatmeal with brown sugar and bananas and a cup of tea, yum). Then I headed over to Hands of Hope an hour later than usual, at 9:30am. I was pretty tired after only sleeping about 4 hours that night, but it was a productive day at Hands of Hope. We got a nice big order from Ireland so everyone had plenty to do. Also, everyone was there since it was a Friday. On Fridays, Antonia pays all the workers, so the home workers, women who do their work at home most of the week, also come to drop of their work for the week, get new supplies, and receive their pay. That Friday, we were also preparing some samples to send to the 5 major customers. The Hands of Hope workers designed a bunch of new products, so Antonia was sending some complimentary samples along with the updated catalogue. All day, I helped prepare the samples, which meant redoing one of the products to make it more durable (I understood more why people study design!) and then packaging the products with labels and codes and sealing them. It was nice to be busy. And I always love working in the packing room with Wasana, Pik, Ning, Faa, and Jiem. They’re always laughing and joking around!

The day ended at 4pm, with the five boxes to Australia, the USA, Italy, Ireland, and the Netherlands ready to go. Success!

The next day, Saturday, which was yesterday, I got to go with the Outreach team – Perm Sak, Kate, and Maew – to visit families in the village. On this trip, we visited families who were more local – sometimes they have to drive as long as 2 hours to reach the families they serve. Yesterday, we visited a young man who was in a motorcycle accident so his leg was all torn up. His wife and 3 kids were also home. Later in the day, we went to visit his father, who has HIV and is currently not doing well, in the hospital. It was my first time in the Nongkhai hospital. We also visited 2 students. Last year, the students were coming to the Friendship Centre (where Hands of Hope and Outreach office is located) for activities and English lessons every other weekend. But now, with the new year, they are unable to come on weekends because of school activities. So Outreach will just have to visit them and check up on them in their homes. Yesterday we saw 7-year-old Panda (her nickname) who has HIV. She took out her medicine box and showed Outreach staff that she knows which medicine is which and when to take each. She’s very smart! She’s also a rascal and hyperactive, making funny faces all the time. The other student we saw was Om, who is 12-years-old. She doesn’t have HIV but her mother does. Really lovely girl, easily smiles all the time. We also visited Bia, whom I love visiting. I think she’s 10 years old and is bedridden because of water in her brain. She doesn’t talk, but she is responsive and smiles often. She also likes to sing! She’s really sweet. We visited another little girl, a little over 1 year old, whom Outreach gave milk powder to because her family is poor. For the babies that Outreach gives milk powder to, they also always take the baby’s weight and height. But often the babies don’t like to cooperate. This little girl was no different, except that she kept saying “mai au!” and “mai dai!” which means “don’t want!” and “no!” in her little teeny tiny voice. She was beautiful and so cute. Her mother left when she was 1 month old and so she lives with her young father and his family. We visited a grandmother who is poor and whom Outreach gives food and money to regularly. I also love visiting her because she is just so cute and kind of reminds me of my own independent Grandma. And then a new visit was to Maew’s neighbor, who is an 18 year old girl with a 1 year old baby girl who kept throwing things. Already a character! The mother has contracted TB bone. Outreach staff took a look at her medicine, I think they might continue to offer support. I think we made about 8 visits yesterday.

The Outreach staff always thanks me for going with them which always makes me laugh because I don’t really do much, other than help carry food from the truck to the houses, which they don’t really need me for. They do all the work - talking to the people, giving their advice and expertise, filling out the reports. But I very much thank them for allowing me to tag along and visit everyone. I learn so much and my heart and mind opens a little bit more after every trip.

So. I know that was a lot! Thank you for reading this. It’s been a long time since I’ve updated and I was very excited to finally have the energy to share more in depth about the work that I’ve had the privilege to be involved in. So I just kept writing til I could write no more! J

The Good Shepherd work here is truly amazing and I am so grateful to be a part of it and to be able to share it with you. From Nongkhai to you, much peace and love.

I'm not dreaming of a white Christmas...

This past Saturday was the Good Shepherd Outreach Christmas party. There were about 200 people there. It was amazing. Families and children who are supported by Good Shepherd services attended. These families receive food, medical support, HIV support, and milk powder (for their babies) from Good Shepherd. The children, including the teenagers I teach, come to the Friendship Centre every other weekend for activities and English programs.

The children put on awesome performances that they had been practicing. I also got to be in the teenager’s performance because they needed another body. I had a lot of fun wearing my Santa hat and green skirt, dancing with candles and boughs and stars J We performed to “O Christmas Tree”, “Deck the Halls”, and a sweet song that goes “I’m not dreaming of a white Christmas, all I’m dreaming of is a peaceful world.” The younger kiddos performed to Jingle Bells, We Wish You A Merry Christmas, and Jingle Bell Rock. So cute!

The Friendship Centre was transformed into a Christmas wonderland by staff, workers, and us volunteers. It was beautiful!! At one point, Kia exclaimed, “Do they really have to do everything so perfect??!” Every detail was thoughtfully executed, from the balloon arrangements to the handmade bamboo nativity hut to Santa’s chair. We were busy preparing two weeks prior, especially the Outreach staff (Kate, Daen, Maew, Perm Sak, Sr. Pranee) and I thought numerous times that if we were back in the States, decorations would have been store-bought, ready-made. Much more time-saving, but also less special I think. Here, we cut out and attached every snowman’s nose, Kate carefully folded ribbons into masterful bows, Wanchai painstakingly built the bamboo hut.

After the children performed, the Outreach staff invited the people to bring up their gifts to the baby Jesus in the nativity set, with Chaon and Pik kneeling on either side as Joseph and Mary. Every year, they ask the people to bring small offerings of food, which Outreach will then bring to poor families in the villages. I was very moved by this part. People lined up so respectfully and deeply bowed to the nativity set before placing their donations. The Thai people have different forms of the “wai”, the bow. But this is the most respectful  one I’ve seen – on the knees, forehead to the knees. It also spoke to me of humility and acceptance – Christmas asks people to SURRENDER to the love of a powerless baby. Christmas asks us to put our faith and hope into this mystery of life. These Buddhist villagers showed me what it means to put the ego aside and bow down to the wonder and awe of life. They don’t worship Jesus as God, but their reverence and respect for the baby Jesus was so tangible.

Santa Clause also came to visit to pass out the gifts to everyone! An American man who has lived in Thailand now for many years, this was the second year he played Santa Clause for Good Shepherd Nongkhai. He has a natural white ponytail and full beard and full belly and full voice, so he really looked and sounded like Santa! I really enjoyed his jovial presence, which felt very American to me. I felt like I was back home hearing his “Ho ho ho’s”. He is also a very spiritual man who told Antonia that he prays for each person as he passes out the gifts. I actually started to cry when he made a short speech about the meaning of Christmas, about the peace and love of the season. I think mixed in there were the feelings of homesickness the whole party stirred up in me and the overwhelming bounty of love present.

After lunch, Nuphit’s daughter (around 12 years old) sang Silent Night in Thai for her mother in front of everyone. It was beautiful and also moved me to tears. It was doubly amazing because she was so confident in front of so many people – in my experience, Asian girls tend to be so shy. But she was so strong and confident up there. Nuphit, her mother, has largely, though not completely, lost the use of her legs. She needs a crutch to help her walk. But Antonia said that for a time, Nuphit would bike 6 km to work, to provide for her daughter. Now she has a motorcycle. Amazing. While her daughter sang, I cried out of gratitude for witnessing that kind of love. I cried because of the joy despite so much suffering in that group of people. I cried for my own family’s struggles and my own homesickness.

So many emotions, which is just about right for this Good Shepherd Volunteer in her home away from home! Thailand is a Buddhist country, so Christmas here is really not celebrated. Some things pop up on TV and in stores, but it’s more commercial than anything (though that’s not much different from the States I suppose!). But at the Good Shepherd Outreach party this weekend, I truly felt the magic of Christmas. Not in the same way as I did when I was 5-years-old and leaving notes for Santa so that he would know where to find us in the Philippines. But in the way that Christmas lights twinkle their way through the dark. In the way that the wise men followed the star, even though they didn’t know where it was leading them. In the way that pure joy and love transforms sickness and fear and sorrow.

And that was just the start of the parties! Three or four more to come!

Offering gifts of food. 

 The handmade bamboo hut!

 Christmas Tree decorating competition. My winning team's tree = far right. With Ying as the Star!

Antonia the red-nosed reindeer and Jiem and Wansai make merry. 

Showerheads.

I didn’t post anything for Thanksgiving, so in the spirit of gratitude, this post.

I just got back from a 12-day vacation in the Philippines. I am very grateful to have had that time with my mom and family there. It was full of reunions. With my two aunts and three cousins who live in the States and flew over with my mom. With my two uncles and aunt and cousins who live in Manila. With my 4-year-old cousin Jia whom I met for the first time on this trip! With my cousin Joanne who lives in my mom’s hometown of Hagonoy. With my mom’s cousins and family from her mom’s side who also live in Hagonoy. With my mom’s high school friends – they had a big reunion at their old high school, class of 1975! With my mom’s college friends. I’m so lucky to have such a big family in the Philippines!

It was a very full trip. I went to a beauty pageant. I saw the musical “The King and I” on stage. I got my teeth cleaned at the dentist. I went to my Uncle Eddie’s burial (there was a funeral back in California that I missed because I was in Malaysia, now he’s interred in the Philippines, at his family’s cemetery). I ate a lot of delicious Filipino food that I haven’t had in years. I ate an amazing soy burger. I went to Tagaytay to see Taal Lake and the volcano. I ate a lot of halo halo. I stayed in a hotel penthouse with my mom and her high school friends. I Skyped my dad and sister in California. I went to the mall. So full!

I’m so very grateful for my mom’s and family’s generosity. I really loved being with all of them.

Now I’m back in Thailand. Yesterday on the hour-long bus ride from the airport to my town, I chatted with an American gentleman coming to visit his daughter, who now resides in Laos. He gave me her number for when I make a visa trip to Laos at the end of December – I’m very grateful for that contact because I will probably go alone. Then I was very grateful to be back here in my quiet farm town! To be back in my little room, in my house with my two housemates. I had such a sweet welcome from my community here. And I arrived just in time for Nonnie’s fifth birthday dinner! Nothing better than coming home after travelling to good people and good food.

To top off my homecoming, today was the King’s birthday, which means it was Father’s Day, which means that it was a holiday! I was very grateful to sleep in today – I slept about 12 hours! Then I spent the day working on some craft projects, watching “Shark Night” (terrible but perfect for a lazy day), and hanging out with Kia and Katrine. At one point during the day, after hanging my laundry, I walked back to my room which I was in the process of reorganizing and I had this very settled and happy feeling of really being home. I felt, yea, I do belong here. It was a really nice feeling.

Last thanksgiving I’ll offer in this entry: for community and for my showerhead! To preface this anecdote, some background info. When I first arrived, Antonia suggested that I keep a container in my bathroom filled with water, for when water gets shut off all throughout town, which she said happens at certain times in the year. I never got around to getting such a container, but when the water shut-off finally occurred, maybe a month and a half ago, it wasn’t too big of a deal because the water came back later in the day. However, after that, the water pressure in my shower just wasn’t what it used to be (which was actually pretty good). Since the water shut-off and lack of pressure were caused by a general lack of water pressure and low rainfall, I just showered with my showerhead as per usual, even though it took forever to wash my hair out (I could have switched to bucket baths of course, but honestly I just felt too lazy to do that). But finally after a couple weeks of this, the water pressure became just a dribble. So, I did the next best thing…I started using the nozzle (on a short hose) next to my toilet, which continued to have really amazing pressure, even better than my showerhead ever had. In Thailand, there are two preferred styles of cleaning yourself after using the toilet: toilet paper or the water nozzle. I like having the hose in my bathroom because I use it to clean (I don’t have an enclosed shower which makes it even easier). Well, for the last month, I was also grateful to have the hose because it made showering much faster.

When I arrived back yesterday, I was told that Nongkhai had gotten more rain than usual over the last couple weeks. I was excited to hear this because I thought maybe my shower would be back to normal pressure. But when I tried it later, I was disappointed to see that it was worse than ever.

Then, some valuable information came my way. When I mentioned my disappointment to Kia this morning, she told me that our Thai coworker Perm Sak showed her how to use a needle to clear the showerhead of calcium deposits! She said after she did that, her shower was back to normal and it was so nice again. When it was time to shower again tonight, I cleared out the calcium (I’m such a volunteer – I actually wondered if it was the same kind of calcium the human body needs and if I could ingest that kind of calcium should I require it) and lo and behold! I have my water pressure back! Still didn’t have hot water, but I was so happy I grinned through my whole shower. Thank you Perm Sak, Kia, and safety pins. I’m so excited to take my showerhead shower tomorrow again J

Bangphi Payana.

Today, it’s Obama again. When he won the first election, I was elated and proud. I felt blessed to have the privilege of voting him into office. Today, I had the same feelings, plus relief! During that first election night, I was at a play in LA and then came back to my apartment at LMU. I was surrounded by people celebrating in the streets. I felt young and full of hope! This time around, I’m in Thailand as a foreigner. My community here in Nongkhai has followed the campaign with as much interest as I and everyone has been very happy and even relieved about Obama’s second term. But I’m pretty sure I can say that no one feels as proud as I do.

As an Asian American in Asia, I think a lot about what it means to be American, what it means to be Asian American, what it means to be a foreigner. Often I have mixed feelings. But there are times, not so few and far between, when I feel so proud to be American, through and through. Today, I am proud. To be American means to know without a doubt that my absentee ballot mailed in from Thailand made a difference. To be American means to have a voice. To be American means to unwaveringly hope in the future.

Two weekends ago, as Hurricane Sandy raged on the East Coast unbeknownst to me, I celebrated an annual festival called Bangphi Payana (literally “fireball serpent”). Every year, here in Nongkhai and in Laos, people celebrate Bangphi Payana which always coincides with the end of Buddhist Lent, which coincides with the full moon (in the States, we celebrate Halloween). The Bangphi Payana festival marks the natural phenomenon of “fireballs” shooting out of the Mekong River. People told me that one explanation is that 2,500 years ago the Lord Buddha ascended into Heaven to give his teachings to his mother – when he came back to earth, the fireballs were shot out of the river to welcome him back. Further explanation says that a giant serpent that lives in the Mekong produces the fireballs. Scientists from all over the world have tried to uncover the mystery. But all attempts have been unsuccessful. One year, they were going to send divers into the river to prove that the fireballs are actually manmade. However, there was a huge storm that year, and there were no fireballs at all. In the weeks previous to this year’s festival, I was also told that there might not be any fireballs this year because it has been a very dry season. My boss Antonia told me that she has tried to see the fireballs twice and has not seen anything. Needless to say, I had no idea what to expect. I was very excited.

On the day of, Kia, Perm Sak and I drove two hours to get to a popular spot to view the spectacle (they appear at various spots along the Mekong). When we got there, we realized that even if we saw nothing, it would still be a good time. There were so many people, so many food vendors, so many families picnicking. It was a huge party! And if the Mekong serpent chose not to oblige this year, the Thai and Lao people would more than make up with firecrackers, fireworks, and floating lanterns.

As the sun set spectacularly and we took our spots along the river’s edge, I could feel my anticipation building. As we sat for 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes with still no sign of even a firespark, I started to contemplate hope. All during the drive, I kept telling myself not to get my expectations too high. But seeing all those people, it was inevitable for my excitement to increase – if all those people had come to see this, it had to happen, right? But as it got darker and darker, my doubts started to grow stronger. I told myself repeatedly, there’s no harm in hoping with all your heart that you see one of these stupid fireballs. But some kind of defense mechanism within me made sure that the doubt stuck with all its might. I felt a kind of shame that I couldn’t let go of that doubt and anticipate as a child anticipates Santa Clause.

As we waited there, people were continuously exploding very loud firecrackers and fireworks. I have never been so close to fireworks before! (At one point in the night, Thai military showed up and firmly confiscated a man’s stock of fireworks.) People were also sending up lanterns, which was beautiful. I would recommend going to the festival just for the lanterns. On our side, people would send them up whenever they wanted. But on the Laos side of the river, they sent up hundreds at the same time. It was amazing, like something out of a movie (“Tangled” specifically). The lanterns floated their way up, like lazy little stars.

Each time a lantern was sent up, I found myself sending prayers up along with it. Most prevalent on my mind that night were Obama’s reelection and my brother Andrew. I think because each lantern seemed to defy gravity, because each lantern lit up the blank night for my naked eye even hundreds of feet up, I was really feeling surges of peace in regards to both prayers. I really felt that even though I was slightly doubting these mythical fireballs, I was feeling pure hope for Obama and for Andrew.

As hopes, doubts, and prayers silently and calmly swirled within me, as more and more lanterns lit up the darkness, all of a sudden there was a red ball of light streaking through the black air above the river. And then there was no more room for doubt. That night we saw 88 fireballs.

Fireworks noisily streak into the air leaving traces of their path, and sparking off at the end. The fireballs, however, climbed silently up and up and then simply disappeared. The amazing thing was that we could follow the fireballs through the air no problem. You could see the fireworks were being shot up by something and they would flash by in a second. The fireballs, on the other hand, simply seemed to be rising for 3 or 4 seconds. Like small red glowing baseballs arcing through the air.

Each time another one went up, each time the crowd cheered, each time the lady behind us screamed her head off in appreciation, I felt awe and joy equaling amusement. I was hoping for even half a fireball and we ended up seeing almost 100 (there were many more than 100 that night I’m sure – we left before it ended to brave the traffic).

So yes I had moments of doubt. The same goes for Obama’s reelection. The same goes for my brother’s absence. But the fireballs have taught me that in the end, the doubt does not negate the hope. Perhaps one day I will learn to hope like a child does. Perhaps one day I will learn to hope without reserve from that place within me where everything is one. But for now, I know that hope is worth fighting for. I know that hope produces fire from water!